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Christi says she read that Jackie wrote something to the effect that Jackie doesn’t know what the fuss is about because Mia is not even that good. Jackie denies everything. Christi says then that she must have “faulty reading,” because she knows she saw that. Shrill jumps in to say she heard it too. I like how Christi and Shrill were bitter enemies (supposedly) last season and now they are BFFs. I kind of like them as a team. I think that Shrill has the ability to go for the jugular that Kelly lacks in her current fragile emotional state. Anyway, Jackie says you can hear lots of things, but that doesn’t mean they are true.
Jabby rehearses Chloe’s solo, which is called Another Girl and is about being left in the shadows of someone better. Subtle. Even more subtle is Jabby cutting Chloe’s rehearsal short to go give Sophia an acro private. Christi complains about this of course and says their kids have been beaten down for years. Um, if I recall correctly, not 15 minutes ago you voluntarily re-upped your contract with Jabby knowing how she is and the tactics she uses. I love you, but it needs to be said: Shut up, Christi.
Kelly says that Melissa is probably so happy that Maddie and Mackenzie don’t have solos this week. Because they’d have to go up against Sophia? I’m not sure what she’s alluding to. But anyway, Kelly notes that Melissa will do anything to get back on Jabby’s good side. Cut to Melissa taking out the garbage – heh. Kelly goes downstairs to yell at Melissa for sucking up, but Melissa says she always takes out the garbage so it’s no big deal. Holly and Shrill are also doing sidework.
Back upstairs, Christi and Kelly discuss what they can do to initiate Jackie into the group. I heard making her strip and circling her fat with a sharpie is popular. Christi suggests – jokingly, I hope – that they put E600 in her eyelash glue and Kelly says that would never work because Jackie could go blind. Yeah, I don’t think assault charges would endear you to anyone.
Then Christi suggests they roofie Jackie’s drink. So she passes out? And then what? What fun is that? But Kelly thinks it’s a great idea and that Christi is evil. Christi says she was roofied before and… I don’t know what to say to that, although it does explain a lot.
The moms are all back in the viewing booth and they notice that Jabby’s being crankier than normal and must not have gotten good night’s sleep. Christi says Jabby needs more than a good night’s sleep and her new toady Shrill helpfully explains that Christi meant a roll in the hay. Thanks for clearing that up, Shrill. Jackie asks if Jabby is married. The other moms DIE laughing. They say that maybe if Jabby lost weight, she could get a man. But then Kelly says even if Jabby lost weight, she’d still be a giant bitch. Who you voluntarily hooked up with, but whatever.