Dear TVgasm: The Bachelorette

(This week Dear TvGasm sits down to give Emily from The Bachelorette some relationship advice)

Dear TvGasm, maybe you can help me. I’m a young single mother looking for love. I’m also a widow, so giving my heart away could be hard to do. This is why I’m on my second season of using ABC at Match.com. I’m got my choices down to three guys, but I really need some advice, and Chris Harrison has been very busy with production meetings lately, can you help me?

Signed, It’s Hard For Me To Commit When The Red Light Isn’t On

Dear EmilyMaynard, is Dear TvGasm qualified to give relationship advice? Hmm, well I’m currently single, and have never maintained an adult relationship for longer then the expiration date on a carton of milk due to ridiculousness of my expectations in other people, and my plethora of tics, quirks, and what only could be described as personality deficiencies. In other words, I am exactly the kind of person Bravo would give a matchmaker show to. I mean who is going to look Andy Cohen in the eye and say no to that? Well, looking Andy Cohen in the eye is only slightly harder then seeing the sailboat in the 3-D picture down at the mall, but darnit, I am here to help!

Now the good news girlfriend is that you’ve done a great job of making sure there are only the people you could have a real long term emotional relationship with still on the show. Translation, all the guys have jobs and/or their families have money, they all also have hair, and good abs. So all we have to do is figure who is the princiest of your remaining prince charmings. Let’s see what we’ve got to work with:

Jef:

Pluses

• Is the exact sort of funny, cute guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously that you said you were looking for.
• Is the CEO of his own bottled water company
• He REALLY likes guns

 Minuses

• As far as this guy’s sexuality, while we’re not saying he’s gay, but we are saying that we wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if when you two built your dream house that his walk-in closet could be dead bolted from the inside
• 80% of the wives of guys who REALLY like guns on Dateline Mysteries are never seen again.

Something to Think About

• He’s from Utah, so you could end up with some super cool sister-wives. Wait, he’s not that kind of Mormon, so you could just look forward to all 14 of your sisters-in-law thinking that you’re kind of a shank.

Sean

If you need term life, Zoolander here might be able to hook you up

Pluses

• He sells insurance, so he’s like Vicki Gunderson with a penis
• Parents are loaded, so if things don’t work out you can live in that kickass playhouse in their backyard.
• Is tall, would never have to get step stool to get things off of top shelf ever again.

Minuses

• He’s a model/insurance salesman which is only one step up from model/actor, or a model/nuclear physicist, or god forbid, a model/model.
• He sells insurance, so he really could be like Vicki with a penis

Food for Thought

• He was very active in his church’s youth group, and he also dated a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader. Interestingly, he didn’t do both of these things at the same time.

Avi 

Pluses

•  Is a race car driver. Sure your last husband was a race car driver, but what are the odds of this guy dying too? Live a little, the actuary tables are your friends here.
• His family is European, so if you enjoy a relaxed refined lifestyle that involves soccer hooliganism, shitty pop music, and smoking like a blast furnace, you may be in luck.
• He knows Kim Kardashian.

Minuses

• You’re going to be disappointed when you find out exactly way he loves the show so much.
• He knows Kim Kardashian, may be a GD’ed crab ranch