Dear TvGasm: State of the Lohan Report

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By WaffleBoy | Monday, December 10, 2012 | 9:03 am | 19 Comments

(This week Dear TvGasm takes a break from fake advice to horrible foreign accents,  to look at the state of America’s most precious tabloid resource, Lindsay Lohan.)

 

Hey there Gasmi, well it’s that time of the year, when people get stuck for ideas and start writing about things that happened weeks and months ago. Err, I mean take stock of the events of the past year? Any hadoodle, I don’t know about you, but Dear TvGasm enjoys celebrity gossip. Let me rephrase that Dear TvGasm enjoys good celebrity gossip. I don’t want to hear about how celebrities love their new baby, or new spouse, or new project, and if it was up to celebrity press reps, that’s all we would read about. So thank god for the train wrecks who make US magazine readable, well okay, bearable. I want to read some juicy dirt when I wake up in the morning, and let’s be honest, America’s go to source for suspicious car wrecks, suspicious trips to the hospital, being under suspicion of stealing stuff at celebrity parties, and of course slapping psychics in bars is none other than Miss Lindsay Lohan. so let’s take a look at what the Old Faithful of bad press has been up to this year.

For the record, 2012 was a pretty good year for LiLo. I mean as a train wreck. As a functioning member of human society? Whoa Nelly, not so good.

There were several car wrecks. That Lindsay was involved in. Now it’s kind of hard to get into the specifics of just how many driving mishaps Lindsay was involved in, because Lindsay’s defense to most of these reports is either that she wasn’t driving the car, or that the people who claimed she ran them over are just telling stories, or that driving a Porsche over a paparazzi is the God given right of every American, and I hate to say it but I kind of agree with that last part.

On the sticky fingers front, Lindsay was questioned by the police over $100,000 worth of jewelry that went missing from some rich guy’s house who had Lindsay and her assistant over to party at. Lindsay was questioned by the police, and was cleared as a suspect in the crime, because you don’t invite Yogi Bear over to your house and start bitching because some pic-a-nick baskets go missing. Sorry, I mis-worded that. Lindsay Lohan was cleared as a suspect because of insufficient evidence.

On the good news front for Lindsay, she was working this year! And not just taking her clothes off for Playboy working either. She was in a movie. Well a movie on TV. Okay, a Lifetime movie, about Elizabeth Taylor. How was it? What part of Lifetime bio-pic do you not understand? I mean the guy they got to play Richard Burton was Cooter the werewolf on True Blood. It was an epic cheese fest.

And can I say that the one good thing that came out of Liz and Dick was that it seems to have put to rest the long running story line that if Lindsay just started acting again, everything would be great. Look I liked Mean Girls too, but here’s the thing, do you remember Robert Downey Jr? Well you should, because he’s freaking Iron Man. Anyway, Robert Downey Jr went through some tough times, and even at his lowest, when cops kept finding him in other peoples’s houses, he went out and made Chaplin and got an Academy Award nomination. I’m not saying that if Lindsay got her act together she couldn’t have an acting career, but I am saying that she’s never going to be Iron Man. You know what? That last sentence makes zero sense, just ignore it and move on.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Call me crazy but I think LiLo is gonna turn this ship around. The force is strong with this one. Why else would she still be walking the earth after all that?

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Ok but you said we could you do it…”you’re crazy Gypsy” Unless fire crotch does some hard time she is never going to turn it around. Why would she? She can do whatever she wants with no consequences.

  3. 3
    Sparkle McSnarkle Sparkle McSnarkle
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Hate to say it, but she’ll be dead within two years. Bet.

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Nah, she’ll be fine. I’m telling you. Call it a hunch. Bet.

  5. 5
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Porn. She will do porn. Bet.

  6. 6
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Cult. She will turn to Zenu. Bet.

  7. 7
    lindaw205
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I’m thinking porn for this one, too. The IRS is on her ass now and they don’t play. They’ve seized her bank accounts (yes, the article said bank accounts…plural) and she’s selling the clothes. A porn gig is just around the corner. I don’t think even Charlie Sheen will bail her out of this one.

  8. 8
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Hmmmmm, THS: Promising actress parties hard, hits the skids, turns to porn then is saved by Charlie Sheen and joined his new cult based off of his teachings in his #winning Tour. They get married have twins with a surrogate. Bet.

  9. 9
    lindaw205
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I don’t know why Lifetime didn’t just go with the Lohan story, the hell with Liz and Dick.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Lifetime Lindsay Lohan Story starring Lindsay as Dina, her sister as herself. Call.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Sure Gypsy *makes coo coo sign behind your back* :)

  12. 12
    dizzygirl
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Lindsay Lohan marries Tom Cruise and both travel to Zenu…raises..lol.

  13. 13
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    SHE WILL BE SOBER! DOUBLE DOWN!

  14. 14
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    “Lindsay Lohan marries Tom Cruise and both travel to Zenu”

    …to do porn.

    Yesss.

  15. 15
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Xenu porn?!?!?!

    I’d watch.

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I would like to invite Miss Lohan to come stay with us here, on the farm. I could use some help in the garden. And people will give her respect. This is France, after all.

  17. 17
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    The will name their children Xenu and Xanadu and they will be wearing rollerskates by the age of 2. Take that Suri!

  18. 18
    VunterSlaush VunterSlaush
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    How did the psychic not predict getting slapped by LiLo?

  19. 19
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Is that her o-face? Just what IS she doing in that car?

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