Desperate Housewive Recap: Series Finale (Part 2)

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Friday, May 18, 2012 | 9:10 am | 27 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Desperate Housewives, Recaps

Let’s move on to part 2, shall we?  And did you think I forgot about our little drawing for two people to win DVD sets of Desperate Housewives?  Well, I did.  But then I remembered.  But then I forgot again.  Then I took a nap.  And then I remembered again.  So, I’ll include that at the end!

Also, did the network have a special before the two-part finale with interviews and clips like they did for Lost?  If so, I’d like to see that.  If not, that’s stupid, since even though this show went south before Lost did, it was a groundbreaking show and big moneymaker for ABC and they should have honored it’s legacy.  Or should I say lega-SHE?  No.  I shouldn’t.  Ever.

We open with a moving van turning onto a beautiful street in Wichita, Kansas.  Just kidding . . . It’s Wisteria Lane in Fairview, Eagle State!  And Mary Alice is all, This is how it all began . . .   And who did it begin with?

Martha f**king Huber, bitches.

She was only in season 1 (and others sporadically), but I have really missed her.  She was such a fun, passive-aggressive bitch, wasn’t she?  I bet she’s in hell right now, talking to Satan, all, “Oh.  So you put olives in your potato salad, Satan.  No, I’m sure that will be fine.”  And who is she welcoming to the neighborhood?

Mary f**kin’ Alice f**kin’ Young.

I love Mary Alice and Brenda Strong.  I wonder if I would have loved her as much if she’d been more of a presence in the series . . . But she’s been very underused since season 6, if you ask me, especially considering last season dealt with her freaking ex-husband (and not dealt with very well, if you ask me).  I don’t know if I love Brenda Strong enough to watch the new Dallas on TNT (although I probably do, because that shit looks SOAPY), but I wish you well, Brenda.  I wish you well.  Mary Alice tells Martha that her husband and son are in another van and will be here later.  Martha’s all, Hey, where ya from, kiddo?  Mary Alice is all, Up north!  Small town!  You wouldn’t know it!  Martha’s like, Why won’t you tell me?  Mary Alice is all, Uhhhhhhh . . . And then, Mary Alice says in a voice-over that Martha Huber figured that she had a secret and would make it her mission to figure it out.  “This,” Mary Alice says, “was the beginning of the end.”  We flashback to Mary Alice shooting herself and there’s a mini-montage of some scenes from the past seasons and like only one millisecond of Renee, hee.  No Edie.   No Katherine.  No Eddie Stranglin’ Hands.  I kind of wish they’d done it like the season 5 finale of Buffy, when they had “Previously on Buffy . . .” and did a clip from literally every episode in the series.  That was cool.  But this’ll do.  Kind of.  No credits.  I know it’s petty, but I really wanted to see the full credits with all the art and Danny Elfman’s full theme song.  Oh well.

Goodbye forever, ridiculous ladies holding ridiculous apples ridiculously.

Susan is telling all her buddies that she’s moving from the Lane and then an old, mysterious friend stops by.

“What up, bitches?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA dammit, it’s not Betty Applewhite.  And you guys?  I don’t think we’ll see her again.  And that makes me ever so sad.  Godspeed, Betty Applewhite.  I hope you’re somewhere lying to people about your son and playing the piano to distract people during neighborhood meetings.

No, the mystery person is:

Katherine mutha f**kin’ Mayfair.

Cut to her telling the girls that a few months after she moved to Paris, she and Robin broke up.  I guess Robin’s only a lesbian in America, just like how Vin Diesel is only straight in Europe.

“I prefer dating in Europe, dawg.”

Um, okay, then.  That’s a perfectly normal thing to say, Vin Diesel.  Katherine’s done with women and channeling her energy into making frozen foods for the French.

“Mon frozen couchon et baguette!  She is, how you say? — Tastes like American crap, non?!”

Katherine blabs about all her money and the chateaus she’s buying (Gabby is hilarious in this scene, by the way, and it’ll be a major shame if Eva Longoria isn’t at least nominated for an Emmy this season), which brings her to why she’s back on the Lane:  She has a business proposition for Lynette.

“One million dollars.  For one night.”

“Wait, wha — I . . . I will need liquor.  And beers.  Many, many beers.”

Oh, right — Renee’s getting married.  I’m going to say it one last time (awww, that’s sad!):  This has absolutely nothing to do with Vanessa Williams — I think she’s a talented actress, and even though I will stab someone in the ear if I hear “Save the Best For Last” one more time, I like her because she seems so fun and feisty and game for anything — but I almost could not care less about Renee’s wedding.  I think Vanessa Williams would have been a great addition to the cast years ago, but she came in at the tail end and I think a lot of times the writers sat in the writing room and said, “Oh, wait, what are we going to do with Renee this week?”  She’s been incredibly underused.  Vanessa, sweetie, it’s not your fault, but Renee’s wedding plot is not my friend.  So I’m not going to spend much time on it.  There are more important things.

Like posting shirtless pics of Mike Delfino/James Denton.  For the last time . . .

I wish those photos were larger, kids, but when I recapped last season, I stupidly didn’t make the screengrabs as large as they are now.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  Let’s see if I can recap this scene in one really long run-on sentence:  Renee is getting fitted for her dress and bitching at the woman who is fitting it for her and then Ben comes in with the programs for the wedding and Renee hides behind the dress-fitter so Ben can’t see her in the dress and the programs are the wrong color and Ben thinks Renee is a big ole bitch and Renee keeps on bitching so Ben leaves and Renee is still bitching.

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

27 Comments

  1. 1
    April
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    I think if nothing else Susan and Lynette would keep in touch considering they share a grandchild. They probably at least saw each other at some holidays and weddings and birthday parties. As long as Porter still acts like a father.

  2. 2
    April
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    It makes me sad because I think about my best mom friends and how close we are. Then I think about that one day we will all probably move away from each other and not talk anymore. Our kids are close and I am close to their kids and vice versa. It will be hard.

  3. 3
    Clair Clair
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Hypo, I will miss your recaps. You don’t just tell the reader what happened – you make it funny, you point out discrepancies, you talk about past seasons, you add shirtless pictures of Mike and Carlos… I will definitely be looking for more recaps from you. I may not watch the shows, but I’ll read your recaps.

  4. 4
    yummy
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Random thoughts:

    I’ve always loved Gabby’s cackle, it cracks me up every time
    Kudos on the Mike and (especially) Bob pics
    I think they saw each other after parting ways, too. There’s no way they didn’t at least talk on the phone
    I miss Edie!
    And lastly, I’ll miss this show so much. Here’s to you, Desperate Housewives

  5. 5
    exene
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I really enjoyed the series (even the bad years)– I was crying my eyes out during the Wonderful, Wonderful sequence (although it had been done before on Six Feet Under– and better). I will miss the show and your recaps. :)

  6. 6
    Kammie
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I gave up watching the series after season 5, but have regularly been following your recaps. I am so going to miss them, and hope you pick up another show soon (do you recap another show already?) I love your writing and humor and I think the tears I had in my eyes were for your last DH recap….ok, well maybe a little of it was your description of the last scenes. You really captured the show beautifully! Anyway, I’m going to stop now before you think I’m some kind of crazy fangirl….or am I? Just kidding – I’m not. Thanks for the laughs!

  7. 7
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Oh, you guys, you’re so wonderful (wonderful), just like always. I really think that I have the best readers and commenters EVER. Like in the entire history of TVGasm. Throughout these four years, you all have been right there with me through the ups and downs, highs and lows, always giving me something interesting to think about, posting theories, catching my continuity mistakes, and making me laugh. To paraphrase Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz: I think I’ll miss you most of all, DH Gasmii.

    I DO recap another show! It’s just not on right now. BUT it will start up again on June 5th! That’s so soon! The show is “Pretty Little Liars.” It’s on ABC Family and it’s pretty much Desperate Housewives in high school. It doesn’t have the humor of DH and — this may blow your mind — it’s even more convoluted and neglectful of continuity than this show ever was. I know, right?! So you’ll be able to read those soon. Alas, they do not have any hunky middle-aged men on the show. Although Doug Savant’s gorgeous wife, Laura Leighton, is a regular on the show, so there’s a DH connection.

    I’m going to admit that I was fully prepared to hate this finale. Marc Cherry hadn’t written a finale since season 2 and hadn’t written any episodes of season 8 so I figured it wouldn’t be up to par. But I was wrong. I think because this season was merely okay and not spectacular, I had low expectations. Which turned out to be a good thing. I can’t really say too much more than I said in the recap, but I was pretty satisfied.

    I do think, though, that the relationships between Renee and Ben and Bree and Trip were really rushed this season, just so they could pair everyone up. Except Susan, I guess. I’m still sore that Mike was killed off for no reason whatsoever and that Susan never really got any closure (did the mafia dude/loan shark go to jail? Was he murdered by someone else?).

    I wish there was one more season, just so that my Kayla-Back-For-Revenge story line could play out, but I guess I’ll have to live with it.

    If they had continued the show with Jennifer and others, would you guys have watched it? I would have. But there’s something so delicious about leaving a series finale on the note that Cherry left it on, leaving the audience to speculate . . . I still think it was a pretty genius move on his part. I wanna know what’s in that box!

  8. 8
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    I said in the previous comment that this season was “merely okay and not spectacular.” I retract. This season was not “spectacular” but it was more than merely “okay.” I think it was the best season since season 4, actually.

  9. 9
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Annnnd I’m downloading “Wonderful! Wonderful!” as we speak. Desperate Housewives has reclaimed it’s wonderful-ness from The X-Files. For now, at least . . .

  10. 10
    atlgirl
    Posted May 18, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Thanks for all of the great DH recaps, Hypno, I loved reading your insights about the show and all of your knowledge of past seasons. I’m so going to miss this show, the finale was perfect. I agree with you, I think the ladies kept in touch over the years, it just was never the same, like when you graduate high school.

  11. 11
    kczar
    Posted May 19, 2012 at 4:12 am

    I’m really going to miss most of these women (I yelled “I hate Susan” about six times during the finale). I’m happy the ladies seem to have gotten their happy endings after all the crap that happened to them on the lane. Maybe that’s the problem – Wisteria Lane is cursed.

    Hypnotoad, thank you so much for recapping this show over the years. You’ve done an amazing job and how you can remember all the little details from seasons past is amazing! And you’re right, X-Files definitely tainted “Wonderful, Wonderful”. I had forgotten about that episode and wondered why I was a bit creeped out when they kept playing it!

    I’ll miss Lynette’s gut wrenching emotional scenes, Gaby’s wacky schemes, Bree’s anal retentive ways and Susan’s…daughter Julie. I hope these actresses find other venues for their talents. I’d watch them in almost anything.

  12. 12
    Kammie
    Posted May 19, 2012 at 4:26 am

    By the way, I re-watched the “Home” episode of x-files last night. That is probably why I yelled in terror when my husband gently touched my shoulder to tell me he was home (I was asleep). I think I gave him a heart-attack. Unless I watch this episode of DH, I might never want to hear that song ever again!

  13. 13
    Bioscotto
    Posted May 19, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Much love, Hypno! I’ll miss Desperate Housewives way more for the lack of your recaps than for the lack of the show itself!

    I’ve enjoyed your wit and humor, and have truly appreciated your eye for a certain male aesthetic that you were willing to share with us ;)

    I really liked the way they ended with the start of another mystery…had a nice symmetry to it…and as a Louisville, KY native, I find it hilarious that Bree ended up here…I guarantee she lived in the east end and shopped at The Summit!

    Take care…maybe I’ll have to start watching Pretty Little Liars so I can get my Hypnotoad fix…or just read the recaps and skip the show…that could work, too! :D

  14. 14
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I would love it if you read my Pretty Little Liars recaps! Be forewarned: The show is exhausting.

  15. 15
    PlathAddict PlathAddict
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Thank you so much for sharing my favorite kind of cake – BEEF! I think I will miss your recaps more than I’ll miss the show. I kind of hardened my heart against it after they killed Edie, but I just couldn’t quit the crazy of Wisteria Lane. I do think it’s crazy that Bree went into politics. I mean think of all the shenanigans this woman has been involved with. She abandoned her son, she was accused of murdering her husband. Her second husband covered up the murder of his mistress, attempted to murder Mike, and was a freaking burglar.
    Then there is the alcoholism, the second murder accusation, and all of the crap with her daughter. I guess the vetting process wasn’t that stringent.

  16. 16
    aman
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    hooray for winning! boo for the show ending!

    my sister watches PLL and loves it, and i intend to watch it (and follow your recaps) once im done watching all of the futurama episodes on netflix. woop!

  17. 17
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Yay! I was waiting for you to comment so I could email you. And I love Futurama! (Obviously, hence my recap nickname. All glory to the Hypnotoad!). PLL is annoying. My recaps are not. ;-)

    I’ll email you soon, aman!!!

  18. 18
    georgiababe
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    I won? Huzzah! I’ll have to remember my email password now…

    I honestly loved this finale. I was worried that I would be left disappointed, but I thought it was really great. I cried so hard during the “Wonderful Wonderful” montage, it was so sad and sweet. I figured that McCluskey would die in the finale, which makes me sad, but I loved her in the last two episodes and I am perfectly happy with how this whole thing ended.

    Also, totally agree, Gabby’s laugh during the poker scene was completely Eva Longoria. I imagine that the actors had lots of mixed emotions about leaving, I hope that the finale was as satisfactory for them.

    My only beef? There were significant people missing from the ghost sequence. Edie, obviously, but had they used her image somehow I’m sure that Sheridan would have sued. But what about Ida Greenberg?! Or Victor Lang? Or Deirdra? Or Eli Scruggs (the handyman)? Or Felicia Tillman? Matthew Applewhite? Or Wayne (Katherine’s ex)? Or Sylvia (Adam Mayfair’s ex-lover)? I think that those people are far more significant than Bradley Scott or Mona Clark (who were featured in 2 episodes max before being killed). And Orson’s mother would have been a nice addition, but Dixie Carter is dead, so…

    All in all, I’m satisfied. I was BAWLING during the ghost scene. Yes it’s kind of cheesy – especially dressing them all in white – but the music is amazing. The music on this show has always been so amazing and rather haunting, I have re-watched that clip a million times on YouTube just because I love the music.

    And I have to hand it to Cherry, I LOVE that they ended with a mystery. That felt like the show getting back to good old season 1 quality and it made me want to watch it with new characters.

    I don’t think there was a special for DH like there was for Lost, but I think that Lost was more popular at the end. DH had a lot of steam for the first four seasons, but then it kind of tuckered out. I hated the ending of Lost, but I think there was a lot more anticipation for that series finale than for this one, hence the additional special.

    I have so enjoyed reading your recaps over the past couple of seasons Hypnotoad (has it really been that long?) and I will definitely miss bitching about the love/hate relationship that we all have with this show. I don’t watch any other shows that you recap, but now I feel like I’ll need to start to fill the DH void!

    I am seriously going to miss this show. The finale made me remember why I loved it so much in the first place. Le sigh.

  19. 19
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Aman & georgiababe — I just emailed you! I’m a teensy bit oak-bray, so it may take a little while, but I will NOT forget your DVDs!

    Did Felicia Tillman really die? Did we have confirmation on that? I remember her getting hit by a truck, but I can’t remember if we saw her actually dead and/or dying. And I don’t think Orson’s mom died — she was just in a coma the last time we saw her. Am I right? I don’t know . . . And I sort of remember Mona being in about 5 or so episodes because she was blackmailing Drea De Matteo, but you’re right — she wasn’t in a whole bunch of them. Also, where was Paul’s second wife, the one who killed herself? Was she in there? Did I miss her?

    I’m disappointed there wasn’t a special. They had one for Will & Grace and that show didn’t have as much success after the 5th season or so. I really feel that ABC should have honored the show more than it did. Yes, after season 4 it declined in both ratings and storytelling, but the show was a juggernaut when it first came out. (I don’t really know what juggernaut really means, but it’s a fun word, isn’t it)? We, the fans, should have been respected, dammit.

    I’ll agree on the Lost episode. I didn’t hate it quite as much as everyone else did (people were piiiiiiissssed!), but even though I was let down by the plot and how everything ended up, it was emotionally satisfying for me. I thought it was true to the characters (for the most part) but not true to the story-line and mythos of the show by any means. I’m glad I had low expectations going into this finale, because I really was satisfied with the way things played out. They should have added more shirtless men, though.

    You guys so do not have to watch Pretty Little Liars, but I may require you to comment on the recaps. Even if you’re just making a comment about Desperate Housewives that has nothing to do with Pretty Little Liars — that would be awesome.

    PLL is the only other show I recap. I can’t recap reality shows because I feel really bad making fun of people who are, for lack of a better word, being “real.” I blame that one time I recapped that stupid “Dating in the Dark” show and at least one contestant per episode commented on my recap. Which was kind of fun, but it made me feel a little guilty. But only a little . . . So I tend to do scripted shows and Pretty Little Liars is my cup of tea — it’s dark, it’s bitchy, there are a couple characters that I truly HATE, and it’s incredibly ludicrous. Like, INCREDIBLY. If you put Sweet Valley High, Saved By the Bell, and Desperate Housewives in a blender, you’d come up with Pretty Little Liars.

  20. 20
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    Here’s a youtube link that lists the ghosts:

  21. 21
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    Holy shit — the video just showed up! I didn’t have to do any fancy tagging or HTML tags or anything! I love the new TVGasm!

  22. 22
    georgiababe
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Yup, you’re right, Orson’s mom didn’t die, I forgot she was just in a coma. And I don’t know if Felicia died, I don’t know if they confirmed it, but I figure that getting hit head on by a semi when you’re in a sedan will probably do it.

    Paul’s second wife was totally there, she was standing with Rex and Chuck and Katherine’s aunt Lily in front of Bree’s (I think) house.

  23. 23
    CrazyTrain CrazyTrain
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Aww Hypno, thanks so much for all of these years of recaps. I have read every word, and have always loved the shirtless pics! This was a pretty good finale, all said and done.

    PLL is such a crazy show. I cannot wait for it to ocme back and for your recaps! <3

  24. 24
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted June 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Kathryn Joosten, who played McCluskey, has sadly passed away.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/02/kathryn-joosten-desperate-housewives-dead_n_1565040.html

    RIP, Kathryn. You deserved every bit of praise and every reward you received.

  25. 25
    See-Jay
    Posted June 3, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Just heard about her passing. :(

    Fuck cancer.

  26. 26
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted June 3, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Indeed.

  27. 27
    Kris
    Posted July 13, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Tom ‘I’ve been having mid life crisises for the better part of a decade’ Scavo has something to say about Lynette never being happy? Right……..

    At least he came through in the end. I did like Lynette’s speech. I kind of think maybe it touched Tom in the sense he realized it should be true about him as well

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