Dear Cersei, well, on the one hand you are doing rather well for yourself. But on the other hand, Having an incestuous relationship with your twin brother, working behind the scenes like one of Santa’s little elves to get your husband killed, placing a child from your incestuous relationship on the throne, and then trying to kill off all of your husband’s bastards aren’t exactly the sort of things you can list on your Christmas card newsletter. Sometimes all that really matters is that you know you are successful.
On the plus side, if Bravo ever does a Real Housewives of Westros, you are so going to be the first one Andy Cohen calls. Girl, you better get an agent!
Dear TVgasm, They’ll pay. They will all pay: Joffery, Cersei, The Hound, Ser Gregor, Amory…
Signed, Making a List and Checking It Twice
I wouldn’t want to be on her bad side
Dear Arya, it is so heartwarming to see someone your age being so organized and having goals! I bet you’re good at math, too. Gia and Milania over on Real Housewives of New Jersey could learn a thing or two from you young lady…wait a minute. Is that a hit list? Err, Ryan Murphy wants you to know it gets better?
Dear TvGasm, I’ve been working in the family business, but I feel very unappreciated. Right now I’m hopping through my butthole to keep a rebel army from taking the capital and putting my nephew’s head on a stick, and what thanks do I get? My sister tries to torture my favorite hooker! Any advice?
Signed, When I was 12 I Milked My Eel Into a Pot of Turtle Stew
Dear Tyrion, Hmmm, this is a toughie. You are usually drunk and spend most of your time insulting anyone you come into contact with. You know it’s a shame you don’t live in your parents’ basement, because you have all of the making of an ace blogger.
That being said, you are extremely short, enjoy the company of hookers, and don’t mind slapping people who upset you. Have you ever considered being the head of an entertainment company? Oh wait, it says here you’re highly competent. Well that means NBC is out. Still, Disney is hiring; you need to get them your resume STAT.
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