Dear TVgasm: Game of Thrones

Dear TvGasm,I’m in kind of a bad place right now, and I’m at my wit’s end. My husband recently died, because of a  sneaky witch woman who I had saved from getting gang raped. She also got me to abort my unborn son too. That’s right when most of my husband’s tribe of barbarian horsemen ditched me, and I can’t turn to my family for help, because before my husband died my brother acted like a dick and my hubby poured molten gold on his head, killing him. Oh, and I don’t know if this changes anything but I also have dragons.

signed, That’s The Last Time I Save A Sneaky Witch Woman From Getting Gang Raped

Dear Daenerys Targaryen, Oh child, I know just where you are coming from. We’ve all been where you are at. Well, minus the witchcraft, mythical creatures, and molten gold, but I know the three words you need in your life right now. Treat. Yo’. Self.

You need to do something just for you, like pick up a kicky pair of new shoes, or maybe you could start watching that new show on HBO, Girls. It’s all about young women just like you trying to make in the big wide world. Then again you could get a new haircut. Hey look at Miley Cyrus. Before her new haircut she was a bong ripping no talent hack, but now? Well now she’s still a bong ripping no talent hack, but the top of her head looks like a really ugly lampshade. What does that have to do with your problem? I have no idea, but seriously, Miley is a mess y’all.

I don’t care what anyone tells you, one way or another you pay full price at the barber college

The important thing is to do something for you. Now if you really have a problem with getting a mani pedi then I suppose you could also just go to the House of the Undying and confront your destiny, but the important thing is to have fun and own it girlfriend!

*** 

Dear TVgasm,

I’ve met this really great girl, but there is just one little problem. You see I recently joined the order of fighters and have taken a vow of celibacy. To make matters worse, if I don’t sleep with her the rest of the wildings are going to know I’m still Team Night Watch and the best case scenario is they cut my head off. Needless to say I’m pretty nervous about our relationship going to the next level. Do you have any advice for this sort of situation?

Signed, Just The Tip?

Sigh, he’s like the prettiest Jonas Brother ever!

 Dear Tim Tebow, Jon Snow, You are in a dilemma my friend, because on the one hand oaths are very sacred things, but on the other hand pay-cable channels abhor attractive young people not getting naked the way nature abhors a vacuum.

Here is what will get you through this situation, guilt, lots and lots of guilt. As long as you have the occasional scene later on where you feel bad about breaking your vow, we can spend lots and lots of time looking at your attractive co-star’s boobies while she bounces up and down on you and a strategically placed pile of furs. Come on, take one for the team. If there isn’t a nude scene at least every 10 minutes on this show George RR Martin cries. You wouldn’t want that on your head, now would you?

Dear TVgasm,when are people going to start respecting my accomplishments? I’m sitting on top of the world, but does anyone  give me any credit? Nooooooo, not one little bit. In fact my creepy little brother is in town trying to act like he’s in charge.

Signed, I Love My Brother Way More Then You Love Yours