Desperate Housewives Recap: Trial By Liar

Hey y’all!  Ready for the antepenultimate recap of Desperate Housewives?  Yeah, you are.  Let’s go!

In the “Previously on . . .” Mary Alice literally says, “Carlos and Gabby argued.”  I’m thinking they had to cut off her mic before she added ” . . . for the g.d. 2,000th time!”  Bree’s gone through a wide range of emotions since being arrested for the murder of Ramon/Alejandro:  First she was anxious, then worried, then kind of sleepy, then nervous, then worried again.  She’s totes nervous about Trip doing the witness prep with all the other ladies — turns out they need to have their shit together if they’re going to testify on Bree’s defense.  He fires a round of questions at them and they all cut the mustard.  Until Gabby is all, “That’s way worse than saying you killed Alejandro.”  And Trip’s like, Beyotch say what?!  Oh, dip.  Gabby says she was thinking about her gardener, because she gets her Mexicans confused, which is cool, because she herself is Mexican.  Before Trip leaves, he and Bree have a little moment and the gals are all, Don’t bone your lawyer, lame-o.  Bree says he feels something for her as well, but one look outside her window proves that she may not be quite right about that.

*Sigh*  If there was ever a time for an “Edie Britt gonna up and steal your man, bitch!” moment, it’s this one.

But alas, she’s dead.  Bree’s jealous of the convertible slut.  Credits.  When we get back, it’s time for a birthing class with Julie and Susan.  My friend Amy went to a birthing class and when the teacher asked her what she expected from her birth experience, she said, “Uh, a baby!”  And no one laughed and it was sad because that right there is some hilarious shit.  Here are some stereotypical pregnant women comments:  I’m so fat!  I want drugs!  I’m eating a lot and you’re an asshole for knocking me up!  Now, if you’d say to yourself, “These comments are pedantic and cliched and I would never use them in a script,” then pat yourself on the back.  If you’d say to yourself, “These are hilarious!  Let’s put them in the script and then go to Sonic for happy hour!” then you should grab a chair and park yourself in the Desperate Housewives staff writing room, because all of those were just uttered in about 30 seconds of air-time.  Susan’s talking to Julie about Bree’s murder trial, but this oddly isn’t calming to Julie, although it’s hard to calm her when she’s pissed that Porter isn’t there to help her with her pregnant junk.  Porter arrives just in time for the birthing DVD, but Julie’s not appreciative of the fact that he picked up an extra shift at Clown Burger (or Burger Clown.  Or Clowny Burger.  Or Doublemeat Palace.) to pay for the baby’s, well, everything.

“Do NOT make me go all Amber Portwood on your ass, you skinny bitch!”

Whoa, calm down, Not-So-Teen Mom.  No need for theatrics.  He tells Julie that he’s focused and ready to help.  Oh, look, Porter faints while watching the birth DVD.  Hilarity.  High class hilarity.

Bree’s on the horn, trying to get a hold of Trip, but he’s with the “blonde woman with the convertible.”  Who told her that on the phone?  Rude.  Rudeness.  She’s at Gabby’s store because Gabby is helping her pick out an outfit for the trial.  It’s the least she can do, you know, considering Bree is going to perjure herself for Carlos’s sake.  Anyone else kind of unsure why Bree is still going through this charade?  I don’t think the Bree of seasons 1-4 (maybe even 5) would do this and I suppose it’s supposed to show us that she’s grown as an individual, but still . . . Gabby says that Bree’s not going to be judged guilty and she isn’t worried at all.  Um, because you’re not the one on trial, dumbass.

Tom’s breaking the news to his kids that he’ll have to be in India for a year.  For some reason, they’re upset about this.  Especially Penny, who’s bummed that her dad will miss her 8th grade graduation.  Oh, Penny.  When you’re an adult you’ll wonder why anyone would actually give a shit about an 8th grade graduation.  You don’t even get gowns, Penny.  You don’t even get gowns.  He’ll miss teaching Parker to drive and the birth of Porter’s baby and then who will Lynette berate about hopes and dreams for a whole year, Tom, hmmmm?  Is she going to yell at Lee and tell him it’s a stupid idea to, I don’t know, buy a houseboat or learn sign language?  She can’t do that, Tom.  She just can’t!  Lynette asks to speak to Tom alone and asks how Jane took the news.  I’m assuming that Jane said something like, “Well, we’ll just have to get a copy of the Kama Sutra and have sex all weekend because I’m a horny doctor who needs to bone all the time,” because let’s face it:  Jane likes sex.  A lot.  Tom says Jane was upset.  And horny.  Upset and horny.  Tom drops a bombshell and says it’ll be hard to be away from Lynette for a year and he’ll really miss her.  Lynette’s all, “I’m so sorry . . .” And Tom’s like, “Why?  There’s nothing you can do about it.”  Oh, Tom.  If you only knew . . .