Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding Recap: Introducing Mr. Tight Ass and Mrs. Big Ass

Recaps

By BelowSeaLevel | Sunday, June 17, 2012 | 1:58 am | 10 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding, Recaps

Someone better call animal control.  It’s a giant, rabid Pekingese or Kim’s brushing her teeth in her veil.  She’ll be minty fresh and no one will think anything of the white toothpaste blotches all over her boobs.  Meanwhile, Kroy’s getting ready to head outside to wait for his foaming at the mouth bride.  Kim’s dad can’t stop spewing his guts to everyone.  To shut him up, someone says that Kim doesn’t want to cry, but undeterred, he says that he wants her to cry.  Where are those animal control people with a muzzle when you need one?

This calls for a caption contest.

 

The moment that Kim and Kroy have waited their entire lives for has finally arrived.  Coy opens the ceremony by talking about the importance of the date, 11-11-11, and all sorts of blabbering about the number one.  It’s all rather boring except for Kroy wearing tight booty pants and ballet slippers when they met.  This wedding was brought to you by ass and the Number One.

Mr. Tight Ass and Mrs. Big Ass

 

Kim and Kroy recited the vows that they wrote for each other and exchanged rings.  Kroy also brought up Kim’s daughters to present them with rings to signify his commitment to them as his own.  Though different, at least this part of the wedding is genuine and shows Kroy for the prize that he is.  The wedding party moves inside to take lots of pictures while the guests start the party.  The basketball court has been transformed into a winter wonderland, just as Kim envisioned for her wedding.  None of this is what the landlord envisioned–bye-bye security deposit, hello damage suit with this episode as Exhibit 1.  After the newlyweds take their first dance, they go back inside to change into their next outfits and dinner is served.  Cue the steak knives, Alexis.  Thank goodness dress number two covers those puppies a little better than the first one.

Use the bathroom now because once outside, you’re not getting back in.

 

Kim knows her man because he LOVED his wedding present of her gargantuan melons painted like his jersey.  Should they ever suffer short-term memory loss, at least their time at home will be easy since they can’t walk two feet without seeing a picture of themselves–topless. 

This one’s going to require extra support, ’cause it won’t be long before there’s some serious sagging.

 

Before the party kicks into high gear, Brielle gives a lovely speech about how happy Kroy has made Kim and made their family complete.  There are some familiar faces in the crowd, including Perez Hilton, Patti Stanger, and Colin Cowie.  Something about the dancing must be jiggling the bladders because people start creeping towards the Biermann home trying to sneak in to use the bathroom like a bunch of incontinent zombies.

Damn!  I went to bust a move and split my pants.

 

The message is the same to everyone:  You’re stupid to think you were invited for anything but your gift and you’re not welcome in the house.  Everyone is regretting not wearing Depends and shocked to find out that the trailer parked out front wasn’t Kim’s real home.  Everyone turns around and heads to the trailers–except for Kim’s aunt and mom.  Her aunt and mom are two peas or pee-ers in a bitchy pod and are all riled up to storm the place.  Kim’s dad continues dancing like a fool, mistaking his wife’s attitude for jealousy of his awkward dancing with a couple of ladies–one of whom is Patti Stanger.  Let’s just say he makes Dancing Elmo look like Deney Terrio.  

Who wants a piece of the Italian Scallion?  Atsa spicy meatball!  Yeahhhh!

 

Karen and her sister are going in and don’t care who or what is in their way.  Karen says that if she has to bring down the house, it’s gonna happen.  When Kroy steps in and says that his parents aren’t using the house, either, she says “F**k you” to Kroy.  Classy just doesn’t capture it.  They go into a dark room and lock the door, which we are led to believe is the room in which K.J. is sleeping.  Kroy overhears Karen and her sister trashing them in their own home.  Needless to say, with the drama caused by Skunk Mom and her sidekick, K.J. wakes up and begins crying.  

I’m keeping the shoes.  Spiders love shoes.

 

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Living in New Orleans, it helps to be a good swimmer.  

 

 

 

10 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:29 am

    BSL, it has been a fun ride on the wrecked train with you! Hope you will be snarking on something else very soon to ruin your life for our pleasure.

    Don’t think we will be missing this disaster, but if they decide to show the happy family post-wedding pre-divorce. You’ll be there to recap it for us.

  2. 2
    Nikki
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Thanks, BSL! You’ve saved me countless hours of really bad t.v. and made me laugh to boot! I only watched two episodes (the ‘real hair’ reveal and this last episode) and I feel like I watched too much! Hope that there’s not a spin-off…

  3. 3
    ihatecindy
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Really enjoyed and appreciated your recap! Mother’s of the Bride & Groom should expect some degree of special treatment because they are ‘Honored-Guests.’ To deny them access to one’s home and facilities is unconscionable. I found it to be totally out of character when Kroy stated that he had denied his parents as well? And, let’s face it….Bravo footed the bill for the entire extravaganza….and will handle any ensuing legal difficulties. I am hopeful that Karen receives treatment for her anorexia and other psychiatric problems….Bravo helped create the monster and should pony-up!

  4. 4
    RomoSheDiNT
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 7:27 am

    The only thing that makes sense to me about Karen acting out like that is Cohen paid her off. Seriously, there’s no way that bitch would do that in real life! I think Andy is pissed that Kim isn’t the chain smokin, wine drinking all day, hook up with Nene and tear up the town badass she used to be. So he paid Karen to be a jealous, unmanageable bitch at this wedding just to piss Kim off. Lol! I bet it’s true. ;-)

  5. 5
    whoochile
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    I have only caught snippets of this epi, but did anyone else get totally grossed out by the italian scallion enjoying the kiss when he gave away the bride. He is a nasty mofo. I his neck freaks me out!!! I can’t imagine the neck pain he must have.

  6. 6
    whoochile
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    currently watching this disaster and the italian scallion is creeping me out when he was dancing with Kim, gross, it’s like he’s in a little zone while smelling her, yucky.

    I half liked the idea of the rings for the girls but thought it was very weird for them to put the rings on the right hand. Think it should have been on the right hand.

    WTF kinda robot dance moves was nutso patti sanger attempting??

    I agree that as crazy as spider karen is, certain guests should be able to use indoor facilities. Karen was a total bitch about it, but wowza on both accounts. I was at a very, very fancy wedding this weekend and they had those high-end porta potties, sure, indoors is better , no matter how much granite and flushers, its still a porta potty. That being said, i would never have asked my friend to use her indoor potty. She on the other hand would never have expected certain people to use the port potties either.

  7. 7
    mirabelle gingerbread
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:36 am

    I lost my shit at “Atsa spicy meatball!”, too funny, bsl! thanks for recapping this show, I enjoyed every one! :)

    Karen is bizarre & drug-addled. I thought it was kind of extreme that Kim kicked her out, but now that I’m considering it, I bet Karen was doing drugs in the bathroom with her aunt (their conversation was creepy) or just that Kim suspected her of it. with KJ in the room I understand where she’s coming from, I’m a mom too & it’s awful that their security was breached by ANYONE, her relatives or not. Kim is a celebrity, whether we like it or not, and I’m sure that there are many people that would like to kidnap/hurt KJ simply because Kim is rich & famous. she had no guarantee that her mom wouldn’t try to get into the bathroom with someone else, someone less trusted, especially if there are hardcore drugs involved. this speculation is also based on Kathy Griffen’s comment that Karen has “meth arms” – right after the episode, no less.

    well! that’s my 2 cents on it anyway. I’m happy that Kim found her prince charming. it’s disappointing that these crazy-ass ladies can find good men & I’m still single. like, Snooki’s pregnant & engaged? money might not buy you love, but some of these girls sure are trying to prove otherwise. I do think that Kroy genuinely loves Kim though & vice versa & that’s what makes it tolerable for me. her girls are so adorable, I missed the part with the rings but they were so cute when they made their speech at the reception.

  8. 8
    2muchbravo
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks for the great recaps. I missed this epi and will have to catch it on the one of the 100 times they’ll rerun it. Karen is scary unattractive. Like I said, I haven’t seen it so I can’t really say. But, my mom acted up at my sister’s wedding because she wasn’t as involved as the mother-of-the-bride should be. So, she was in a snit the whole weekend. It was tremendous fun. I remember crying in my brother’s arms it was so stressful. Something, that has never happened before or since. Anywho, I don’t think she’d try to wreck the ceremony though.
    I really don’t see there being a 2nd season and I’m OK with that.

  9. 9
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I watched my DVR of this right before I went to bed the other night. Big mistake. I had nightmares with cameo appearances by both of Kim’s parents. Damn, they’re creepy people! Scarecrowciak Mom always has this maniacal grin on her hideous face and the father is just plain repugnant. Italian Stallion. What kind of an Italian name is Zolciak anyway?

    I can see why Kim & Kroy wanted everybody to use the porta-potties, even barring close relatives. There were lots of people milling around, some of whom might have gone in the home upon seeing Spider Mom or others entering. Then, soon everyone might go in there, possibly dirtying up something, soiling one of those lovely photographs of Kim in the nude, whatever. It might have turned into a mess had they not been strict about the house. They paid a fortune for the highest-end (for everyone’s ends) portable facilities, so why the hell couldn’t the old bags just comply with Kim & Kroy’s wishes? (Yes, unless it was a setup for some drama. I don’t trust any of these “reality shows” anymore.)

    One final observation: Coy, the NFL minister, looks like some master race of space alien. He’s very handsome, yet extremely creepy. Creepy seems to be the operative word when it comes to Kim’s connections.

    Oh, and I had a huge laugh at Nene and Big Poppa parachuting down into the ceremony. Damn, if only that had happened! Hilarious, BelowSeaLevel! And yes, I too wanted to see Chanel at the wedding! Where was she? Using the porta-potty?

  10. 10
    toomuchtv
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Kim was really disrespectful to her mother throughout this series. I used to be amused by Kim but now I am just disgusted by her entitlement behavior and conceitedness. There is something wrong with her Mom, (anorexia, drug/alcohol abuse, sickness?) and she deserves more understanding and patience than Kim was ever willing to give her. Kim and her Dad seem closer than either seems to her Mom which probably makes Karen feel even worse. I am glad she caused a stink about the bathrooms. In a house that size which I am sure has bathrooms on the first floor, Kim couldnt have an attendant keep watch so people could use an indoor bathroom? K.J. couldnt sleep on the opposite side of the house? What about all the noise from the wedding in general to disturb him. The situation makes no sense. I think it was staged to add some excitement to this sorry show. Poor Karen to have a husband and daughter like those two.

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