At the supermarket, Lynette runs into Natalie — who you may remember from the pilot episode! I love it! Good call, Cherry. Yes, you may have a Hostess Fruit Pie now, Marc Cherry. Not the blueberry! Natalie was the bigshot lady who made Lynette feel bad for staying home with the kids. She’s sorry to hear about Tom but Lynette says they worked it out. Natalie goes on to say that that’s good because otherwise Lynette would have sacrificed her life for her family with nothing to show for it. Ooooooh, beyotches say what?! Lynette says that she didn’t sacrifice her own life but Natalie still goes on about how she has to travel between 15 cities for her high-paying job and Lynette blurts out that she had a job offer yesterday. In NYC, no less. That means New York City, Natalie! NEW YORK CITY! Lynette says it’s a lot to consider and Natalie says that’s the difference between them — Natalie would snatch that shit up, but Lynette is, in her heart, “a wife and a mommy.” Oh, hell no, Natalie, you g.d. jellyfish! When she leaves, Lynette immediately gets on the horn with Katherine.
“All right. I’ll shave them into the form of a lightning bolt if you up the offer to $750,000.”
I went there and I apologize. Sort of. Gabby’s off to work for the morning but gets sidetracked by the new gardener Carlos hired.
“Hi! Don’t worry. I’m gonna work so f**king hard on these stamens and then have Carlos help hose everything down. On my boobs.”
Where do you guys think John Rowland is right now? I bet he’s working behind the glass at one of those sad, tiny gas stations. Wait, I’m confusing John Rowland with the actual Jesse Metcalfe. Just kiddin’, Metcalfe. I know you’re in TNT’s Dallas. Along with Mary Alice. And Edie’s nephew Austin. Wow. That show is a who’s who of who was thats on Desperate Housewives, isn’t it? Except Brenda Strong. She’s mah boo.
Anyway, Carmen’s the new gardener and Carlos is like, “She’s going to take care of everything that’s neglected.” Gabby says that Carlos crossed the line and storms off. Then Carmen winks seductively at Carlos, who goes back inside. To touch himself, I’m guessing.
Renee’s wedding day. Gabby, Julie, and Susan are helping Renee into her limo while Bree stops by McCluskey’s to check on her before she leaves for the wedding. Roy tells her that Karen is sleeping and that it probably won’t be long now. She offers to stay, but Roy tells her that it’s their time to be alone together. Bree notices a record player and a 45 — turns out that Trip found them for McCluskey and must have gone to “20 different record stores” to find the EP. He tells Bree that Trip is a good egg.
In the limo, Renee’s on the horn with Ben, who is (I’m assuming from the one-sided conversation) pissed that Renee is late. Speaking of late, Julie’s water breaks. All over Renee’s dress. Hee . . . I guess. I’m sorry you guys, but you’d have to be a brain-dead idiotic moron not to see that totally coming.
“I did not see that coming.” “I did not either.”
Renee is upset but Gabby tells the driver to stop by her store to pick up a new wedding dress. Susan tells the driver to go to the hospital, but Julie says it’s fine to stop by the store. At the store, Gabby and Susan run in to grab a dress. The only one Renee sees that will do is in the hands of a bride-to-be, so Renee of course grabs it out of her hands. Gabby tells the security dude that she works there and just needs to borrow a dress, but since she doesn’t have her i.d., the guy tells her that she needs to get the hell out of there, crazy-ass. Meanwhile, Julie and Susan are breathing and junk and Susan tells the driver to go in and check on Renee and Gabby. While he’s doing that, Susan gets behind the driver’s seat and drives Julie to the hospital! Inside the store, Gabby tells Renee to run like hell. Talk about a runaway bride!
“No. Just . . . just no.”
I’m with Julia. That joke was completely stupid and reprehensible. Later on, Gabby and Renee — who have had to walk/run to the wedding, because the limo was gone and we should assume they left their cell phones inside it in order to maintain sanity during this final episode — arrive at the wedding. Renee, tired and extremely pissy, lays into Ben like Tyra did to Tiffany in cycle 4 of ANTM.
“YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOSELF! CUZ NOBODY’S GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU!”
She yells at Ben that she doesn’t want to hear any crap, but he just tells her that she’s beautiful. I just realized how weird it is that these two are getting married. Because a.) it happened so quickly and 4.) I’m not 100% buying the love between them. Let it go, let it go, last episode, let it go . . .