Dear TvGasm: The 2012 Christmas Party

[Room looks at Kyle in horror]

Horrible Sober Kyle Richards: Er, I mean I’m your sister and I’ll always take care of you?

Drunken Kim Richards: Yeah, go steal another house Dorothy. Whoops, there’s another part you didn’t get either. Hey, did you know I worked with Judy Garland on Escape From New York? Lovely woman, and very professional. Kind of hairy though.

Horrible Sober Kim Richards: Kim, for the last time, it was Escape From The Planet of the Apes, that wasn’t Judy Garland, it was Roddy McDowell, and you weren’t in the movie, we saw it at the theater.

Drunken Kim Richards: Potato, potatah.  Now quit calling me Kim Kyle. I’m trying to be method like Dame Judy Dench. My name is Santa Claude and I was a Jedi knight in a galaxy far, far, away. But I’m here tonight, and I’ve brought gifts in my sack for everybody.

Andy Cohen: I love gifts!

Barbara Walters: Me too!

Adrienne Maloof: What did you bring us?

Whoopi Goldberg: Good God, what is that smell?

[Drunken Kim Richards yanks open the bag]

Drunken Kim Richards: It’s my World Famous, Hand Made Prom Salad! I call it prom salad because it’s the chicken salad I made for my daughter’s prom six months ago.

Soccer Hooligan Lisa Vanderpump: Oh bloody ‘ell!

Adrienne Maloof: That’s insulting!

[Pandemonium breaks loose and the first glass of the evening explodes against a wall]

Lindsay Lohan: Hey everyone! I’ve got Elmer Fudd’s car keys, who wants to go for a ride?

Dear TvGasm: Well I think we can mark this one down in the books as a successful party

[Another glass explodes against a wall]

Guy Fieri: I call shotgun!

Dear TvGasm: So okay, thank you for coming to the party and being so nice all year long and please be sure to have the merriest happiest holiday you can have, whichever holiday you choose to celebrate.  Anyway, I’ve got to go. Lindsay, Lindsay! Driving is a bad, BAD idea. Give me the keys dear! Please?!

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