Dear TVgasm: Real Housewives Edition

(This week Dear TvGasm spends some time with the Housewives)

Dear TvGasm, what should I do about my daughter? First she almost gets cancer, and then she elopes and ruins my chance at having a special perfect day. Why can’t she understand my feelings?

Signed,

You Need More Insurance

 Would it kill you to for once just think about my feelings? And maybe get some more term life?

Dear Vicki, err, Insurance? Before we start I need you to do something for me. Take a deep breath. Now hold it, and then let it out. Great, keep doing that. Do you know what you’re doing right now? It’s called shutting the f@%k up. Now whatever happens, for the rest of this post, do not stop doing this. Thank you.

Your daughter did not almost get cancer on purpose. She did however go to college and learn a trade that makes the world a better place. Okay, she seems to have eloped with someone who she mainly got to know through Skype, but again, she’s a Housewife kid; any day where she doesn’t have a job that involves picking up a beer bottle without using her hands puts you miles ahead of the game.

Also, we’re getting pretty tired around here of you using your daughter’s issues as excuses to launch into five minute monologues about how said issues affect YOU. You did not give birth to a child just to get more camera time. In less of course you did, and in that case, well played Vickie, well played.

Now, if your daughter shows up one day with square boobs and cheeks so pumped full of fillers she looks like a beaver, then you’ll have a perfectly valid reason to complain, but until then? Silence is golden. And just so you know how much you lucked out with that kid, your daughter is living proof that some people need neither nurture nor nature to become functional adults.

Are you still shutting the F#$% up? Atta girl, keep it up, and you’ll be everyone’s favorite this year.

PS, I don’t care if Brooks has told you he’s a Nigerian prince, do not ever give him your PIN number.

 *** 

Dear TVgasm, Everybody’s picking on me. First, they made a big deal about all my jokeses in my new cookbook, why are they mad? I’m like Lucy! Now everybody’s all mader just because I said my brother’s wife was gold digger and is gonna leave him when a richerer man comes along. What’s there problem?

Signed,

Ingredientses

Funny, like Lucy

Dear Ingredientses…Ingredientes, Ingred-,Teresa! Yes, over here sweetie. Great. Anyway, first of all yes, you are a lot like Lucy. Her husband cheated on her all the time too.

Now Teresa a lot of people are saying you’re completely delusional, but then again you didn’t build a recording studio in your basement for Melissa, so you’re not that delusional.

You’re just mean and very selfish, and do you know what? If you weren’t around the show would only be about Caroline’s lady parts drying up, Jacqueline FedExing kids to Las Vegas, and Melissa’s music career interspersed with unasked for details of the sex-life she has with her tiny husband. So don’t listen to them, just keep doing what you’re doing you special little troglodyte you!

By the way, Vickie, take a good like at Milania. Feel like a trade? I didn’t think so. Okay now go back to shutting the F-up.

Dear TvGasm, I’m getting married y’all!

 Signed,

My Breast Milk Tastes Like Chardonnay

Dear Kim, yes you are sweetie! And just so you know everyone else on Atlanta is watching this show and going through the parts with your mom frame by frame like it’s the Zuppgruder film . Next year’s reunion is going to be a beast (Just like Lauren Manzo’s future babies! Hey Yo!). Anyway, congratulations y’all!

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