Desperate Housewives Recap: Series Finale (Part 1)

Why is Gabby running late?  Because there’s a line at the metal detectors at the courthouse.  Seriously, Fairview?  I had to go to court in downtown Chicago and it literally took me 2 minutes to get through security, so . . . (next-to-last episode, calm down, Hypnotoad, calm down).  Gabby made Carlos wear that jacket.  Why?  Because she hid a switchblade in it so that Carlos would be stopped by security and consequently not make it to court to testify.

McCluskey is on the stand being questioned by Trip.  She tells the court that being in a neighborhood is part of a community, with “lives that are connected,” people who are there for each other.  Meanwhile, Mary Alice is pissed that McCluskey is stealing her thunder.  She waxes about how her neighbors are her family and families protect each other.  So when Alejandro came back, she knew how abusive she was to Gabby (Prosecutor:  “Objection!”  Judge:  I’m going to allow this), and that pissed McC off, so she followed him into Gabby’s house, picked up a candlestick and whacked that mother f***er!  Gabby runs in, but Lynette tells her what happened, so she sits down.  The prosecutor is like, Look how old she is!  McC is all, Adrenaline, fear, it’s surprising what people can do.  Gabby’s like, I said that last nigh — heyyyyyyy.

The judge calls the lawyers to her office and asks them how they’ll proceed.  Trip says he’ll call Gabby to the stand to recall her abuse and since most jurors are parents, they’ll sympathize with her.  Prosecutor:  “You can’t possibly allow this.”  Judge:  “I have to.”  Obviously.  Back to the courtroom.  The prosecutor tells the judge and court that the charges against Bree are dropped.  Yay!  She adds that she won’t file charges against McCluskey because she’s about to die and junk.  Which, um, would never in a million years happen in the American justice system, but it’s the next-to-last episode, so yay.  Wisteria Lane ladies group hug!  So, that’s the end of the Bree’s Trial plot, thank god.  I feel that it dragged on and on and on and on forever until the end of time.  Mostly because I really liked the mystery of who sent the note (what the hell happened with Orson, anyway?) so once that was over, there wasn’t much more mystery than Will Bree Go to Prison for Murder?  And I hate courtroom dramas and shows, so that probably had something to do with it.

Roy is outside on his porch when Tom stops by, telling Roy that he filed divorce papers and it was awesome what McCluskey did.  Roy has McCluskey’s pot roast recipe — it was a secret, but he got it because he told McCluskey there’s no point in holding back and there shouldn’t be things left unsaid.  They had a talk about life and death and telling each other the truth and junk.  And how they’re the love of each others’ lives.  He tells Tom that it’s important to let each other know how you feel about one another because life is short and people die and things like that.

“Are you . . . Are you in love with me?”

God, Tom, you just don’t get it!  Bree is having a little not-going-to-the-hoosegow party with all the gals.  Lee arrives to gay things up.  He pulls Susan away to ask her if she’s told the gals about the move yet, but she doesn’t know the right time.  Lee tells her to find one because he got an offer on the house.  Lynette’s off to get more ice because Bree is out of it.  Huh.  I guess being on trial for murder has hurt Bree’s hostess abilities.  Trip shows up to celebrate, but Bree ain’t havin’ it.  She’s super-pissed at Trip for promising not to put Gabby on the stand and then doing it.  Ohmigod, a shady lawyer?!  What is the world coming to?!  He lied to her.  Speaking of people who wear tacky outfits, Renee shows up with Ben.  She apologizes to Bree, who forgives her, and then Bree tells Trip to get the fudge out of her house.