Design Star Recap Part One: Joker’s Revenge

I’d love to say these rooms are all pretty, but I love you too much to lie.

Due to a host of personal complications, I’m a little behind right now.  Enjoy this Design Star recap of the first episode today and I’ll have the second episode for you guys tomorrow!

HGTV might be the channel which brings us hours of low stress Canadian programming (yes, the Canadians are producing a TON of television designed to suck my time without elevating my blood pressure), but it is developing new shows as well.  Take one part Project Runway, one part Top Chef and a dash of Trading Spaces and you get HGTV’s Design Star.  It’s a competition show where the winner gets a contract for their own Design-Themed TV show on the network.  I just enjoy mocking the horrible color scheme choices and unfortunate accessories, so it’s a win-win situation for all.

After last season’s disappointing winner (Sorry, Meg is boring), let’s see if any overbearing, catty or nauseous contestants can brighten our day.  I want gaudy accessories, uncomfortable furniture and a series of living spaces that don’t acknowledge the television as the most important item in the room.

As we are introduced to the designers this year, keep in mind that 85-95% of the ‘styles’ presented for each contestant are complete bullshit.  Rather than perpetuating the myth that “Masculine Glamour” is a true design style, I prefer to call it what it is:  “Shiny Stuff for Gay Persians”.  Let’s all admit that “Glitzy Transitional” really means “Clearance Rack at Marshall’s”.

First we meet the ‘Modern Functional ‘ Lucas, who reveals hints of future bitchiness with his proclamation that his designs are Lucalicious.  He also loves to step over all the other designers’’ camera time and loudly proclaim his talent throughout the intro segment, a great sign for his bitchy potential for the season.  Rachel seems like a typical Midwestern girl, pretty dull.  Bex seems like a designer with far too much exposure to Zooey D.  She’s quirky with a capital WTF.

My freaky bangs prove I’m a unique Texan ‘yall.  Or I just want CannedGinger to remember her ‘Electric Youth’ look.

I will either love or love to hate Bex, only time can tell.  Next we have the hungry-for-success-before-he-completely-loses-his-looks Jordan.  Just one piece of advice Jordan:  melting candle wax in your bathroom to sell at the local flea market is not a candle line, it is desperation.  Please put the business cards away.  As if the candle line wasn’t enough to find him laughable, Jordan describes his style as ‘Masculine Glamour’.  I’m expecting a showcase of black and white photographs with glistening male abs in provocative poses.

Next we get the Wendy Pepper of the competition, Miera.  This woman is startling, and only on second viewing did I realize why:  the Botox has frozen her mouth into a strange shape resembling the Joker victims in Batman (1989 version).

As long as the designs put a smile on your face…

Actually, Miera seems like a really, really bland woman with a monochrome blue color palette.  I will be amazed if anything Miera produces in competition has any flavor at all.  Michel’s ‘Vintage Chic’ is just an excuse to repurpose items from the local Thrift Store and call it art.  Danielle seems like a pretty competent designer with a style I like, but she is also the designer picked for the show by producers for her Tragic Story™.  Since I’ve had a loved one die in the past month too, I’m going to be biased towards rooting Danielle on (unless of course she turns into a bitch I want to hate).

Kris gets almost no intro, and I know he’s going to be my favorite designer to hate.  Why?  Because he loves himself so much, of course!  I need to balance the universe before we’re all sucked into his vortex of self-absorption!  Yuki is an interior designer, artist and store owner.  From the moment she proclaims to be ‘an artist first’, I have a bad feeling about her chances.