Dear TvGasm: The 2012 Christmas Party

Wildly Inappropriate German Accent Yolanda Foster: Ja,  wait, what?!

Dear TvGasm: Oh I see some new guests at the door, gotta go!

Caroline Manzo: You’re garbage!

Teresa Giudice: You’re garbage!

Dear TvGasm: Ladies, you made it!

Caroline Manzo: I can’t believe you invited her!

Teresa Giudice: What’s this garbage doing here?

Caroline Manzo: I’m garbage? You’re garage!

Dear TvGasm: Ladies, the important thing is that you’re both here. Let me get you settled in

[Dear TvGasm walks the two women across the room]

Dear TvGasm: Here we are, I’m sure you’ll both be comfortable out here.

[Dear TvGasm closes door to building behind him, and locks it]

Caroline Manzo: Why are we out back by the garbage cans?

Teresa Giudice: Because you’re garbage!

Caroline Manzo: No, you’re garbage!

Dear TvGasm: Whoo, dodged that bullet.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Heyyyyy! I know I wasn’t invited, but can I come in?

Dear TvGasm: Kathie Lee Gifford? What are you doing here?

Kathie Lee Gifford: I just love a party, and I brought my own refreshments!

[ Kathy Lee Gifford holds up giant wine carrier]

Dear TvGasm: Good lord, that’s wine? I thought that was your husband!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ha! Two years ago we went on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas and I used all the old skin he sloughed off after we got home to make this. Isn’t it fab? This is the most productive thing he’s been involved in in years. And this one doesn’t cheat one me with stewardesses either.

[Kathie Lee Gifford's giant wine carrier winks at Grechen Rossi]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Why you bastard!

[A big gulp of Franzia appears, almost as if by magic, in Kathie Lee Gifford's hand]

There is nothing I can write that will top the Kathie Lee Gifford wine hula 

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh Frankie Bota Bottle, I can never stay mad at you!

Dear TvGasm: Man, if Hoda isn’t getting hazard pay, NBC is the worst.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What?

Dear TvGasm: Nothing, come on in, and join the party.

Andy Cohen: Hey there Dear TvGasm, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

[Dear TvGasm turns around and can't stop staring at Andy Cohen's head]

Andy Cohen: You know, you’ve spent a lot of time this year saying mean things about me, like if you can look me in the eye, you can see a 3-D sailboat, and I just think you’re a bully, and I want you to say that to my face.

[DearTvGasm still can't say a word and is totally mesmerized by Andy Cohen's hair]

Andy Cohen: Well, come on, look me in the eye and say that!

DearTvGasm: Andy, I’ll be honest, as long as you are walking around with 5 pounds of doll hair on the top of your head in a golf divot like wedge, nobody in North America is going to be able to look you in the eye.

Did you ever give your Barbi doll a pixie cut? Did you ever wonder where the hair went?