Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding Recap: Introducing Mr. Tight Ass and Mrs. Big Ass

Recaps

By BelowSeaLevel | Sunday, June 17, 2012 | 1:58 am | 10 Comments
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Posted in: Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding, Recaps

The happiest, joyous-est, gotta have a double-wide to fit it all day has arrived–the finale of Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding!  The clock hasn’t been ticking away fast enough, but now it’s down to the wire with only an hour and a half until the ceremony begins.  While Kim is holed up in her suite with her entourage, the luxury porta-potty trailers are being delivered–double-stalled for sure, bay-bay.  You couldn’t possibly have thought this wedding would go down without trailers, did you?

You knew this was inevitable; right?

 

K.J. hasn’t slept all day, so Kim asks Pencha to put him in one of the girls’ bedrooms to squeeze a nap in before Kim walks down the aisle.  Squishy’s a pro, so Kim has nothing to worry about.  In a perfect world, K.J. would be calling the shots instead of Kim and Colin Cowie.  The menu would be string cheese and Cheerios instead of steak, but think of the savings to buy more useful things like Escalade bouncy swings and rounds of Go-Gurt for the girls at nursery school.  Once “Itsy Bitsy Spider” starts playing, who wouldn’t want to watch Karen climbing up the waterspout, though the eating of the young part that followed would be way over the top.   Too much about SpiderKaren; on to the groom.

He’s sexy and he knows it.

 

Football practice has concluded, so Kroy’s back at home chilling over a beer with Coy, the officiant.  Drink up, it’ll help take the edge off of spending seven figures.  Due to intense “Secret Service-y” security, the groomsmen are running a little late.  You know security is going to be tight when you have a pissed off landlord and the wedding of the century.  They might want to keep one or two guards around when the landlord eventually sees what’s happened to his pool and landscaping.  He’s probably circling the block after he saw trailers parked at his home, saying to himself that he thought they were trailer trash, but damn…

The ladies are getting ready for the big event, too.  Karen stumbles upon Sheree with two people working on her and says she’s jealous.  Truer words were never spoken.  Karen says it’s a special day and it’s going to be full of surprises.  The only true surprise at this wedding will be if Karen doesn’t eff it up.  Who says that at their daughter’s wedding?  I’ve never expected surprises at a wedding unless there’s a knocked-up ex-girlfriend on the front row and bedazzled brass knuckles in the bride’s bouquet. 

My name’s Trouble and I have arrived!

 

As the men of the bridal party are hanging out, Coy lobs a hand grenade, asking Kroy’s dad if Kim is the type of girl he expected Kroy to marry.  Before he can respond, Kim’s dad falls on the grenade, blurting out that he expected Kim to be with a tall, dark-haired man like…him.  First, no one asked him.  Second, no one wants to hear that sort of shit.  He takes it a little farther into the yuck zone by saying they don’t call him the Italian Stallion for nothing.  Ewww…ewwww…and more ewwww.

They don’t call me The Italian Stallion at all.  I thought they said Italian Stalllion, but it was Italian Scallion!

 

Karen continues her Annoy-the-Shit-Out-of-People Tour, stopping anyone and everyone asking about her shoes.  Since the pair chosen for her by Shun and paid for by Kim wasn’t the right size–and a Brown Recluse needs 8 anyway–she’s sending the bride and stylist to Kim’s closet.  

The fumes are getting strong; someone better put some shoes on me, NOW!

 

Kim’s biggest fear was helicopters since those can be loud enough to ruin a ceremony, but she’s singing a different tune when it makes her feel like a celebrity.  Too bad Nene and Big Poppa didn’t parachute into the ceremony holding hands.  He could have tucked a Versace vegetable bowl into his backpack to match the place settings still sitting unused on her table. 

Is that Nene in the hater-copter?

 

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Living in New Orleans, it helps to be a good swimmer.  

 

 

 

10 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:29 am

    BSL, it has been a fun ride on the wrecked train with you! Hope you will be snarking on something else very soon to ruin your life for our pleasure.

    Don’t think we will be missing this disaster, but if they decide to show the happy family post-wedding pre-divorce. You’ll be there to recap it for us.

  2. 2
    Nikki
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Thanks, BSL! You’ve saved me countless hours of really bad t.v. and made me laugh to boot! I only watched two episodes (the ‘real hair’ reveal and this last episode) and I feel like I watched too much! Hope that there’s not a spin-off…

  3. 3
    ihatecindy
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Really enjoyed and appreciated your recap! Mother’s of the Bride & Groom should expect some degree of special treatment because they are ‘Honored-Guests.’ To deny them access to one’s home and facilities is unconscionable. I found it to be totally out of character when Kroy stated that he had denied his parents as well? And, let’s face it….Bravo footed the bill for the entire extravaganza….and will handle any ensuing legal difficulties. I am hopeful that Karen receives treatment for her anorexia and other psychiatric problems….Bravo helped create the monster and should pony-up!

  4. 4
    RomoSheDiNT
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 7:27 am

    The only thing that makes sense to me about Karen acting out like that is Cohen paid her off. Seriously, there’s no way that bitch would do that in real life! I think Andy is pissed that Kim isn’t the chain smokin, wine drinking all day, hook up with Nene and tear up the town badass she used to be. So he paid Karen to be a jealous, unmanageable bitch at this wedding just to piss Kim off. Lol! I bet it’s true. ;-)

  5. 5
    whoochile
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    I have only caught snippets of this epi, but did anyone else get totally grossed out by the italian scallion enjoying the kiss when he gave away the bride. He is a nasty mofo. I his neck freaks me out!!! I can’t imagine the neck pain he must have.

  6. 6
    whoochile
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    currently watching this disaster and the italian scallion is creeping me out when he was dancing with Kim, gross, it’s like he’s in a little zone while smelling her, yucky.

    I half liked the idea of the rings for the girls but thought it was very weird for them to put the rings on the right hand. Think it should have been on the right hand.

    WTF kinda robot dance moves was nutso patti sanger attempting??

    I agree that as crazy as spider karen is, certain guests should be able to use indoor facilities. Karen was a total bitch about it, but wowza on both accounts. I was at a very, very fancy wedding this weekend and they had those high-end porta potties, sure, indoors is better , no matter how much granite and flushers, its still a porta potty. That being said, i would never have asked my friend to use her indoor potty. She on the other hand would never have expected certain people to use the port potties either.

  7. 7
    mirabelle gingerbread
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:36 am

    I lost my shit at “Atsa spicy meatball!”, too funny, bsl! thanks for recapping this show, I enjoyed every one! :)

    Karen is bizarre & drug-addled. I thought it was kind of extreme that Kim kicked her out, but now that I’m considering it, I bet Karen was doing drugs in the bathroom with her aunt (their conversation was creepy) or just that Kim suspected her of it. with KJ in the room I understand where she’s coming from, I’m a mom too & it’s awful that their security was breached by ANYONE, her relatives or not. Kim is a celebrity, whether we like it or not, and I’m sure that there are many people that would like to kidnap/hurt KJ simply because Kim is rich & famous. she had no guarantee that her mom wouldn’t try to get into the bathroom with someone else, someone less trusted, especially if there are hardcore drugs involved. this speculation is also based on Kathy Griffen’s comment that Karen has “meth arms” – right after the episode, no less.

    well! that’s my 2 cents on it anyway. I’m happy that Kim found her prince charming. it’s disappointing that these crazy-ass ladies can find good men & I’m still single. like, Snooki’s pregnant & engaged? money might not buy you love, but some of these girls sure are trying to prove otherwise. I do think that Kroy genuinely loves Kim though & vice versa & that’s what makes it tolerable for me. her girls are so adorable, I missed the part with the rings but they were so cute when they made their speech at the reception.

  8. 8
    2muchbravo
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks for the great recaps. I missed this epi and will have to catch it on the one of the 100 times they’ll rerun it. Karen is scary unattractive. Like I said, I haven’t seen it so I can’t really say. But, my mom acted up at my sister’s wedding because she wasn’t as involved as the mother-of-the-bride should be. So, she was in a snit the whole weekend. It was tremendous fun. I remember crying in my brother’s arms it was so stressful. Something, that has never happened before or since. Anywho, I don’t think she’d try to wreck the ceremony though.
    I really don’t see there being a 2nd season and I’m OK with that.

  9. 9
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I watched my DVR of this right before I went to bed the other night. Big mistake. I had nightmares with cameo appearances by both of Kim’s parents. Damn, they’re creepy people! Scarecrowciak Mom always has this maniacal grin on her hideous face and the father is just plain repugnant. Italian Stallion. What kind of an Italian name is Zolciak anyway?

    I can see why Kim & Kroy wanted everybody to use the porta-potties, even barring close relatives. There were lots of people milling around, some of whom might have gone in the home upon seeing Spider Mom or others entering. Then, soon everyone might go in there, possibly dirtying up something, soiling one of those lovely photographs of Kim in the nude, whatever. It might have turned into a mess had they not been strict about the house. They paid a fortune for the highest-end (for everyone’s ends) portable facilities, so why the hell couldn’t the old bags just comply with Kim & Kroy’s wishes? (Yes, unless it was a setup for some drama. I don’t trust any of these “reality shows” anymore.)

    One final observation: Coy, the NFL minister, looks like some master race of space alien. He’s very handsome, yet extremely creepy. Creepy seems to be the operative word when it comes to Kim’s connections.

    Oh, and I had a huge laugh at Nene and Big Poppa parachuting down into the ceremony. Damn, if only that had happened! Hilarious, BelowSeaLevel! And yes, I too wanted to see Chanel at the wedding! Where was she? Using the porta-potty?

  10. 10
    toomuchtv
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Kim was really disrespectful to her mother throughout this series. I used to be amused by Kim but now I am just disgusted by her entitlement behavior and conceitedness. There is something wrong with her Mom, (anorexia, drug/alcohol abuse, sickness?) and she deserves more understanding and patience than Kim was ever willing to give her. Kim and her Dad seem closer than either seems to her Mom which probably makes Karen feel even worse. I am glad she caused a stink about the bathrooms. In a house that size which I am sure has bathrooms on the first floor, Kim couldnt have an attendant keep watch so people could use an indoor bathroom? K.J. couldnt sleep on the opposite side of the house? What about all the noise from the wedding in general to disturb him. The situation makes no sense. I think it was staged to add some excitement to this sorry show. Poor Karen to have a husband and daughter like those two.

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