Drag Race Recap: All T, All Shade

Recaps

By vallegirl | Friday, February 1, 2013 | 10:47 am | 21 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Drag Race, Recaps

As the queens jibba jabba a 40s bathing beauty in a big hat sashays in. She’s Jinkx Monsoon, 24 and Seattle’s youngest MILF. She’s very impressed with herself but Detox isn’t so she just keeps whipping her hat in Jinkx’s face and tells us in a confessional that Jinkx is “kooky.” Penny Tration is next and since her sole interesting characteristic is that she was the online fan vote (non)winner let’s move on.

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Bettie Page Vivienne Pinay walks in and she’s looking pretty hot. She’s a glamour queen who Alyssa shadily compliments as being a “Kat Von D” doll. Bitch, shut up. Jade acknowledges that Vivienne’s cute but claims she’s cuter. No, you just have a tiny head. They’re not the same thing. A tall, skinny queen comes in wearing a plastic gown and carrying a horse mask. It’s Alaska (formerly Thunderfuck) and she’s going to have to work harder to brush off the Sharon comparisons. Then Alaska drops the queen voice, and DAMN, if she isn’t working some Raja realness with that baritone.

The workroom is filling up and all of a sudden Sylvester must have stepped out of the TARDIS after one of his Cockette shows. Oh, no. That’s just Honey Mahogany, from San Francisco. I kind of dig her eyebrowless alien blonde afro look and her bold decision to carve herself a pear shape. Detox thinks she looks like a RuPaul poster but not as polished. SORRY ‘BOUT IT. Meanwhile, some asshole calls her a “hippie” when she says she’s from San Francisco because someone must have been raised by her grandmother. Next up the human equivalent of a Whippet vibrates her way into the room. It’s Ivy Winter and she’s just too twitchy and nervous. She tells us she can make a costume out of anything but chooses to tell Detox she used to work as a clown. Detox informs her that she still does. I’m staking my claim on Detox now.

Do you wanna funk with me?

Benny Ninja is next, but she’s calling herself Monica Beverly Hillz (with a Z, like Liza) and wearing a dress out of Muppet scraps. She tells us she’s ghetto, banjee, trashy but that’s okay. All right, Stuart Smalley. Tyra Sanchez is back for another shot, only this time instead of a lumbering oaf, she’s a sparkly Boricua named Lineysha Sparx. She’s so pretty that her face looks exactly the same out of makeup and she’s perfected the “cute girl” head tilt. And yet, I don’t want to punch her. That’s how strong the Puerto Rican is in this queen.

Alyssa starts counting to see if everyone’s there and when she gets to 13, and they relax, the final queen arrives: Coco Montrese. She’s wearing a leopard suit and flapping her arms and everything seems fine until the knock off “O Fortuna” starts shrieking in the background. There’s beef between Alyssa and Coco, but no one’s spilling they’re just sharpening their claws and planning to drag this shit out as long as they can. But they do spill that they haven’t spoken in two years, they used to be close but Coco feels “bamboozled” and Alyssa says, and I quote “Coco was the one backstabbing me behind my back.” Shut up, bitch.

Where’s a fountain when you need one?

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vallegirl
About

Vallegirl has never actually lived in a valley, has a lot of time on her hands and likes to yell at kids about how things were in her day.  Currently in LA, she's also spent a lot of time in the great states of  New York and Florida so she's not crazy, it's just a cultural thing.

21 Comments

  1. 1
    Dirty Bubble
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    WoOhOo so glad ur doing the recaps again Vallegirl!

    Early fav is Roxxxy.

  2. 2
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I agree with the commenter in the mini who said that Roxxxy could be the first plus-sized winner. She is gorgeous in any form!! Of course, I always have a soft spot for the Puerto Rican beauties, too. Am sore afraid that Ass-lyssa is such a bitch they’ll keep her around to be the bad guy in the finale. Gag – and not in a good way.

  3. 3
    Lee
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    here’s the dish on Coco & Alysaa. Alyssa was decrowned apparently doing to much stuff on her own, and not being able to fuilfill the dutys of the winner of the pagent, Coco was the runner up, and got the crown when Alysaa was discrowned, apparently Coco was the one that let the comitte know what was going on, and Alysaa is just a bitter pill about it now.

  4. 4
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Agreed that Roxxxy could be the first plus-sized winner. Aside from Season 2, the winner of the first challenge has been in the final two – Nina, Raja, and Sharon all won the first challenge (I just rewatched the previous seasons on Netflix). Also, from certain angles, Roxxxy looks just like Shannel! I know that a lot of people found her to be a bitch, but it’s pretty hard to deny that she was GORGEOUS!

  5. 5
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Thanks for that, PP, I was going to ask if anyone knew the stats on that, as I too suspected the winner often wins the first challenge. Just like I suspected the \voted in\ contestant would be toast.

  6. 6
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I’m so grateful for your recaps! I’ve been living in a hotel, because life is an unfair bitch, and don’t get LOGO, and I miss this show so much. So sincerely, you are appreciated. :)

    That pic with the Andy Samberg comment was spot on and made me laugh loudly. Kudos!

    My captcha was “keyboard cat” so that’s my excuse for any typos or sentences that don’t make sense. It has nothing to do with pain meds. lol

  7. 7
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    I have one request. If it’s not a total pain in the ass, could you label those runway pics with the queens name? Without watching the show, it’s damn near impossible to know who it is by pic alone.

    I do LOVE the judges comments you included though. :D

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    @TVKimmy, if you have access to wifi, the full episodes and Untucked are at LOGOtv.com

  9. 9
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Cool! Thanks sarcasatire. I owe you one. ;)

  10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Alyssa and Coco dragging out this thing is so stupid.
    Every at home knows what the fuck happened already, all we had to do was google.
    I wish someone would tell them to stop with the oblique references. Either come out with it or shut the fuck up. Damn.
    But that said I do love me some Coco Montrese. Not necessarily as a queen, but her personality makes me laugh.

    Still gagging (not in a good way) over the emergence of Tristan Everhard.
    But despite what I’ve seen on the internet (none of which can be unseen), I do like Jade Jolie alot.
    She’s gorgeous and so feminine in drag, and I love that despite her adorable facade, bitch is not one to be tried. Yasss.

    Roxxxy in drag is stunning and out of drag, is one of the cutest little teddy bear chicken nuggets ever. So cute. I just want to smush him.

    Alyssa out of drag is so disturbing. She looks like a less attractive Don Knotts.
    I remember in her promo picture, how I thought she was so gorgeous….that’s what a good angle will do for you.
    When Lineysha said she dresses like a dracula, I burst out laughing so hard.

    I forgot Serena’s diatribe about others being jealous because she was 21 and made it onto the show the first time she tried out, I wanted to throw something at my tv because bitch is delusional. Alot of people make it onto the show that really should not be there. Just because yo ass is on the show doesn’t mean that you are on the same level as everyone else there. RPDR always has a few cannon fodder queens.
    And I didn’t notice that she hugged her lederhosen monstrosity when she came into the workplace…I guess I was still trying to give her some kind of credit. If she purposefully put that shit together and thought it was good, bitch is even worse off than I thought.

    Monica BHz…you in danger girl.

    And Lineysha is perfect. She’s my pick for winner…Sharon and Raja were cool and all, but I just love a glamourpuss queen, and would like for one to win this season.
    I think Roxxxy and Detox will also be in the finale.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Monica is a stah!

  12. 12
    OhYeahMeToo
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    SOO Ready for Serena Cha Cha to cha cha away. To quote from one of my all time favorite drag movies, Torch Song Trilogy, “That queen gives me gas !”. Roxxy is adorable in and out of drag, Lineysha is just HOT ! Going to be a fun season with some really talented and seasoned performers. DeToxx has the potential to be the dark horse in the challenges. Will depend on what clothes they brought and what they are allowed to create.

  13. 13
    Lee
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Detox also apparently did porn, I’d post a link, but it’s pretty dirty. You can google it.

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 7:44 am

    @SarClassy, thank you. That was phab.

    I’m a little slow, so it takes me a while in a season to get all the queens, um…straight. But the right one won and the right one sashayed.

  15. 15
    badgerfreak
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Loved the Andy Samberg caption.

    My pick for the win is Detox. She’s my season 5 Raven. I can’t wait to see Jinkx falling asleep all over the place. I’m already over the Sharon comparisons. Let her be Alaska. These bitches seem to be out for each other’s blood more so than in previous seasons, at least in the first episode. It looks to be a great season!!

  16. 16
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Bless Roxxxy and Lineysha for being cute out of drag, because some of these queens are tough to look at when the make-up comes off. Alyssa struck fear into my heart.

    And I know it’s only the first episode but at least 6 of these queens are already basic as hell. I wouldn’t worry about “the competition getting serious” until at least the top 7.

  17. 17
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted February 3, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Thanks for the great recap vallegirl and yay RPDR is back bitches !
    So far, I have Lineysha, Detox and Roxxy as my top three.
    And I agree with you PacoSauce, half of the girls look like fodder this year.

    Alyssa is probably our new PhiPhi… that feud with Coco is already getting old.
    And I just can’t with Serena. I have never seen someone with so little self awereness.
    It’s gotten to the point that I started commenting everything she says with : No bitch… no !

    “My outfit is inspired by a movement called soft sculpture.” No bitch… it is not.
    “I’m starting with the details, just like you do when you paint.” No bitch… no !
    “You’re jealous of me because I’m 21.” No bitch… they’re not.
    “Panama is americans’ second favorite location for retirement, you should look into it.” Oh no you didn’t !
    And finally, when I saw the final result : Bitch, go to your room and change ! You look like the hate child of a dead poodle and a pinata !

    Seriously, everything about that look was terrible. I was so disgusted, it literaly made me gag.
    Let’s hope for my mental health that Serena is the next one to go.

  18. 18
    April
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Xouille: I think I love you

    I watched the first 10 minutes of the episode they sneak peeked today. It is already awesome. I am all about the Detox, Alaska, and Roxxy team. I love the three of them. And unlike the Heathers they just are friends but still talk to the other girls like Monica and be nice to them.

  19. 19
    Lee
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    I agree with Roxy & Linesyha being cute out of drag, but what about Ivy Winters, he’s hot as hell imo.

  20. 20
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    ^ Yeah, he is!
    I forgot all about him honestly, but he’s cute as a button.

  21. 21
    AlexUK
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Ohohoho, how the tables have turned in the space of several weeks…

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