Desperate Housewives Recap: Trial By Liar

Trip goes over to Bree’s house with donuts and a DVD of Casablanca.  He theorizes that you practice for something, but the night before the big event, you just forget about it and distract yourself with something else.

Like shots of Patron and cocaine.

Time for the trial!  Nothing says “Go to the kitchen and make yourself a grilled cheese, because these next 10 minutes are going to be incredibly boring” like a courtroom scene.  The prosecution starts off with, “How well do we know our neighbors?”  Is the prosecutor possessed by the ghost of Mary Alice Young?  Back and forth between Trip and the prosecutor about how Bree is nice/Bree’s a whore/Bree’s a good neighbor/Bree’s a drunk/Bree’s a good person/Bree bludgeoned a Hispanic dude to death.  The jurors are hella concentrating on the case.

Oh my god!  Chili would be good for dinner tonight.

Susan goes to see Porter at Clown Burger, telling him through the clown face at the drive-thru that he needs to man up and spend time with Julie.  Porter’s like, Bitch, I’m working 3 jobs to earn money for the baby and junk!  She pulls around and he tells her that he gave up college and he’ll have to work all the time to afford the baby and Julie’s given up a lot to include Porter in the baby’s life, but maybe that was a mistake on her part.

Two bitches at the supermarket are reading The Fairview Inquirer, because Fairview is SUCH a big and important town that it requires it’s own tabloid.  They’re calling Bree a drunk, shifty-eyed whore and Gabby, who is line in front of them, tells them that Bree is a good, decent person and a good mom (well, that one may be a bit of a stretch) but those nasty hos say that Bree is guilty.  Guilty!

Susan is trying to help Julie relax and prepare for a peaceful birth, asking her to picture college in her mind and finishing her dissertation and graduating.  Julie’s all, Shut up about that shit, mom, because it’s not gonna happen.  But Susan says it will — she’s gonna pack up her shit, sell her house, and move herself and M.J. to Julie’s college town so Julie can finish school.  Way to show Julie some responsibility by raising her daughter for her.  Susan says there are too many memories in the house and she’s sure she wants to go ahead with the plan.

Tom thanks Gregg for letting him stay in the U.S. and Gregg’s like, Thank your ex-wife and man what a super-bitch she is, because she broke up with me.  So of course, Tom punches Gregg in the face, and of course, Gregg fires Tom, and of course, this isn’t really interesting because this episode is incredibly boring.

More trial.  Trip interrogates Susan, Gabby, and Lynette and asks about the night of the progressive dinner.  They say that Susan, Lynette, and Bree helped Gabby clean up after the party until around 2am which means that there’s no way she could have killed Alejandro at midnight.  Or something.  

Tom is telling Jane that he got fired and Jane’s like, Why did you hit him?  Jane asks him if it was because Gregg was dating Lynette and Tom’s like, Uhhhhhhh . . . Jane asks Tom if he still loves Lynette and Tom says that he does.  He adds that he still cares about Jane, but she’s had enough and says that she loved him before she walks out.

“I.  Am so.  Mad at you.  But I’m also incredibly horny.  So let’s go to the cabin and have some hot break-up sex.”

Buh-bye, horny Jane!  Bree’s on the witness stand, being questioned by Trip.  Bree says she took the stand to admit her transgressions, but killing Ramon/Alejandro isn’t one of them.  Then the prosecution admits some surprise evidence regarding Bree’s conscience.  The judge allows it (seriously?  Can that happen?) and it turns out that it’s Bree’s suicide note, which I guess she left at the motel, which is, to be fair, pretty damn stupid.  The prosecutor says that Bree’s dated suicide note is from the day that Chuck Vance was murdered and then the prosecutor asks Bree to read the letter aloud.  It includes the line, “I can’t live with this secret any longer; I can’t go on.”  Oooh, that prosecutor is a g.d. bitch.