The happiest, joyous-est, gotta have a double-wide to fit it all day has arrived–the finale of Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding! The clock hasn’t been ticking away fast enough, but now it’s down to the wire with only an hour and a half until the ceremony begins. While Kim is holed up in her suite with her entourage, the luxury porta-potty trailers are being delivered–double-stalled for sure, bay-bay. You couldn’t possibly have thought this wedding would go down without trailers, did you?
You knew this was inevitable; right?
K.J. hasn’t slept all day, so Kim asks Pencha to put him in one of the girls’ bedrooms to squeeze a nap in before Kim walks down the aisle. Squishy’s a pro, so Kim has nothing to worry about. In a perfect world, K.J. would be calling the shots instead of Kim and Colin Cowie. The menu would be string cheese and Cheerios instead of steak, but think of the savings to buy more useful things like Escalade bouncy swings and rounds of Go-Gurt for the girls at nursery school. Once “Itsy Bitsy Spider” starts playing, who wouldn’t want to watch Karen climbing up the waterspout, though the eating of the young part that followed would be way over the top. Too much about SpiderKaren; on to the groom.
He’s sexy and he knows it.
Football practice has concluded, so Kroy’s back at home chilling over a beer with Coy, the officiant. Drink up, it’ll help take the edge off of spending seven figures. Due to intense “Secret Service-y” security, the groomsmen are running a little late. You know security is going to be tight when you have a pissed off landlord and the wedding of the century. They might want to keep one or two guards around when the landlord eventually sees what’s happened to his pool and landscaping. He’s probably circling the block after he saw trailers parked at his home, saying to himself that he thought they were trailer trash, but damn…
The ladies are getting ready for the big event, too. Karen stumbles upon Sheree with two people working on her and says she’s jealous. Truer words were never spoken. Karen says it’s a special day and it’s going to be full of surprises. The only true surprise at this wedding will be if Karen doesn’t eff it up. Who says that at their daughter’s wedding? I’ve never expected surprises at a wedding unless there’s a knocked-up ex-girlfriend on the front row and bedazzled brass knuckles in the bride’s bouquet.
My name’s Trouble and I have arrived!
As the men of the bridal party are hanging out, Coy lobs a hand grenade, asking Kroy’s dad if Kim is the type of girl he expected Kroy to marry. Before he can respond, Kim’s dad falls on the grenade, blurting out that he expected Kim to be with a tall, dark-haired man like…him. First, no one asked him. Second, no one wants to hear that sort of shit. He takes it a little farther into the yuck zone by saying they don’t call him the Italian Stallion for nothing. Ewww…ewwww…and more ewwww.
They don’t call me The Italian Stallion at all. I thought they said Italian Stalllion, but it was Italian Scallion!
Karen continues her Annoy-the-Shit-Out-of-People Tour, stopping anyone and everyone asking about her shoes. Since the pair chosen for her by Shun and paid for by Kim wasn’t the right size–and a Brown Recluse needs 8 anyway–she’s sending the bride and stylist to Kim’s closet.
The fumes are getting strong; someone better put some shoes on me, NOW!
Kim’s biggest fear was helicopters since those can be loud enough to ruin a ceremony, but she’s singing a different tune when it makes her feel like a celebrity. Too bad Nene and Big Poppa didn’t parachute into the ceremony holding hands. He could have tucked a Versace vegetable bowl into his backpack to match the place settings still sitting unused on her table.
Is that Nene in the hater-copter?