Dear TvGasm: State of the Lohan Report

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By WaffleBoy | Monday, December 10, 2012 | 9:03 am | 19 Comments

Oh, and I almost forgot, Lindsay Lohan got thrown out of the Chateau Marmont. Do you know what other celebrities have been ejected from that hotel? Nobody. Do you know how hard you have to screw up to get kicked out of the number one hotel in Hollywood to OD in? Well if you don’t pay a $40,000 room service bill like Lindsay it’s pretty easy. Man, 40 grand? I bet somebody had that Tobler chocolate bar in the mini bar. Never eat the chocolate bar. 

Okay, we can’t talk about Lindsay’s year without mentioning that she slapped a psychic. The reasons are either, because Lindsay wasn’t having any of this hoodoo stuff around while she was trying to hook up with some boy bander, or because bad words were said by various people, or because sometimes you just need to slap a psychic in a bar. For whatever reason, this was exactly the kind of silly story horrible people such as yours truly like to read while they have their morning cornflakes, so thanks Lindsay!

So, all in all, a pretty good year for Lindsay Lohan, train wreck wise, and actually a very strong output considering we are in Lindsay’s eighth year of taking her life over the falls in a barrel, but what is on tap for Lindsey in 2013? Well, I think she’s probably going to jail. There were too many car wrecks, and hit and runs for there not to be at least one to end up in court, and if Lindsay ends up in front of a judge it’s game over. Sorry, she’s had so many second chances over the years, that if a judge cuts her the slightest amount of slack, it’s going to look he got pwned, so I think orange jumpsuits could figure prominently in Lindsey’s wardrobe in 2013. Too bad.

That brings us to our  final question, what should Lindsey do in 2013, you know assuming she doesn’t go to jail. Well, call me crazy, but I think Lindsay Lohan needs to get married. If for no other reason, than she’s running out of ways to make money. I mean sure it would be wonderful if Lindsay met a great guy, and got her life together, and maybe started a family, but I think it would also be really great if Lindsay married some super rich guy, and than after a year or so got a big fat D-I-V-O-R-C-E settlement. Now you might be asking who in their right mind would marry Lindsay Lohan? Three words, Eur-O-Trash. If Tara Reid could find a husband in the old world, there is a man out there name like Spiro, or Alexi, or Gunther, with shady business dealings, who would just love to slip a big rock on Lindsay’s finger. And then after the inevitable divorce Lindsay could make her triumphant return to America, and spend the next 10 years slapping psychics. 

Still, whatever the future has in store for Lindsay she had a banner year in 2012. Well train wreck wise.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Call me crazy but I think LiLo is gonna turn this ship around. The force is strong with this one. Why else would she still be walking the earth after all that?

  2. 2
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Ok but you said we could you do it…”you’re crazy Gypsy” Unless fire crotch does some hard time she is never going to turn it around. Why would she? She can do whatever she wants with no consequences.

  3. 3
    Sparkle McSnarkle Sparkle McSnarkle
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Hate to say it, but she’ll be dead within two years. Bet.

  4. 4
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Nah, she’ll be fine. I’m telling you. Call it a hunch. Bet.

  5. 5
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Porn. She will do porn. Bet.

  6. 6
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Cult. She will turn to Zenu. Bet.

  7. 7
    lindaw205
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I’m thinking porn for this one, too. The IRS is on her ass now and they don’t play. They’ve seized her bank accounts (yes, the article said bank accounts…plural) and she’s selling the clothes. A porn gig is just around the corner. I don’t think even Charlie Sheen will bail her out of this one.

  8. 8
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Hmmmmm, THS: Promising actress parties hard, hits the skids, turns to porn then is saved by Charlie Sheen and joined his new cult based off of his teachings in his #winning Tour. They get married have twins with a surrogate. Bet.

  9. 9
    lindaw205
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I don’t know why Lifetime didn’t just go with the Lohan story, the hell with Liz and Dick.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Lifetime Lindsay Lohan Story starring Lindsay as Dina, her sister as herself. Call.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Sure Gypsy *makes coo coo sign behind your back* :)

  12. 12
    dizzygirl
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Lindsay Lohan marries Tom Cruise and both travel to Zenu…raises..lol.

  13. 13
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    SHE WILL BE SOBER! DOUBLE DOWN!

  14. 14
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    “Lindsay Lohan marries Tom Cruise and both travel to Zenu”

    …to do porn.

    Yesss.

  15. 15
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Xenu porn?!?!?!

    I’d watch.

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I would like to invite Miss Lohan to come stay with us here, on the farm. I could use some help in the garden. And people will give her respect. This is France, after all.

  17. 17
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    The will name their children Xenu and Xanadu and they will be wearing rollerskates by the age of 2. Take that Suri!

  18. 18
    VunterSlaush VunterSlaush
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    How did the psychic not predict getting slapped by LiLo?

  19. 19
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Is that her o-face? Just what IS she doing in that car?

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