(This week Dear TvGasm checks in with Mama Manzo from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, who sounds a little under the weather.)
Dear TvGasm, ugh. I’m am done. I’ve had it with her, and her awful mean, trashy, lying , story selling ways. I’m done I tell you, done! Now you know me, I never let things get to me. I try to rise above the garbage and just spend time with my loving fambly, but I just can’t take it any more. Teresa is garbage, GAR-BAGE! And she sucks. If it wasn’t for her we could have a nice fambly show. Well not with Dina, because Teresa drove us apart, but still, fambly.
Signed, Lauren, Don’t Even Think About Putting That In Your Mouth
Dear Caroline, oh you poor thing. yes, it’s been a long hard year for you, and Dear TvGasm knows just what you have been going through, and do you know why? Because we’ve already gone through this exact same story line before. Allow me to refresh your memory
Okay, here’s what happened, during the first season of the show, you were totally minding your own business, and celebrating Albie graduating from college, what the? A Manzo child having a legitimate success? Yes, it was a crazy dogs living with cat’s time we were all living in in 2009. Anyway, at the party, you guys just happen to go online while the cameras were running, and look up this book that Danielle was supposed to be in, and ZOMG! She was such a terrible person, that you just couldn’t have her around your friends and fambly, which at this point still included Dina, because as we said they were crazy, crazy pre-lapbands times.
Case in point, Teresa was holding a book
So seeing as Danielle was a coke sniffing scary stretchy face threat to common decency, you went to work like Santa’s bitterest little elf, and made sure everyone knew that Danielle had a druggy skanky past, watched as everyone turned against her, and then were rewarded with Danielle getting even more crazy, and her getting axed from the show.
The real beauty of your accomplishment, was that by getting certain other cast mates fired up (cough, Teresa, cough), you were able to stay in the background, and spend a lot of time telling all of us at home how you were above all this drama and pretty much Jedi mind tricking us for about two seasons.
Now jump forward to the beginning of this season. Everything was going great, well as great as things can go after getting in big off camera brawl in the Dominican Republic, that you totally think was Teresa’s faulty, and then, Ming! You read Teresa’s new cookbook she was flogging and didn’t like her jokeses about you. (By the way, if I’ve taken nothing away from four seasons of Jersey, it is that no good ever comes from a Manzo reading.)