It’s All-Stars, babies! That means we get to relive 11 of our most loved queens and endure Mimi Imfurst. We begin with the last three Miss Congeniality winners – Pandora Boxx, Latrice “Muthafukin’” Royale, and Yara Sofia. From season 1 comes Shannel, who looks like she raided an applique liquidation sale. Not saying I don’t LOVE it, though. Later, we learn it also comes with a tail and was worn in Beauty & the Beast, because Willam isn’t here to tell everyone that he got his coat from the set of Sex in the City.
Next is Raven, who seems to be getting consistently worse with his makeup. Her foundation is the shade of fresh turd and she is working Janice the Muppet realness. He’s so beautiful as a man, why can’t he consistently be beautiful as a woman? And I’m still bitter about his treatment of Tatianna.
Alexis is wearing the most interesting thing she ever wore in her last season and she’s still bitter about the Booger v Heathers thing. Girl, if you can’t handle getting read on a daily basis, you need to stop hanging out with drag queens. Manila still wears the greatest headpieces ever, this time we are treated to a long, black-gloved hand holding a cigarette in a holder. Everyone inhales when they see Chad walk in, because Chad is the ultimate professional. Pro-fess-ion-AL.
Then, it happens. Mimi Imfurst walks in. The screams begin and Mimi is stupid enough to believe that it’s cheers when it’s really cries of “what the holy fuck?”.
Season 1 badass, Nina Flowers, prances her way in looking like a highlighter and is soon followed by a queen loved by all, Jujubee. The tension between our two resident Asians is as thick as Raven’s makeup. The wit is strong with these two, but Jujubee will bury Manila. Jujubee manages to be the only competitor ever who is talented, funny, AND fishy.
It happens – the soundbite I hear each and every time I head out to the mailbox. One of these days, maybe Ru and the Pit Crew will be waiting for me with my she-mail. A girl can dream…
Apparently the budget is tight this year as the prizes are the same, except that they will receive the monetary equivalent of 500,000 chicken nuggets and we must only get 8 episodes, because we’re pluralizing my favorite acronym. Yes, darlings, we are adding “Synergy” to Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent, which means that we are combining everyone into teams of two. For the rest of the season. From challenge to LSFYL, the girls are in pairs. I feel as cheated as the girls feel.
Because drag queen is synonymous with egomaniac, no one is happy about this. Each queen gets a set of paddles with each of the other queens’ faces. If two queens match each other, that’s a team. If not, they go around again. Gee, I wonder if anyone even realizes there’s a Mimi paddle?
Behold – The Miracle Bra for penises.