Drag Race Recap: All T, All Shade

Recaps

By vallegirl | Friday, February 1, 2013 | 10:47 am | 21 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Drag Race, Recaps

Serena’s over with Jinkx and looking for validation of her awesomeness by humble-bragging that she’s not nervous and doesn’t know if she should be nervous because she’s not nervous and I don’t know why Jinkx didn’t just feign a narcoleptic attack. Monica breaks it down that she best be nervous.

Roxxxy and Penny (???!??!) put on their makeup dresses, only Penny’s is a caftan, and it’s time for Alaska to remind us once again that she’s Sharon Needles’ girlfriend with a penis. While one queen asks the all-important “Who’s the top, who’s the bottom?” question, and we learn that Lineysha tapes down her skullcap to keep her braids up in her wig, Alyssa just jumps in on Alaska hectoring her to know if Alaska and Sharon are competitive with each other, encouraging the others to hector her, too. Shut up, BITCH!

If I can’t win maybe I’ll just beat the shit out of Alyssa and get thrown out.

Alaska admits that they did have problems and fought, but while Alyssa keeps trying to rattle Alaska, Alaska says that once the show started airing she was Sharon’s biggest fan and let her insecurity go. This doesn’t sit well with Alyssa but Alaska just doesn’t want to be the first to go home since Sharon won and she’ll feel like a failure.

Since no one’s been paying attention to her, Serena decides to let out this loud, long, high-pitched squeal, to which Detox plainly states that Serena’s kind of irritating. And by “kind of” Detox means she’s “fucking irritating the shit out of [Detox].” Tell us what you really mean, Detox. Don’t be shy. But this leads into a greatest hits of what a little, and unnecessary, bitch Serena is. First, she responds to Penny’s utterly inoffensive question about where Panama is by telling her it’s a popular retirement location and to look into it. Then when Vivienne (who?) gets off a good read Serena goes on the defensive telling Vivienne she can’t handle not being the only pretty one (huh?) then she and Jade get into it about…her being jealous of Serena being 21 like that’s some great accomplishment. Seriously, she makes no sense.

But whatever, bitches, it’s RUNWAY TIME! Ru’s corseted into a sparkly ice blue dress with matching eye shadow and she’s here to introduce the judges, bi…coastal Michelle Visage, her favorite leading man Santino, fab photographer Mike Ruiz, who thinks it’s still 2003 and says “Wassuuuuup,” and the very glamorous Camille Grammer.

This week’s theme is “drags to riches” as the queens turned “Beverly Hills” trash into Tinseltown class,” so gentlemen start your engines and may the best woman…win!

RuPaul: She has a HUGE opening…weekend and her box office ain’t bad either.

RuPaul: Loofah my ass!

Michelle: Now we know where last season’s back drop went.

RuPaul: The Ladyboy in Red

Mike: The men LOVE ME! The women LOVE ME!

Mike: Ding DING Diiiiing!

Michelle: And now we got bird flu.

RuPaul: You better sissy that walk, girl.

Mike: Somebody blow into those bullhorns.

RuPaul: She’s ready for the casting couch.

RuPaul: She must have a really…big…dog.

Michelle: That’s how she walks to the grocery store.

RuPaul: Lady Miss Kim

Mike: It’s like Shakira meets….
Santino: …Pinocchio.

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vallegirl
About

Vallegirl has never actually lived in a valley, has a lot of time on her hands and likes to yell at kids about how things were in her day.  Currently in LA, she's also spent a lot of time in the great states of  New York and Florida so she's not crazy, it's just a cultural thing.

21 Comments

  1. 1
    Dirty Bubble
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    WoOhOo so glad ur doing the recaps again Vallegirl!

    Early fav is Roxxxy.

  2. 2
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I agree with the commenter in the mini who said that Roxxxy could be the first plus-sized winner. She is gorgeous in any form!! Of course, I always have a soft spot for the Puerto Rican beauties, too. Am sore afraid that Ass-lyssa is such a bitch they’ll keep her around to be the bad guy in the finale. Gag – and not in a good way.

  3. 3
    Lee
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    here’s the dish on Coco & Alysaa. Alyssa was decrowned apparently doing to much stuff on her own, and not being able to fuilfill the dutys of the winner of the pagent, Coco was the runner up, and got the crown when Alysaa was discrowned, apparently Coco was the one that let the comitte know what was going on, and Alysaa is just a bitter pill about it now.

  4. 4
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Agreed that Roxxxy could be the first plus-sized winner. Aside from Season 2, the winner of the first challenge has been in the final two – Nina, Raja, and Sharon all won the first challenge (I just rewatched the previous seasons on Netflix). Also, from certain angles, Roxxxy looks just like Shannel! I know that a lot of people found her to be a bitch, but it’s pretty hard to deny that she was GORGEOUS!

  5. 5
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Thanks for that, PP, I was going to ask if anyone knew the stats on that, as I too suspected the winner often wins the first challenge. Just like I suspected the \voted in\ contestant would be toast.

  6. 6
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I’m so grateful for your recaps! I’ve been living in a hotel, because life is an unfair bitch, and don’t get LOGO, and I miss this show so much. So sincerely, you are appreciated. :)

    That pic with the Andy Samberg comment was spot on and made me laugh loudly. Kudos!

    My captcha was “keyboard cat” so that’s my excuse for any typos or sentences that don’t make sense. It has nothing to do with pain meds. lol

  7. 7
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    I have one request. If it’s not a total pain in the ass, could you label those runway pics with the queens name? Without watching the show, it’s damn near impossible to know who it is by pic alone.

    I do LOVE the judges comments you included though. :D

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    @TVKimmy, if you have access to wifi, the full episodes and Untucked are at LOGOtv.com

  9. 9
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Cool! Thanks sarcasatire. I owe you one. ;)

  10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Alyssa and Coco dragging out this thing is so stupid.
    Every at home knows what the fuck happened already, all we had to do was google.
    I wish someone would tell them to stop with the oblique references. Either come out with it or shut the fuck up. Damn.
    But that said I do love me some Coco Montrese. Not necessarily as a queen, but her personality makes me laugh.

    Still gagging (not in a good way) over the emergence of Tristan Everhard.
    But despite what I’ve seen on the internet (none of which can be unseen), I do like Jade Jolie alot.
    She’s gorgeous and so feminine in drag, and I love that despite her adorable facade, bitch is not one to be tried. Yasss.

    Roxxxy in drag is stunning and out of drag, is one of the cutest little teddy bear chicken nuggets ever. So cute. I just want to smush him.

    Alyssa out of drag is so disturbing. She looks like a less attractive Don Knotts.
    I remember in her promo picture, how I thought she was so gorgeous….that’s what a good angle will do for you.
    When Lineysha said she dresses like a dracula, I burst out laughing so hard.

    I forgot Serena’s diatribe about others being jealous because she was 21 and made it onto the show the first time she tried out, I wanted to throw something at my tv because bitch is delusional. Alot of people make it onto the show that really should not be there. Just because yo ass is on the show doesn’t mean that you are on the same level as everyone else there. RPDR always has a few cannon fodder queens.
    And I didn’t notice that she hugged her lederhosen monstrosity when she came into the workplace…I guess I was still trying to give her some kind of credit. If she purposefully put that shit together and thought it was good, bitch is even worse off than I thought.

    Monica BHz…you in danger girl.

    And Lineysha is perfect. She’s my pick for winner…Sharon and Raja were cool and all, but I just love a glamourpuss queen, and would like for one to win this season.
    I think Roxxxy and Detox will also be in the finale.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Monica is a stah!

  12. 12
    OhYeahMeToo
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    SOO Ready for Serena Cha Cha to cha cha away. To quote from one of my all time favorite drag movies, Torch Song Trilogy, “That queen gives me gas !”. Roxxy is adorable in and out of drag, Lineysha is just HOT ! Going to be a fun season with some really talented and seasoned performers. DeToxx has the potential to be the dark horse in the challenges. Will depend on what clothes they brought and what they are allowed to create.

  13. 13
    Lee
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Detox also apparently did porn, I’d post a link, but it’s pretty dirty. You can google it.

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 7:44 am

    @SarClassy, thank you. That was phab.

    I’m a little slow, so it takes me a while in a season to get all the queens, um…straight. But the right one won and the right one sashayed.

  15. 15
    badgerfreak
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Loved the Andy Samberg caption.

    My pick for the win is Detox. She’s my season 5 Raven. I can’t wait to see Jinkx falling asleep all over the place. I’m already over the Sharon comparisons. Let her be Alaska. These bitches seem to be out for each other’s blood more so than in previous seasons, at least in the first episode. It looks to be a great season!!

  16. 16
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Bless Roxxxy and Lineysha for being cute out of drag, because some of these queens are tough to look at when the make-up comes off. Alyssa struck fear into my heart.

    And I know it’s only the first episode but at least 6 of these queens are already basic as hell. I wouldn’t worry about “the competition getting serious” until at least the top 7.

  17. 17
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted February 3, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Thanks for the great recap vallegirl and yay RPDR is back bitches !
    So far, I have Lineysha, Detox and Roxxy as my top three.
    And I agree with you PacoSauce, half of the girls look like fodder this year.

    Alyssa is probably our new PhiPhi… that feud with Coco is already getting old.
    And I just can’t with Serena. I have never seen someone with so little self awereness.
    It’s gotten to the point that I started commenting everything she says with : No bitch… no !

    “My outfit is inspired by a movement called soft sculpture.” No bitch… it is not.
    “I’m starting with the details, just like you do when you paint.” No bitch… no !
    “You’re jealous of me because I’m 21.” No bitch… they’re not.
    “Panama is americans’ second favorite location for retirement, you should look into it.” Oh no you didn’t !
    And finally, when I saw the final result : Bitch, go to your room and change ! You look like the hate child of a dead poodle and a pinata !

    Seriously, everything about that look was terrible. I was so disgusted, it literaly made me gag.
    Let’s hope for my mental health that Serena is the next one to go.

  18. 18
    April
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Xouille: I think I love you

    I watched the first 10 minutes of the episode they sneak peeked today. It is already awesome. I am all about the Detox, Alaska, and Roxxy team. I love the three of them. And unlike the Heathers they just are friends but still talk to the other girls like Monica and be nice to them.

  19. 19
    Lee
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    I agree with Roxy & Linesyha being cute out of drag, but what about Ivy Winters, he’s hot as hell imo.

  20. 20
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    ^ Yeah, he is!
    I forgot all about him honestly, but he’s cute as a button.

  21. 21
    AlexUK
    Posted March 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Ohohoho, how the tables have turned in the space of several weeks…

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