Dexter Recap: Someone Needs a Puppy

Hey Gasmi! Dexter’s back for the season seven premiere and I’ll be doing the recaps this season.  Sorry this took so long to get out, it’s been a hectic week.  I’ll try to get these out faster in the future before I have to put everything I own in a box to the left. You’ve all been waiting so let’s get to it.

We start off with Dexter driving frantically on the highway on his way to Miami International Airport, suggesting he’s on the run.  You would think the first place someone would look for a missing person is a place with the initials M.I.A.  Only problem is he’s low on gas so he needs to make a stop.  First dead giveaway Deb hasn’t done him dirty (ewww), Dexter immediately uses a credit card at the gas station.  Sorry writers, he’s a cop and I have no life and seen too many of these shows and movies.  Sticking in a declined ain’t gonna make me fall for that.  He pays cash and goes on his way.

 Dexter inner monologues about his secrets; he dies his hair, he masturbates, he murders people for fun.  Yeah, that second one isn’t a secret Dexter.  We all do.  That doesn’t mean you should go share that with your sister too, though.

Fox News is OK however.

We go back to Deb walking in on Dexter mastur– I mean, killing Travis and she starts to panic.  Dexter quickly weaves a tale to tell her.

I never got my money or those 82 minutes back after seeing Orange County

Deb wants to call the cops.  Dexter is afraid that best case he gets sent to a psych ward and loses his job, his career, and probably even Harrison. 

Bring him with.  Kids love mental institutions.  They are like unbouncy castles.

We flash back to Deb and Dex as kids and Deb has a dog, Banjo. The dog has to go before Dexter gets that twitch in his eye.

He’ll move on, Deb won’t.

Back at Our Lady of Tableau, Dexter’s doing a little clean up before Deb gets back with the gasoline to burn this mother down.  He’s no Mary Poppins because…

Man, now the collection is ruined.

After fleeing the scene, they return with the rest of Miami Metro to analyze the crime scene.  They determine that the fire originated at the middle of the church, Travis doused himself in gasoline and stabbed himself with a sword on the altar.  Who is this guy Freddy Krueger?

Definitely a suicide

Dexter needs a distraction to grab one last piece of plastic so Deb has a blond moment and asks Masuka if someone can kill themselves with a sword.

Not unless the blade is as blunt as the diversion you just pulled.

There’s still a lot of work to be done so of course everyone leaves the church except LaGuerta who in her position shouldn’t even be showing up at the crime scene.  This bitch must have an eagle as her spirit guide because she spots the broken blood slide through debris and under a grate in a church that’s so dark that I need to turn the brightness up to the max to make these shapes clear.  Then again, that could be the alcohol doing that to my vision.

Can I get a Jameson?

Dexter comes home to find…fuck it I don’t know this guys name and the writers don’t feel the need to remind me.  He doesn’t interest me enough yet to look it up, I just know it’s something with an L.

Stop playing hide and go seek with old evidence and do something already, Larry.

Leif says he just wanted to check the sports scores on Dex’s computer.  Dexter didn’t deny Leo a puppy when he was a child so he goes all angry birds on his ass.

Watch Sportscenter 3 times because you missed the one highlight the first two times like the rest of us.

Jaime walks in to inform me that this guy’s name is Louis.  Nope, I don’t like it.  I’ll keep trying others until I find something suitable.

You’re Indians.

Lincoln was apparently on the wrong side of the apartment.  Basically, Dexter’s house is like that one episode in 90′s sitcoms where two of the kids argue and draw a line down the middle of the room and one can’t leave because the door isn’t on their side of the room.  Now, Jaime’s babysitting hours make sense.

Dexter needs to calm down so he goes for his security blanket aka his blood slides.  The way he runs his fingers over them it starts to make me wonder more about his “secrets” he talked about earlier.

They’re all sticky

When Dexter’s hand reaches the end he realizes he doesn’t have Travis’ slide and shits his pants.

This must be how Harrison feels.

Ludwig is at home with Jaime and starts whining like a bitch that Dexter doesn’t let him play with all of his cool toys and he doesn’t like my video game.  Dude, stop being so butthurt and fuck your girlfriend.

Nah, I’m on my period.

Jaime asks him if he wants any cheese with that whine.  ”Dexter’s good to me.”

There’s not many jobs that let you off as early as 2 or 3 am.

Like a mature adult, Lyonel cancels all of Dexter’s credit cards.  Now, he’ll never be able to buy your game, even if he wants to.

Mike is driving when he sees a car pulled over to the side of the road.  He decides to stop and offer some help.  Naturally, the guy doesn’t want any so Mike says, “Don’t worry, I’m a cop.” and pops open the trunk.  Pretty sure that’s the exact opposite of what you can do.  And what do you know, behind trunk number 1… it’s a dead hooker.

This guy has two options.  Pretend he bought the car from Phillips Motors…

I’ve never seen so many dead hookers in all my life.

Or shoot Mike.  Which he does.  Now come on, Showtime.  I know CBS is your parent company but black people get longer stays in the Big Brother house.

Well, not always.

Deb comes over to Dexter’s and is suspicious of what happened the other night.  She starts asking a lot of questions and Dexter wishes she would move on.  Where’s a puppy when you need one?

Speaking of, we flashback to the day Banjo was called onto his big adventure and Little Debbie is distraught.  Let’s just say…

Thank God she grew into that face.

Dexter grabs his getaway bag and brings it with as they are called to Mike’s crime scene.  They start to analyze the scene and Dexter pulls out his most useful tool, his iPhone.

For the crime scene on the go.

Also since Dexter is the only competent one at the crime scene, he finds the killer’s print and keeps it to himself.  Wouldn’t want anyone walking in on this murder.

Deb starts to have flashbacks from when she was on the table when being caught by the Ice Truck Killer.  She looks into the files and is noticing similarities between Travis’ death and her near death experience.  I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t want to sleep with her brother anymore.

 Since the dead girl is a stripper, Angel and Quinn are divvying up strip clubs for all the detectives to go to. They’re all guys, soooo no one is going to get any work done today.

Meanwhile, Deb confronts Dexter about the similarities between the two crime scenes.  Dexter deflects by asking her what she was doing at the church.

Don’t say coming to fuck you, don’t say coming to fuck you…

Dexter finds a match for the fingerprint, Viktor Baskov, and is off to relieve some stress.  He finds out Viktor is off to Kiev and heads to MIA. While going through security, they find his syringes but he just says they’re for diabetes.  Lucky for Dexter, he’s white and not over the age of 80 and doesn’t have to present a prescription.  Good to know they’re on the honor system at MIA airport security.

Angel and Quinn arrive at the strip club.  Never have two men looked so angry walking into a strip club.  It’s usually when they’re being thrown out.

Definitely cover up, honey.  They may see your surgery scars with the lights on.

 Quinn knows the manager (of course), but he’s no help.

Back at the airport, Dexter injects Viktor with some Sleeping Draught and takes him out on a wheelchair, as if men in their 30′s are often unconscious in wheelchairs and travelling.

If I duck down, no one can see me…except that camera…and that one.

Dexter decides to kill Viktor in the Baggage Holding area, and based on the Lost Baggage line, he should have a couple hours before someone shows up.

Only problem is someone is waiting for Viktor in Kiev as we find out from our good old friend, Mr. Manager at the strip club.

Well, Manager.  We just say Manager.

Deb is getting freaked out again so she calls Dexter but gets Jaime.  She tells her that Dexter is working late but Deb knows only Masuka is there.  This fits in to a flashback where Little Debbie is given a stuffed dog to replace Banjo and Dexter almost tells her the truth.  His dad, ever the responsible father, cuts him off.  Dexter may need to look into a blow up doll for her.

LaGuerta finds Masuka at the office.  She asks him some questions to distract him while she steals the blood slide from the evidence box.  That’s twice, Masuka.  Soon they’ll just throw a ball for you to chase.  No wonder, LaGuerta is going to take this herself.

Dexter finally comes home from the kill to find Deb in his apartment.  Only the apartment is torn apart and the floor is covered with evidence, the blood slides and the Ice Truck Killer hand left by Lyle.  And now she knows and he doesn’t deny it.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

What do you guys think of the episode?  What will Deb do?  Will LaGuerta make any headway with the blood slide?  When will Luke be a factor?  Will Jaime ever have a normal work schedule?  Will Harrison ever act like a normal child?  Throw your thoughts down in the comments below.  Also, tune in tomorrow and/or wait for my recap (hopefully not as long a wait as this time).  Be back soon.

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