Once all the queens are in the workroom, it’s time for SheMail. Ru makes a lot of references to the posh neighborhoods in SoCal, then tells the queens that if they really want to make a splash in “RuPaullywood” they’re going to have to shake things up. Then pretends to have an orgasm in an earthquake. As you do when you’re sobbing hysterically because you live 25 miles south of Northridge and your bed won’t stop bouncing off the ground for almost a minute. Or maybe that was just me.
Ru signs off on her SheMail by reminding the queens they need to fake it until they make it then walks into the workroom in a lovely powder suit he probably mopped from a production of “Music Man.” Yakyakyak, Ru gives them the introductory spiel and runs down the same prizes as last year, only with a new cosmetics sponsor that I never heard of then tells the queens they’re going to have to dive in the deep end and be ready for their close up.
As Logo’s website sucks so bad it makes me cry, I bought the season pass on iTunes. Which means I don’t get ads but I do get the episode uncensored. Win win! So let’s just get the Absolut ads out of the way. It’s a pretty clever idea to make it a “Ru Dunnit” with someone stealing Sharon’s crown and Sharon going to Michelle the private “dick” to find it. Michelle’s clearly having a blast and Sharon plays it off well, but the others aren’t as successful. And Phi Phi’s drag appears to be reverting to her pre-show slapdash approach. But it’s a step up from last season’s WTFery.
Back from break and while Jason stands watch over a giant water tank Shawn walks in Jade and I always marvel at his ability to wear those tiny briefs so low on his hips like it’s a perfectly natural costume.
Just realized he’s going to have to put this gig on his resumé.
They walk over to Ru and the “amazing” Mike Ruiz. (I kid, I love Mike.) She’s giggling and cackling and trying to brown nose (and you never realize how many clichés are double entendres until you have to talk about a porn star) but Mike and Ru just want her to get her bony ass into the tank to take her “Hollywood Splash” underwater glamour shot. Mike calls it an homage to Esther Williams and old Hollywood and Ru tells Jade to take note that there is no pee in the water and no one acknowledges it’s a straight up rip off from ANTM. Heh.
Jade’s flailing and trying to pose, but Mike points out that she would hold her breath in her cheeks and looked like a chipmunk. Jade tries to be clever and calls it “Helen Keller drowning realness.” Eh. Roxxxy’s next and despite her uncanny resemblance to Lainie Kazan, she works it and her legs look gorgeous in the photo. Detox is up next and she rocks the shoot even if her “boobs” pop out of the dress.
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