Dear TVgasm: The Bachelorette

Watercooler

By WaffleBoy | Monday, July 9, 2012 | 6:00 am | 6 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

 

Something to Think About

  • Ari’s family is Dutch, which makes total sense because he is too. Anyway, being with him would be a great chance to learn the language. Or at least why his mom keeps muttering televise-hoer to herself all the time.

 

So who you should you pick? Don’t worry about it. Draw a name out of a hat, flip a coin, not pick whoever you are most sure will cry when they don’t get picked. May flies have longer relationships then couples from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Which shouldn’t come as too much of a shock seeing as most of the contestants seeming willing to pledge their undying love to a coat rack, let alone an actual human being.

The one thing you should try to do, is hurt the feelings of one of the guys you don’t pick. Then in a couple of cycles he can be the bachelor and hurt somebody else’s feelings and the big circle of shame can keep spinning. These shows are as close as ABC is ever going to get to showing how herpes get spread   in the 8-9 o’clock time slot.

Besides Emily you’ve got more important things to worry about. Like how in 10 years you are going to have to explain to your child why mommy wandered away for a few months to soul kiss strange men on TV. 

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

6 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Here’s another handy tip, Emily: since both you and the contestants are just here to build your TV brands anyway, just go ahead and pick Jef when the producers tell you to. They want Sean–or, if Sean falls off a motorcycle and lands on his face (or his abs)–Arie for the Bachelor, so you have to pick Jef and take him out of the mix.

    You’re welcome.

  2. 2
    considerthis
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Jef is Chet from the Real World. Are Mormons allowed to be gay? Anybody who adds or subtracts letters from their names (Yes – Pamm, Jenn,Bil,Robb and Jef I’m talkin 2 u) have oooh look at me I’m so hip, cool unique issues anyways. Emileeee I know you are an ancient 27 years old and your eggs are rapidly drying up and you want Rickiiii to have a sibling but Jef is gonna want 7-10 brothers and sisters so prepare to get a birthin ASAP and renew your NRA membership STAT.

    Sean – Wow gettin hitched to the merry prankster might cause you to die from laughter! The whole “I still live at home” skit he and he witty family put over on you is just the tip of the fly in the iceberg. Remember Roberto sold insurance too and look what happened to him.

    Arieeee – OK you lied to Emileeee about the fact that you dated a producer on the show and she was a lil miffed but seems to raise above those petty trust issues to intertwine tongues with you again. Personally his Zombie like eyes freak me out. Joran Van Der Sloot was Dutch too???

    My thoughts are with Emileee it is ALL about the Bank. Love Schmove just keep me and Rickiiii in the lifestyle we are acoustomed too and it’s all good. My bet is the biggest bank winsssssss.

  3. 3
    WaffleBoy
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I didn’t put this in the post, but Star Magazine, is saying that Emily is looking to hook up with Chris Harrison, Que Scandal! Now Gossip Cop said this was complete BS, but Gossip Cop only signs off on stories like Ernest Borgnine dying, and somebody having a kid. But then it’s from Star, the radar online of the print world, so, um, I had a point when I started writing this. Really. Honest. Quit making that face.

  4. 4
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    So, to recap: Emily’s choice is among:
    a) A gay mormon with nicer hair than hers.
    b) An insurance salesman/gay model/porn actor
    and
    c) A mentally challenged race-car driver with an aging Emily for a mother.

    Hmm. Which to choose. Which to choose.

  5. 5
    Mme Frenchie
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Well, I like Jef with one F’s personality, but that hair HAS TO GO! Arie’s Euro-trash parents are awful and were rude to speak in Dutch in front of Emily who is linguistically challenged. Sean’s parents are totally loaded so if they got divorced she might be set for life. Emily, good luck! Also, Jef is really short and might be Mormon, so get the old sewing machine ready to whip off some frumpy dresses!

  6. 6
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Well, if Emily WAS putting the ham in Chris Smarmison’s slamwich, it would generate a lot more magazine covers that any of the dorks she might get fake engaged to… you know Mike Fleiss is heavily pushing the idea when he and Harrison are doing lines together.

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