Dexter Recap: 99 Problems and They’re All Writers

So I’m looking outside and seeing these large whitesh-gray shapes keeping me from looking at the sun.  Google tells me these are clouds and I think I remember of these fateful things back in 2011, a troubled time on the east coast.  Lucky for you guys that means I have all the time to write this recap.  So let’s see what the writers skimmed over this week.

Deb, he told you he was a serial killer not that you’re fat.

Deb walks out of Dexter’s apartment and when Dexter starts to follow her she books it.  Umm, Dexter, you were standing between her and the door.  Did you decide it was finally time to pay attention to your son?  There will be plenty of time for that lat–oh no there won’t be, nevermind.

Deb decides to take a break from running to expel of some fluids allowing Dexter to catch up to her.

I will never be OK with this…maybe tomorrow.

Dexter tells Deb that he has a code, one that Harry gave him, which is sure to ease those daddy issues.

I just wanted a hug.

Dexter starts to explain his dark passenger to Deb and she just seems disgusted.

Your Dark Passenger?  That’s what I used to call Anton.

Deb lectures him about how he’s in the wrong and she’s now stuck in the middle. We all know she’s not going to arrest him so instead she just leaves with a good old Falcon Punch.

Dexter, Do a Barrel Roll!  (Type do a barrel roll into google, I’ll wait)

Unfortunately for Dexter, Deb isn’t his only problem.

Great, this fucking guy.

Dexter goes looking in evidence to see if it’s the real hand when Masuka walks in.  Masuka spills his guts which makes Dexter suspect Lindsay.  Masuka, ever the realist offers to “Suckie, suckie, no talkie” but Dexter assures him that won’t be necessary.

They all get called to a briefing.  First up is Mike’s case.  Angel points out that they are still hitting up the clubs.  Someone must have seen something.  Yeah, the naked strippers on the stage not the ones leaving the building.

My tits are up here, buddy.

Next up, Wayne Randall.  He’s grown a conscious and is apparently willing to uncover some old dead bodies.  Dexter volunteers to go but Deb shuts that down.  Instead, she’s starting up the Debbie Morgan Center with the first inpatient being Dexter.  Dexter tells Deb there are some problems with this.  ”I’ve tried stopping before”.  Yeah, I don’t think that even cracks the top ten, Dexter.

Deb swears that she will be there for him, on top of him 24/7, and if he tries anything he’s fucked.

Why would Deb do this for Dexter?  She still believes that there is good in him.

Until his spirit breaks completely.

We cut to LaGuerta getting an update on the blood sides.  The woman on the phone points out that Miami Metro has state of the art facilities, why go through a private lab?  Because Tim Taylor fucks up less at work everyday.

I don’t think so, Masuka.

Angel and Quinn are back at the Foxxhole.  Not sure if there is supposed to be one, two or three x’s in that so I’m just going to assume it’s owned by Jamie Foxx and move on.

Mr. Manager is all upset.  This is harassment! Angel says they are just working their way up to harassment.

In that case, it’s champagne room prices if you want her ass.

NO TOUCHING!

Quinn encounters Nadia, a stripper, and he has a soft sp–oh wait now it’s a hard spot for her.  He woos her and gets a name for Angel and Quinn to hunt down.

Dexter arrives for rehab at Deb’s and I’m sure Harrison is coming along, wait what?! Dexter, where the fuck is your kid? The one you seem so concerned about growing up normal? What did you tell Jaime?  This girl isn’t the brightest and she’s kind of a pushover but she has full custody of YOUR SON, basically. She didn’t pop him out. Why is she still at this job?

Come On!

Dexter gets Deb’s bed as Deb explains how they will do everything together.  Dexter jokes that she better have a big shower.  Dexter, make that joke a week ago and you’d be Jaime Lannister and this show would be going in a completely different direction.  Not necessarily a good one either.

It’s not incest, it’s HBO.

Deb lays down some ground rules for Dexter.  First rule, don’t talk about Serial Killer Rehab.  Second rule, DO NOT talk about Serial Killer Rehab.  Then there’s honesty, calling before a relapse, and some sharing.

Angel and Quinn get Viktor’s name from Kaja’s boyfriend.  They should have no trouble finding him now.

Dexter finds a way to convince Deb to let him go out in the field.  Deb knows he will be surrounded by federal marshals so she let’s him.  Because that worked out so well at the airport last episode.

Dexter gets an hour break at Wayne Randall’s site so he takes the opportunity to go to Lindsay’s.  I’m sticking with this one.  I don’t even have the energy to come up with wrong names anymore.  Not worth it.

Anyway for a guy who is probably super paranoid and techie, you would think he would come up with a better name for his “Rant” folder than Rants.  If he looks at child porn it would be easy to bring him down.  He probably uses his real name on chat sites.

I’ll just click on the one that says “Dexter Sucks”

Apparently, this guy is an even bigger idiot because he talks about fucking with a Robert Henley and how he is going to bring down Dexter on his videos that he probably uploads to Youtube.  You don’t even have a password on your computer. What kind of computer hacker/programmer are you?

Louie comes home and Dexter takes the opportunity to scare the shit out of him.  Of course, he admits that he was only upset because Dexter didn’t like his game. Dexter tells him to stay the fuck away.  I have a feeling I’m not going to be so lucky.

Louie, Louie you better die.

 Back at the crime scene, Deb gets mad at Dexter, Wayne gets an ice cream and I fall asleep.

Isaac has shown up at Jamie’s Foxxhole looking for Viktor.  We may be approaching terrible storyline territory with this.  Hopefully, Ray Stevenson makes this interesting soon.

Dexter gets to visit Harrison, while Harrison asks a very important question.

Who are you?

Louie is at the apartment because I must have molested children in a previous life.  Dexter has the same look that I have when I watch the mentally disabled kid try and bag my groceries at the super market.

Yup, that’s gonna break before I get to my car.

Quinn has opened up a taxi service for strippers as he gives Nadia a ride.  He’s hoping to get information but instead just gets a bill for her broken down car since he’s costing her in tips.  The old Joey, would’ve at least fucked her.  At least that’s what the previouslies every week tell me because I sure as shit didn’t remember that.

Back at Deb’s they’re eating some steak prepared by the hostess with the mostest family problems.  Dexter needs some time alone so he decides to put some “Floories” in her steak.

Dexter kidnaps Louie and brings him  for a ride.  Dexter is feeling guilty however, so he calls Deb.  How can a show focusing around a serial killer have this little action?

After Deb and Dex have a nice convo, Dexter leaves Louie on a park bench for a little Aqualung action.

Kaja’s boyfriend, the snitch, gets a visit from Isaac to tie up some loose ends. And thank God.

And Best Use of A Garage Tool goes to…

We make one last stop with Wayne Randall.  While Dex and Deb seem to be doing better, Wayne reveals that he doesn’t really have a conscious and he jumps in front of a moving truck.  Steep price to pay for a frosty swirl.

You just dropped two lives!

So what did you guys think?  Were you as bored as I was?  Do you have a better use for a screwdriver?  What would you do for a Frosty Swirl? Let me know in the comments below.

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