Let’s move on to part 2, shall we? And did you think I forgot about our little drawing for two people to win DVD sets of Desperate Housewives? Well, I did. But then I remembered. But then I forgot again. Then I took a nap. And then I remembered again. So, I’ll include that at the end!
Also, did the network have a special before the two-part finale with interviews and clips like they did for Lost? If so, I’d like to see that. If not, that’s stupid, since even though this show went south before Lost did, it was a groundbreaking show and big moneymaker for ABC and they should have honored it’s legacy. Or should I say lega-SHE? No. I shouldn’t. Ever.
We open with a moving van turning onto a beautiful street in Wichita, Kansas. Just kidding . . . It’s Wisteria Lane in Fairview, Eagle State! And Mary Alice is all, This is how it all began . . . And who did it begin with?
Martha f**king Huber, bitches.
She was only in season 1 (and others sporadically), but I have really missed her. She was such a fun, passive-aggressive bitch, wasn’t she? I bet she’s in hell right now, talking to Satan, all, “Oh. So you put olives in your potato salad, Satan. No, I’m sure that will be fine.” And who is she welcoming to the neighborhood?
Mary f**kin’ Alice f**kin’ Young.
I love Mary Alice and Brenda Strong. I wonder if I would have loved her as much if she’d been more of a presence in the series . . . But she’s been very underused since season 6, if you ask me, especially considering last season dealt with her freaking ex-husband (and not dealt with very well, if you ask me). I don’t know if I love Brenda Strong enough to watch the new Dallas on TNT (although I probably do, because that shit looks SOAPY), but I wish you well, Brenda. I wish you well. Mary Alice tells Martha that her husband and son are in another van and will be here later. Martha’s all, Hey, where ya from, kiddo? Mary Alice is all, Up north! Small town! You wouldn’t know it! Martha’s like, Why won’t you tell me? Mary Alice is all, Uhhhhhhh . . . And then, Mary Alice says in a voice-over that Martha Huber figured that she had a secret and would make it her mission to figure it out. “This,” Mary Alice says, “was the beginning of the end.” We flashback to Mary Alice shooting herself and there’s a mini-montage of some scenes from the past seasons and like only one millisecond of Renee, hee. No Edie. No Katherine. No Eddie Stranglin’ Hands. I kind of wish they’d done it like the season 5 finale of Buffy, when they had “Previously on Buffy . . .” and did a clip from literally every episode in the series. That was cool. But this’ll do. Kind of. No credits. I know it’s petty, but I really wanted to see the full credits with all the art and Danny Elfman’s full theme song. Oh well.
Goodbye forever, ridiculous ladies holding ridiculous apples ridiculously.
Susan is telling all her buddies that she’s moving from the Lane and then an old, mysterious friend stops by.
“What up, bitches?”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA dammit, it’s not Betty Applewhite. And you guys? I don’t think we’ll see her again. And that makes me ever so sad. Godspeed, Betty Applewhite. I hope you’re somewhere lying to people about your son and playing the piano to distract people during neighborhood meetings.
No, the mystery person is:
Katherine mutha f**kin’ Mayfair.
Cut to her telling the girls that a few months after she moved to Paris, she and Robin broke up. I guess Robin’s only a lesbian in America, just like how Vin Diesel is only straight in Europe.
“I prefer dating in Europe, dawg.”
Um, okay, then. That’s a perfectly normal thing to say, Vin Diesel. Katherine’s done with women and channeling her energy into making frozen foods for the French.
“Mon frozen couchon et baguette! She is, how you say? — Tastes like American crap, non?!”
Katherine blabs about all her money and the chateaus she’s buying (Gabby is hilarious in this scene, by the way, and it’ll be a major shame if Eva Longoria isn’t at least nominated for an Emmy this season), which brings her to why she’s back on the Lane: She has a business proposition for Lynette.
“One million dollars. For one night.”
“Wait, wha — I . . . I will need liquor. And beers. Many, many beers.”
Oh, right — Renee’s getting married. I’m going to say it one last time (awww, that’s sad!): This has absolutely nothing to do with Vanessa Williams — I think she’s a talented actress, and even though I will stab someone in the ear if I hear “Save the Best For Last” one more time, I like her because she seems so fun and feisty and game for anything — but I almost could not care less about Renee’s wedding. I think Vanessa Williams would have been a great addition to the cast years ago, but she came in at the tail end and I think a lot of times the writers sat in the writing room and said, “Oh, wait, what are we going to do with Renee this week?” She’s been incredibly underused. Vanessa, sweetie, it’s not your fault, but Renee’s wedding plot is not my friend. So I’m not going to spend much time on it. There are more important things.
Like posting shirtless pics of Mike Delfino/James Denton. For the last time . . .
I wish those photos were larger, kids, but when I recapped last season, I stupidly didn’t make the screengrabs as large as they are now. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Let’s see if I can recap this scene in one really long run-on sentence: Renee is getting fitted for her dress and bitching at the woman who is fitting it for her and then Ben comes in with the programs for the wedding and Renee hides behind the dress-fitter so Ben can’t see her in the dress and the programs are the wrong color and Ben thinks Renee is a big ole bitch and Renee keeps on bitching so Ben leaves and Renee is still bitching.