Dear TvGasm: The 2012 Christmas Party

Guy Fieri: I get that last one a lot, and then what happens?

Gordon Ramsey: Then I’ll root around in your walk-ins like the world’s angriest raccoon, and tell you the reason you’re a terrible cook is because your dad never hugged you as a kid, or some other treacly bollocks.

Guy Fieri: Me and my dad used to play hide and seek all the time.

Gordon Ramsey: Did he ever find you?

Guy Fieri: Hellz no brah, I was tots too awesome! Totally on the train to flava town even then.

Gordon Ramsey: I’m sure. Anyway, after that, you’ll do a dinner service and we’ll edit it so you don’t poison anyone on camera, and I will then declare victory and leave.

Guy Fieri: Coolio, and then what happens?

Gordon Ramsey: You’ll probably go out of business in six months because you’re a [censored] tosser.

Guy Fieri: So what do I get out of this?

Gordon Ramsey: Some new banquettes, and a mirror for over the bar.

Guy Fieri: Righteous Bro-nry-Higgins!

Gordon Ramsey: Oh come on, that last one doesn’t even make any sense.

Dear TvGasm:  I love when great minds come together!

Barbara Walters: Young man, young man! I undastand that Lindsey Lohan is at this pawty and we need to speak to her.

Dear TvGasm: We?

Barbra Walters: Me and my sassy black fwiend. 

Just like Oprah. If Oprah was white, had a speech impediment and had been around since the Coolidge administration

Whoopi Goldberg: She told me we were going to Applebee’s after work for drinks. Her treat.

Dear TvGasm: Well she’s around here somewhere.  Lindsay! Lindsay sweetie, someone is here to say hi.

[Lindsay Lohan stumbles over and stares at Barbara Walters owlishly]

Barbara Walters: Young lady, I think you owe me an apology for canceling your intaview with me. It was highly iwesponible of you!

[Lindsay Lohan keeps staring at Barbara Walters]

Barbara Walters: Well Awen’t you going to say anything?

Lindsay Lohan: Holly F@#kballs, Elmer Fudd, you’re real! But wait, why are you old and wearing a dress?

Whoopi Goldberg: He, he, he, she thinks you’re Elmer Fudd too. See George Clooney wasn’t the only one

Barbara Walters: Can it Gail.

Whoopi Goldberg: You better check yourself Elmer.

[Dear TvGasm gets tapped on the shoulder]

Dear TvGasm: Why  hi Steven Tyler!

Steven Tyler: Yezzzz, well tromaz and neeevyah, right? Heh, heh, heh.

[Somebody's grandma jumps in front of Steven Tyler and flashes her boobs]

Dear TvGasm: Holly f@#kballs Elmer Fudd! I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that.

Steven Tyler: Yezzz! Hamma doddy bescuitie.Amirite?

Dear TvGasm: Umm, just a second somebody is tweeting me.

@Glitterbloz: Steven Tyler is racess.

@waffelknabe: Hey Niki Minaj, are you sure? I think he’s just having a stroke.

@Gltterbloz: LOLZ

@waffelknabe: where you at Barbi?

@GlitterBloz: stuck at work party. SUXS

@waffelknabe: How so?