Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding Recap: Return of the Trailer–Double Wide

You can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can’t take the trailer out of her wedding.  With only two weeks until the wedding, there’s still tons of stuff to tackle.

Knowing  how to hook an audience, yet another episode opens with K.J.–the cutest baby on television.  Kim and K.J. are in the middle of their daily confab.  I’m mentally blocking out whatever Kim is blabbing on about because K.J. is just so darn adorbs.

In the past, Kim has taken the opportunity to make some demands of her little baby during their morning chats, such as putting in a good word about his mommy with the Biermanns.  However, the tides are slowly turning as Kim reveals some weakness, telling Squishy how nervous she is.  One day soon, Grasshopper will be able to snatch the pebble from her hand.

I’m sure Lord Voldemort’s in this wig!

Kim meets up with her Uncle John for lunch to bring him up to speed.  Despite looking like siblings and very close in age, John is actually Karen’s brother.  Kim shows John her engagement ring and he is blown away by the size of the rock on Kim’s finger.  John tells her that Kroy has “done good.”  I’ll go out on a limb and say that I think plenty of people are thinking that Kim is actually the one that’s “done really, really good” with the pending nuptials.

Gurrl, you he done real good!

Kim simply CANNOT stop herself from bringing up the I’ll-be-sick-on-the-most-important-day-in-the-world text that she received from her mother.  Kim stops at one point to ask her uncle for some advice.  Since John grew up with Karen, he describes what Karen was like as a young woman, and frankly, she sounds a lot like Kim–effing annoying.  John says that Kim and Karen are like two peas in a pod–a really trashy, bitchy pod.

As Kim is openly trashing her mother, John warns Kim to be careful since Karen is his sister, but Kim is undeterred.  Once again, we are reminded of the extreme hurt Karen felt by being excluded from chilling with their savior, Colin Cowie. 

Uncle John does make a good point that a mother is usually involved in their daughter’s first wedding–a traditional wedding.  One can plainly see that there isn’t anything traditional going on here.  Karen really needs to adopt a pet and get over it. 

Ummm…why do you keep telling her you’re still a virgin?

Uncle John is unhappy being in the middle of their drama, but the perks of being on national t.v. are so good.  John said that he told Karen to stop with the “I’m not going to your wedding” crap.  Apparently, Karen didn’t appreciate John’s way of telling Karen that she’s a crazy bitch either, so Karen and John are also not on speaking terms at the moment.  It’s somewhat confusing that they can possibly find a down side to not hearing from Skunk Mom for weeks.  Come on the two of youz, it’s a dream come true!

Kim lets slip the non-secret that her mom holds grudges.  Thanks, Capt. Obvious, didn’t see that one coming.  Kim asks her Uncle John to help make sure her wedding is free from the drama.  I think everyone except Karen would love for Kim’s wedding day to be perfect, but from what we’ve seen so far, that’s an impossible dream.  John is a cancer survivor and has a special place in Kim’s life, so she asks him to join her father in walking her down the aisle.  There is a lot of love there, so John happily accepts the honor.

Is that a groundhog that just popped its head out of her wig?

Next up is Coy, a former Falcons football player and motivational speaker.  Kim and Kroy feel like Coy has always been accepting of their relationship, so they invite him over to formally ask him to officiate at their wedding.  Kim is thinking of getting a blinged-out book or Bible or whatever the preacher reads from, for him to hold.  Kim is reciting the traditional wedding vows but stops in her tracks when she gets to poverty.  In richness…cool.  In poverty…ain’t no way that negativity is staying in the script.

Kroy asked her if she was okay with sickness.  I mean, that’s negativity; right?  Wrong!  Kim says she isn’t going to get sick.  When Kroy asks her if she’ll be sick when she “gets her tits done.”  She brushes that off as elective sickness and for Kroy’s enjoyment.  Too bad Kim doesn’t realize that the wedding she is planning is elective poverty.

After a couple of roofies, Coy agrees to be the minister at their wedding, even though he’s never officiated at a wedding ceremony before.  Unfortunately for him, he’s a bald man at a hairy wedding, so Kim offers him a choice of being bedazzled or wigged.  He delightfully chooses a long brunette side pony. 

Look, I don’t marry people.  I sell vacuums door-to-door.

Mind if I spill some coffee grinds and red wine?

Kroy tells Coy that he’s decided to write his own vows–in purple crayon.  This doesn’t excite Kim because she didn’t factor into the budget having to pay someone to write her vows for her to pass off as her own.  Coy tells Kim that it’s a big deal that Kroy wants to write his own vows and asks Kim if she’s afraid that she won’t be able to write her own–with a gold crayon.  Instead of answering the question, Kim says she cries when she thinks about saying “I do” to Kroy.  Guuurrl, you think you feel like crying?  Have you ever met your future mother-in-law?

Coy asks her to try writing her own vows–in periwinkle crayon.  It should be easy.  All she needs to do is take “I do” and shorten it by a word or two.

 “I do” is too complicated?  Seriously?