Desperate Housewives Recap: Trial By Liar

Bree’s at the courthouse when Trip’s convertible slut slides in, all slutty in her slut outfit and her slut hair, sluttin’ up the hallway with her sluttiness.  Bree asks her what she does, but all she’ll say is that Trip hires her from time to time and she can’t say what her line of work is because “discretion” is a big part of her job.  Then Bree all but outright calls her a hooker and the lady is all, “Tell Trip I’m off his case!” and runs out.  Turns out, Trip says, she’s a private investigator who was about to give them some good stuff regarding Bree’s case.  Oopsies.  Bree says she’ll talk to her.

Renee’s planning her wedding and none of us care.  She has a bridesmaid dress picked out for Lynette and it’s purple and I guess hideous because that’s what passes for funny in this episode, I suppose.  Lynette seems distracted, Renee says, and then Lynette tells them that Tom was all, I’m gonna miss you and I’ve maybe been missing you for a while.  They’re happy for her.  Next, please.

Bree finds Lindsay (the Slut) busy with a stake-out.  During the day.  And she’s not in her car.  To wit:  She is on the sidewalk and not in her car, across the street from some dude’s house, during the day, with an enormous camera.  And an obnoxious blue shirt.  Keith and Veronica are ashamed, Lindsay.

“I earned my private detective certificate on a two-hour cruise through international waters.  It’s printed on the back of a Chinese menu, so I know what I’m doing.”

Bree blows Lindsay’s, um, “cover” and then apologizes for calling Lindsay a whore-slut-hooker-ho.  Lindsay figures out that Bree likes Trip and got jealous, but she’ll forgive her and come back to the case, because female clients always fall for Trip.  When Bree suggests that Trip likes her back, Lindsay’s all, Yeeeeaah, he’s into the case, not you, red.

Susan is telling Julie that when men are in the delivery room, they get all excited about having the baby.  Mike almost passed out when he saw the video too, but once M.J. was born, he was totes cool with the kid.  She says that M.J. would get hurt and junk but Mike would always know what to do and then she gets all weepy because there are a lot of memories of Mike in the house.

“Right over there is where he took apart the plumbing to get those pills back because he needed his fix, the stupid junkie.  Ah, memories . . .”

Susan tells Julie not to worry about Porter but Julie says that Porter’s totally not into having the baby.  They had a deal — he’d raise the baby while she finished school, but now it’s falling apart.  What kind of a plan is that?  Porter’s going to have to look after the baby AND make enough money for all three of them?  That’s Bristol Palin logic, right there.

Lynette has Gregg over for some wine where she asks him to keep Tom in America and not send him to India. 

Meh, probably for the best.

He says that he didn’t really want to send Tom anyway, so it’s all good.  Lynette’s grateful, which to Gregg = sex, but Lynette’s not ready to get physical which causes Gregg to freak out.  He’s all, You use me to get back at your ex and now you’re dumping me?!  He kind of has a point, even though he’s a bit dick-ish.

Later that night, no one can sleep, so Susan goes for a walk and runs into Lynette.  They reminisce about the night they buried Alejandro and then Gabby shows up.  Turns out she’s not conflicted, she was just getting some water and spied the gals walkin’ down the road.  Lynette says that they can’t sleep because they’re thinking of Bree and her trial, but Gabby ain’t worried about that, because it doesn’t involve clothes or arguing with Carlos.  Susan and Lynette want to tell the judge the truth, but Gabby says that things will work out.  Lynette asks her if she even cares that Bree could go to jail and Gabby’s like, Why are you guys mad at me?  My question is, Why they hell shouldn’t they be mad at you and why did it take so long for them to get so mad?