Desperate Housewives Recap: Series Finale (Part 1)

Back at the courthouse, Trip tells Bree that if Ben’s testimony (he’s testifying today) is damning, then he’s going to have to put Gabby back on the stand since Ramon/Alejandro was her stepdad.  Bree’s all, Aw hell no, d-bag, you ain’t gonna do that!  She has faith that Trip won’t have to.  The prosecution has questions for Ben.

“Why haven’t you taken your shirt off at all this season?”

“I’m . . . pretty sure that I did at one point . . .”

“Well, you didn’t.  Prosecution rests, your honor.”

Ben is all, I don’t remember the phone conversation I had with Bree.  But it’s cool, because it was recorded so the lawyer lady can play it back for the jury.  It’s all about Ben protecting Bree and Bree saying that she buried a body, but Ben still won’t answer any questions, so he’s arrested for contempt by Judge I’m Going to Allow This.

When Bree gets home, she’s accosted by Renee.

Renee Perry IS Joseph in Fairview Community Theatre’s production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat!”

It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ugly and hideous and completely not flattering.  She’s like, What up, Bree, why is my fiancee in jail because of you, cuz we’re getting married in the next episode (I’m assuming), so “release him from the promise he made to you!”  Bree says she can’t and Renee’s like, Did you murder that dude?  Bree is insulted!  She may have practically murdered George and she shot the Applewhite kid, but she did not kill Alejandro!  Touche, Van de Kamp.  Touche.  Renee’s like, If I don’t get the truth, I’m gonna throw down a bunch of shit, Perry-Style.

Gabby’s helping Lynette prep for her “date” with Tom.  Oh no!  Tom shows up early!  Gabby’s gonna have to hide in the house!  Or, you know, she could just leave out the back door.  Or the front door.  Since she’s, you know, friends with Lynette and Tom won’t think anything of it, probably.  But this is probably funnier.  Allegedly.  Anyway, Tom tells Lynette that he’s filing for divorce papers in the morning, in order to move to the “next phase.”  Oooooh, devastation!  Gabby asks if Lynette’s gonna go after him, but now Lynette knows that Jane wasn’t the problem — the problem was herself.  Which, if I’m going to be honest — wasn’t that why they separated in the first place?  Because Tom and Lynette had problems with each other?  I don’t know.  Next-to-last episode, just ignore it, Hypno, just ignore it.

Renee visits Ben in a private room at the jail, where he makes jokes.  Renee is not laughing.  She tells him to answer the questions, but Ben says he won’t, and besides, Bree has an alibi (the progressive dinner party).  Renee’s like, THAT was the night of the murder?  Cuz I saw some crap during/after that shiz:  Specifically, she saw Bree getting out of her car . . . We cut to after her talk with Ben and the prosecutor is like, I think you have something to say at the trial because we heard everything you said.  Renee says that she’s not gonna try to convict Bree but the prosecutor’s like, If you don’t, we’re gonna send Ben back to Australia, ho.

“That’s right.  Nuthin’ but a lifetime of Vegemite and the world’s most poisonous everything.”

Seriously.  If there’s an animal that can kill you instantly, it’s in Australia.

“Lick me.  I dare you.”

Ben’s back on the stand.  Long story short (too late), he again won’t answer any of the prosecutor’s questions and is sent back to jail.  The prosecutor calls surprise witness Renee Perry to the stand and Judge I’m Going to Allow This allows it.  Renee says that she was in bed when she was woken up by street noise at 3am; she got up and went to the window, saw Bree with mud and leaves on her walking up her driveway, carrying a shovel.  Collective gasp!