(This week on Dear TvGasm we have our 1st annual Christmas Party where we invited all the fake celebrities who didn’t really ask us for advice during the year to ring in the Holidays in the most fictitious way possible. This year all refreshments are courtesy of the Franzia that Flipit stole out of his mom’s garage. )
Dear TvGasm: Hey there Gasmi, welcome to our first annual Dear TvGasm Christmas Party! Oh it’s so exciting so many celebs are already here. Why look who’s over by the Franzia fountian? It’s Adrienne Maloof and Lisa Vanderpump and I think they’re finally working things out.
Lisa Vanderpump: It was a joke dahling, just a joke.
Adrienne Maloof: It was insulting.
Lisa Vanderpump: Well dahling, to the wildebeest certainly, but really, you need to just let it go.
Dear TvGasm: Aw, that holiday’s are magic, aren’t they? Uh oh, we seem to be running low on hor devours. What’s the problem Chef?
Guy Fieri: The problem Bro-thesus is some hata couldn’t handle my swag and stole all my MSG. You can’t have a party without the flava enhancer!
Lindsey Lohan: Sniff! You’re out of party favors.
Guy Fieri: Not cool bro-cilla, not cool at all!
Dear TvGasm: Well just figure something out. Without something in their stomachs to soak up the Franzia this party could get really ugly, really fast.
[A chorus of angels sings]
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Froster: Waffel-Knabe est mein decorations for der party not der fabulous?
Dear TvGasm: Why yes Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster they are very der fabulous. I mean fabulous. Thank you so very much for offering to help
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Well making der fabulous, it est mein gift. You like the ice sculptures, ja?
Dear TvGasm: Yes, but I wanted to ask you, why is Frosty the Snowman wearing sunglasses?
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Waffel, do not be silly. This est no snowman. Est der fabulous Karl Langerfeld ice sculpture.
Dear TvGasm: Really?
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Ja, listen.
Fabulous Ice Sculpture Karl Langerfeld: Adele est too fat to make der muzik tunes.
Dear TvGasm: Oh. My. God! It’s like he’s actually in the room!
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Ja, est just like being in Paris, but without all der smelly losers.
Fabulous Ice Sculpture Karl Langerfeld: All wimmin should be der skinny. No one wants to see fatty fat-fats waddling down der street. Kate Moss looks like der Hindenburg. Naomi Campbell should skip desserts.
Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Schatzi! Come stand by Fabulous Ice Sculpture Karl Langerfeld. He has much to tell you. Mama loves you liebchen! Est der vonderful, ja Waffel?
Dear TvGasm: Ja, and the best part is this one will melt into a puddle of water by the end of the night.