Dear Tvgasm: Boardwalk Empire

Sometimes I think if Steve Buscemi wore a monocle he could be the world’s biggest Charlie McCarthy doll 

Dear Nucky Thompson, let’s look at the situation. On the one hand, Eli did try to have you killed, which along with making people watch vacation slides, obnoxious Christmas card newsletters (Kameron scored in the 97th percentile on his PSAT’s? Fantastic. Why didn’t we get a shout out about him finally licking that bed wetting problem when he was 12?), or taking the last helping of stuffing at Thanksgiving are about the only things can and should break up a family. On the other hand, let’s take a look at the other people you are depending on in your professional life.

Dip Shitery in a bowler hat

Is bonking your wife in your burned out green house

CrazyPants here you just bribed wants to send you to prison

Now what you do is up to you, but if I was in your situation not only would I’d bury the hatchet with your brother, but if he suggested playing William Tell I’d gladly let him try to shoot an apple off my head.

Best of luck, please keep your clothes on as much as possible in the future.

Dear TvGasm, I’m not a perfect man. I’ve tried as hard as I could, but I always seem to fall deeper and deeper into sin, and that’s why I’ve left Atlantic City and moved to Chicago

Signed, It wasn’t murder, it was the world’s longest baptism

Dear Agent Van Alden. don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we all make mistakes. I think a clean start is just what you need to turn your life around, and as long as you don’t do anything…

Yeah, something like this

Okay, so maybe Chicago isn’t your kind of town? Well, I hear Des Moines is very nice, you might want to give it a shot.

Dear TvGasm,  I’m worried about my marriage. My husband is seeing another woman, and he’s been estranged from me ever since I made a sizable contribution to the Church. Also I just slept with another man in our burned out greenhouse. What can I do?

Signed, If I take my hair down, somebody is getting lucky

This is not a sign of a marriage that is working 

Dear Margaret, I think we can all agree your marriage isn’t in the best of shape. I mean it’s better than your last marriage in that your husband hasn’t beat you with a belt until you lost your baby you were carrying, but I think we can all agree that’s setting the bar a little low for what passes for a good relationship. Still, you and Nucky have some issues to work through, both his infidelities, and your taking his ill gotten gains and donating them to the Church without him knowing about it. Maybe you two should look into couple’s counselling, or…