***Our writers are fantastic at making fun of TV shows, but what you may not know is that we are also a very sensitive bunch full of well meaning advice, hugs, and ego strokes. We have opened our mailboxes to celebrities, so that they might take advantage of some free and much needed advice. Please welcome WaffleBoy with our newest feature, Dear TVgasm. To send in questions, write me at Flipit75@gmail.com.
Dear TVgasm, I’m at my wits’ end about my long term relationship. The magic just isn’t there any more. I’ve tried to spice things up. I went on a diet and got rid of over 400 pounds of stupid useless flab (Ryan, Randy, and Kara). I got a bright, flashy new set with lots of mirrors because I like to watch myself do it. I also made my new show more about the thing that people truly loved, namely me…Still, with all these positive changes, things just seem to be going downhill with the only relationship that matters to me, my love affair with the little people.
They’ve become distant. I can’t prove it, but I think they may even be seeing other people, and I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I’ve even reached the point where I’m bringing other people into the relationship to try to keep them happy. My God, I’ve committed to having a lunatic fried chicken lover around, and I’m even thinking about bringing in some little teenage tart to make them happy. I feel so dirty. What can I do?
Sitting In My Opulent New Trailer
Dear SIMON, wake up and smell the coffee! Your relationship is dead, gone, donzo, el muerte, and it smells worse then a flounder that’s been in the icebox since New Year’s Eve. People change, they are fickle as hell. In 2002 all it took to make them happy was a snarky Brit who wore only tee-shirts crushing creative dreams of food service workers. Nowadays, they need more to feed their jaded appetites.
They need an aging pop star who wears ridiculous hats and thinks fishnet stockings are pants. They need a man with tiny forearms to creepily hit on anything with a vagina, and another guy who looks like he would drunkenly sideswipe your car with his pickup in the Applebee’s parking lot and then try to flee the scene of the crime in 2nd gear. Now I’m still trying to figure out why they need Adam Levine, but dammit, they need him too!
Let’s make this clear, it’s not you, because aside from becoming an ever larger prat, you haven’t changed a bit since you wandered past a sleeping immigration official and into American society 10 years ago; trust me, it’s all them. Try to remember this when the Fox security guards chase you out of your trailer with tasers after your show gets cancelled. It will take the sting out of it. Well, not the tasing part, but definitely the part where your show gets cancelled. And remember, when all is said and done, somebody will be there waiting for you.
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter
. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook
page! We’re also now on Pinterest
! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!