Drag Race Recap: Ooh No, She Better Don’t

Recaps

By vallegirl | Friday, February 8, 2013 | 12:57 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Drag Race, Recaps

Split decision on Alaska (Surprise, surprise. Kristen thought it was a fail.) and kudos all around for Coco who really did, per Santino, go beyond LaShauwn. Michelle thought Detox was flawless and beautiful and Kristen has to argue that it didn’t work for her. Michelle finally side-eyes her and Kristen snaps that they get it, Michelle loves Detox. Michelle, bless her talon-fingered, Jersey girliness, didn’t take out her earrings and slap a bitch. Instead she just snaps that she loves them all and Ru calls the judges to attention because she’s made her decision. Kristen, AGAIN, can’t keep her trap shut and snorts “Thank God.” One last time, “BITCH, shut UP!” Ru just mumbles “Uhluhlh. Uhh.”

Note to legal: Find out if I can slap around the guest judges.

With nine queens on stage, Ru doesn’t even bother to recap each one. She calls Monica and Serena forward. Monica’s performance was too much Jiggly and not enough Caliente while Serena sucked. Oh no, wait. That was my critique. Ru says that as team leader she forgot to cover her own ass. They’re both up for elimination so the others can leave the stage.

Monica’s relaxed, ready to kick some pocket-sized Panamanian ass and the song is “Only Girl in the World,” by Rihanna. It could have been close but the song doesn’t really lend itself to Serena’s high energy desperation and Monica is just slinkier, which works for Rihanna. Serena tries her damnedest and does another split, but like with Milan’s wig snatching, it really only works once. Alaska so perfectly sums it up when she drones that “Serena did a split. Oh wait. She did one last week.” By the end it’s not even close as Juliette’s mimicking Monica’s moves, Detox is interviewing that Monica’s slaying it and can send the Central American garden gnome back to Tallahassee and even Serena gives it up and bows to Monica. Well, okay then.

WTF?

It’s no surprise to anyone but maybe Serena and Monica that Monica shantays, but Detox still does the victory fists because ding, dong Serena’s gone. Ru wishes her well then tells her to get the fuck off her stage. No, she just tells her to sashay away, but that’s what I heard in my head.

Serena heads backstage and says that she wouldn’t have changed anything except being team captain, so she still thought the Victorian consumptive was a good idea, then tells the other queens to “read a book.” FYI – I watched the “Meet the queen” videos the other night and, well, Honey is actually a social worker who works with at-risk gay teens in her day job while Coco is also a college grad with a theater degree, while Serena probably took a drawing class at Tallahassee Community College so, yeah. Won’t miss her.

Muevete, pendeja.

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vallegirl
About

Vallegirl has never actually lived in a valley, has a lot of time on her hands and likes to yell at kids about how things were in her day.  Currently in LA, she's also spent a lot of time in the great states of  New York and Florida so she's not crazy, it's just a cultural thing.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    I was saving this juicy bomb for the full recap..we have another porn star! Former, ahem.

    http://www.queerty.com/another-rupaul-drag-race-season-5-queen-may-have-a-pornstar-past-20130130/

    Link SFW but the link provided in that article is not. *shudders*

    Thanks for the shoutout last week, Vallegirl! Now back to reading.. :)

  2. 2
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    As annoying as the Alyssa/Coco feud is (which I’m sure will just so happen to come light on the episode where one is eliminated), they really turned it out this episode. If you can make Leshawn’s run memorable, then you really deserve the win.

  3. 3
    VelocityBird
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I am going to make it my mission in life to say “Ooooooh…no she betta DON’T!” at least once a day.

  4. 4
    Sugarbush Sugarbush
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Oh…my…god…Sarcastire, that link really, really isn’t safe for work. lmao Wow. I’ll be shaking that one off for a while. I think I had something clever to say, but…wow…um…I’ve lost it.

  5. 5
    April
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    I also want to say “OH no she better don’t!” all the time. I am talking more and more like a Drag Queen every day. I feel sorry for my husband who has to listen to it.

    My capcha is CATS AND DOGS. Serena was the Dog alright and the rest of the felines jumped her shit.

  6. 6
    Jessi
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    I actually really liked Kristin as a judge. She was definitely harsh, but very on point, and everything she said was pretty true. She can take over for Santino (bahaha, like Michelle would let that ever happen!)

    As much as I hate the fights on Untucked, I lived for the Serena takedown. You KNOW she must be impossible if 1) Alyssa and Coco team up to destroy her and 2) she makes you miss Tatianna.

    I watched the show at PhiPhi’s former home bar in Chicago, and everyone was cheering at Alaska taking her on. Poor PeePee was basically run out of Chicago, just like she was Texas. Whenever she was on screen last season (or last night) the whole bar would boo. Eeep. Long story short, you are not the only one who still isn’t over hating her.

    Final note, I wish just once someone on this show could make fun of an overweight person without having them eat chicken. It’s just lazy. Even the big girls do it themselves in the Snatch Game. There is more to mock than eating chicken. Stop.

  7. 7
    cbc-cca
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Actually, I thought Honey ala Monique was waving around a biscuit. Monique was famous for the “two piece and a biscuit”.

    So glad the panamanian pomeranian was sashayed away. (Awesome alliteration, Vallegirl!) She left as clueless as she came into the competition. *shudder*

    I am in love with Coco Montrese. I agree … she is yummy!

  8. 8
    April
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    I watched this live chat the day after the show with Michelle Visage and the eliminated contestant so Serena was on and it had Mimi Imfirst and they even brought on Monica. Serena seemed very sad and defeated. Like I kinda felt sorry for him. When everyone hates you, it has to hurt. I think this will be a good lesson for him. He was not mouthing off at all.

    Monica looked beautiful and seemed happy. I might try to catch it again next week if I can remember.

  9. 9
    Chips.N.Whips
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    Still reading but had to comment on ” drag Andy Samberg “. HIGH – LARIOUS & so true!

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 8:24 am

    @Jessi, I love Tatianna, so I just think that Serena was just young and unaware of her impact on others, much like Tatianna…. and, as far as the big girls eating chicken, I think it’s used more for comedic effect rather than to be offensive. I’m curious who the Snatch Game characters are going to be this year because there’s such a talented group of queens this season. I hope Coco Montrese does a takeoff of Jackee’s character from 227, Sandra Clark.

  11. 11
    Jessi
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 8:29 am

    @Derek, I don’t think it’s offensive. I just think it’s a lazy shorthand. Like doing the splits and pulling off the wig during the LSFYL, I’m over it.

  12. 12
    Miss Molly
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 8:29 am

    When Ru asked Alaska why she wasn’t doing Needles in the lip sync skits and Alaska said “I DO Sharon all the time” I spit laughed.

  13. 13
    Sunny
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 10:27 am

    @Miss Molly- I did too! XD I was happy to see that Alaska was a lot more comfortable this week. I felt like I could finally connect with her! Team Rolaskatox!

  14. 14
    April
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Since Coco is a professional Janet Jackson impersonator she might do JJ.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 11:11 am

    All I care about is that somebody (Jinkx) is doing Little Edie. She’s a staunch character. S-T-A-U-N-C-H. “Awwww-nestly. ”

  16. 16
    April
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I feel badly that I had to look up who Little Edie was. I have heard of Grey Gardens but really did not know much about it.

  17. 17
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    April, it know Little Edie is to love her. The documentary seems bleak on paper, old money ‘American royalty’ family disowns daughter after husband divorces her. She and her daughter live together in their sprawling Hamptons mansion, which, 30 years later, is in a state of disrepair. But the spirit and openness of Big and Little Edie and how they’ve adapted to poverty without ever losing their fabulousness and sense (delusion?) of grandeur, makes this docu amazing. Little Edie became a fashion icon, and often imitated..even with a towel on her head!

    Back to the recap, I’m loving Coco Montrese. She’s quick-witted, fierce, and I’m sure, beef with Alyssa aside, a very generous and sisterly type of queen. I like Detox, too..porn past aside (Mr. Sebastian Ford, hunty!) But I think Kristen pegged him right when she said he acts like he has it all figured out..we all know Detox takes herself very seriously. And that’s fine, too but own it..don’t unconvincingly call yourself \humble.\
    Vallegirl, captcha ate my minicap comment but I said everything you said about Jade. She was loving the Serena pile-on because Serena was someone she could hide behind. I bet once Serena leaves, the girls come for her shady ass. But chances are, after she saw that full-room-read, she will cower in the face of any opposition. Shame, really.

  18. 18
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    I’m really sad that now there are two queens on this show who I will always picture with dongs in their mouths.
    Big fat dongs. :(

  19. 19
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    I’m okay with porn pasts but Detox made a song with Willam called Boy is a Bottom. Well, he is too!

  20. 20
    MellyMel
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 7:19 am

    @Chaosbutterfly I hate myself for looking at the Jade pics, because I have the same problem with her right now. I can’t see her without seeing Nazi porn.

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