As the queens jibba jabba a 40s bathing beauty in a big hat sashays in. She’s Jinkx Monsoon, 24 and Seattle’s youngest MILF. She’s very impressed with herself but Detox isn’t so she just keeps whipping her hat in Jinkx’s face and tells us in a confessional that Jinkx is “kooky.” Penny Tration is next and since her sole interesting characteristic is that she was the online fan vote (non)winner let’s move on.
You are the wind beneath my wings.
Bettie Page Vivienne Pinay walks in and she’s looking pretty hot. She’s a glamour queen who Alyssa shadily compliments as being a “Kat Von D” doll. Bitch, shut up. Jade acknowledges that Vivienne’s cute but claims she’s cuter. No, you just have a tiny head. They’re not the same thing. A tall, skinny queen comes in wearing a plastic gown and carrying a horse mask. It’s Alaska (formerly Thunderfuck) and she’s going to have to work harder to brush off the Sharon comparisons. Then Alaska drops the queen voice, and DAMN, if she isn’t working some Raja realness with that baritone.
The workroom is filling up and all of a sudden Sylvester must have stepped out of the TARDIS after one of his Cockette shows. Oh, no. That’s just Honey Mahogany, from San Francisco. I kind of dig her eyebrowless alien blonde afro look and her bold decision to carve herself a pear shape. Detox thinks she looks like a RuPaul poster but not as polished. SORRY ‘BOUT IT. Meanwhile, some asshole calls her a “hippie” when she says she’s from San Francisco because someone must have been raised by her grandmother. Next up the human equivalent of a Whippet vibrates her way into the room. It’s Ivy Winter and she’s just too twitchy and nervous. She tells us she can make a costume out of anything but chooses to tell Detox she used to work as a clown. Detox informs her that she still does. I’m staking my claim on Detox now.
Do you wanna funk with me?
Benny Ninja is next, but she’s calling herself Monica Beverly Hillz (with a Z, like Liza) and wearing a dress out of Muppet scraps. She tells us she’s ghetto, banjee, trashy but that’s okay. All right, Stuart Smalley. Tyra Sanchez is back for another shot, only this time instead of a lumbering oaf, she’s a sparkly Boricua named Lineysha Sparx. She’s so pretty that her face looks exactly the same out of makeup and she’s perfected the “cute girl” head tilt. And yet, I don’t want to punch her. That’s how strong the Puerto Rican is in this queen.
Alyssa starts counting to see if everyone’s there and when she gets to 13, and they relax, the final queen arrives: Coco Montrese. She’s wearing a leopard suit and flapping her arms and everything seems fine until the knock off “O Fortuna” starts shrieking in the background. There’s beef between Alyssa and Coco, but no one’s spilling they’re just sharpening their claws and planning to drag this shit out as long as they can. But they do spill that they haven’t spoken in two years, they used to be close but Coco feels “bamboozled” and Alyssa says, and I quote “Coco was the one backstabbing me behind my back.” Shut up, bitch.
Where’s a fountain when you need one?
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