Desperate Housewives Recap: Series Finale (Part 1)

Afterwards, the gals are mad at Renee, because “friends aren’t supposed to turn on each other.”  Renee is rightly all, Oh so NOW we’re friends?  She says that she had to testify because of Ben’s deportation threat, so she chose the man she loved.  Trip pulls Bree into an empty office where Trip tells her that she’ll be convicted because of Renee’s testimony.  Even Trip is unsure because he doesn’t know the truth and Bree won’t tell him.  He’s pissed off that Bree will go to jail for a friend.  Also, he’s horny for Bree, so they kiss.  Also, Scott Bakula is a handsome and sexy man, but is it just me or does he kind of look like one of the Mystics?

I . . . loved you in “The Dark Crystal” . . . ?

I . . . loved you in “Quantum Leap” . . . ?

Bree gets so turned on by Trip that she blurts out that Carlos killed Alejandro/Ramon.  Trip tells her to tell him everything and the camera pans to a small statue on the desk.  Are they being bugged?  Because I’m pretty sure that that evidence couldn’t be admissible.  But anything goes in Judge I’m Going to Allow This’s courtroom . . .

Lee is showing Susan’s house to prospective buyers and they totes love the kitchen.  Gabby shows up!  Lee wants to show the people the upstairs!  Gabby needs a ride to the courthouse but wonders who the people in the house are.  Susan tells her they’re school chums.

Time for closing arguments at Bree’s trial.  Trip has a new witness and the prosecution is all, “A new witness, at this point?!”  Oh, that’s RICH coming from you, Lawyer McCall Surprise-y Everyone.  Turns out that Trip just wants to call Gabby back to the stand.  Oh, dear!  Trip shows Gabby a photo of Ramon/Alejandro and asks her if she recognizes him as Ramon Sanchez.  She truthfully says she does not.  Bree’s like, I want a recess!  Surprisingly, the judge does not allow this, as Bree is not a lawyer.  Gabby tells Trip and the jury that the man is Alejandro Perez, her stepfather.  Bree wants a recess and then passes out.  Order!  Order in the court!  Judge-y Wudge-y calls a recess until tomorrow. Bree didn’t really faint, of course, she’s just pissed at Trip and wanted the trial to stop.

Gabby is at McCluskey’s taking care of her, so of course Carlos comes over to yell at her.  This time, he’s pissed because Bree is in danger of going to jail, so he’s going to go to the trial and tell the truth.  Gabby tells him that she’ll confess because she won’t be convicted and Carlos will go to jail for his fourth strike or whatever if he confesses.  Carlos says no one will believe that she could physically kill a man, and Gabby says that adrenaline and fear makes people do crazy things.  She says that she’ll tell the truth about what happened that night (because she wants to change and be a good person) — that Alejandro came over and started attacking her, but instead of saying that Carlos killed him, she’ll say that she did it.  McCluskey hears all of this.

“Oh, goddammit, I’m about to die and the last thing I’ll ever hear is those two assholes fighting again.  Take me now, Jesus!  Take me now, dammit!”

Later that night, Carlos says he’s proud that Gabby’s changed (uhhhhhhhh . . .) and she’s such a role model for their kids (uhhhhhhhhh . . .), but Carlos won’t let her confess for him and there’s nothing she can do to stop him. Gabby spies Carlos’s jacket.  Hmmmmmmm . . .

Back at the courthouse AGAIN, McCluskey tells Trip to put her on the stand so she can tell everyone how freaking wasted Renee was the night of the progressive dinner.  Trip says he can fit her in next Monday, but McC is all, Have you seen me, chump?  I’m dying, so put me on the stand.  And since Gabby’s running late, he agrees.