Dear TVgasm: Simon Cowell

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, May 7, 2012 | 1:34 pm | 3 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

***Our writers are fantastic at making fun of TV shows, but what you may not know is that we are also a very sensitive bunch full of well meaning advice, hugs, and ego strokes. We have opened our mailboxes to celebrities, so that they might take advantage of some free and much needed advice. Please welcome WaffleBoy with our newest feature, Dear TVgasm. To send in questions, write me at Flipit75@gmail.com. 

Dear TVgasm, I’m at my wits’ end about my long term relationship. The magic just isn’t there any more. I’ve tried to spice things up. I went on a diet and got rid of over 400 pounds of stupid useless flab (Ryan, Randy, and Kara). I got a bright, flashy new set with lots of mirrors because I like to watch myself do it. I also made my new show more about the thing that people truly loved, namely me…Still, with all these positive changes, things just seem to be going downhill with the only relationship that matters to me, my love affair with the little people.

They’ve become distant. I can’t prove it, but I think they may even be seeing other people, and I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I’ve even reached the point where I’m bringing other people into the relationship to try to keep them happy. My God, I’ve committed to having a lunatic fried chicken lover around, and I’m even thinking about bringing in some little teenage tart to make them happy. I feel so dirty. What can I do?

Sitting In My Opulent New Trailer
Dear SIMON, wake up and smell the coffee! Your relationship is dead, gone, donzo, el muerte, and it smells worse then a flounder that’s been in the icebox since New Year’s Eve. People change, they are fickle as hell. In 2002 all it took to make them happy was a snarky Brit who wore only tee-shirts crushing creative dreams of food service workers. Nowadays, they need more to feed their jaded appetites.
They need an aging pop star who wears ridiculous hats and thinks fishnet stockings are pants. They need a man with tiny forearms to creepily hit on anything with a vagina, and another guy who looks like he would drunkenly sideswipe your car with his pickup in the Applebee’s parking lot and then try to flee the scene of the crime in 2nd gear. Now I’m still trying to figure out why they need Adam Levine, but dammit, they need him too!
Let’s make this clear, it’s not you, because aside from becoming an ever larger prat, you haven’t changed a bit since you wandered past a sleeping immigration official and into American society 10 years ago; trust me, it’s all them. Try to remember this when the Fox security guards chase you out of your trailer with tasers after your show gets cancelled. It will take the sting out of it. Well, not the tasing part, but definitely the part where your show gets cancelled. And remember, when all is said and done, somebody will be there waiting for you.
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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

3 Comments

  1. 1
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Hilarious!!

    I love this new feature. Keep ‘em coming!

    (Although I hope you haven’t foresake us Moviegasmii, Waffleboy. We miss your posts.)

  2. 2
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted May 7, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    WaffleB, I laughed so hard at the pic following “somebody will be there waiting for you” that my appendix ruptured. I shall continue my paean as soon as I return from the ER. Wait for me and keep this terrific feature.

  3. 3
    WaffleBoy
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Hi Guys

    sarcasatire, glad you like this and thanks for the moviegasmi love. With those guys it just seems to get harder and harder to find the time to sit down and write them. It’s one of the drawbacks of constantly repeating yourself and having a writing style that relies on an never ending stream of run-on sentences. Sigh, my blogging career is turning to be absolute proof that my freshman English and typing teachers were not “out to get me.” God I hate when my mom is right.

    snowshoecat, I’m so glad you liked this. All bloggers know that burst internal organs are the highest form of flattery. Thanks!

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