Drag U Recap: Back in the Saddle

Welcome back, Gasmi! It’s been a while since Ru’s intrepid band of queens set about making Southern California a prettier place by teaching bio-LAW-gical women the important lady arts of applying enough slap to make Queen Elizabeth I say “gurr, back off the foundation,” hoisting your tits so high people think they’re shoulder pads, wearing three wigs simultaneously, and lip synching in a corset and six inch stripper heels. That is what passes as prettyin Los Angeles.

Just another day on Santa Monica Boulevard.

So President Ru welcomes the staff and informs them that this class features the real divorcees of LA County, who are having trouble putting their pasts behind them. Ru needs three professors to help them get back into circulation and sass up their everyday drag…and then we get to see Raven’s new lips:

She’s 1cc away from being in the Land of Confusion video.

Yikes. Just because you CAN inject that much collagen into your lips doesn’t mean you HAVE to inject that much collagen. Moderation is your friend, Raven. Luckily, she’s being saved for later and won’t be scaring women who are already dealing with divorce drama. So let’s meet the new class.

On the plus side, Hilary lost 165 pounds. On the negative? She then lost her husband to, and I quote, “a fat chick.” Ouch. Hilary wants Drag U to teach her how to live a new life in her new body.

Faith’s pissed because she put her own life on hold for her ex, who didn’t return the favor, and now she feels stuck and frumpy and wants Drag U to make her feel glamorous again.

Shana decided that the best way to stop making poor romantic decisions was to marry the next guy after only a few months. While she was busy “giving her all” to the marriage he was “giving his all” to porn sites. She’s hoping Drag U will help her “find true love and true beauty.”

The lights come up, the music swells and Ru strolls into the studio…and Faith responds thusly:

I have nothing funny to say, I just think her enthusiasm is adorable.

Ru greets the women and makes several live affirming puns about restraining orders and custody before giving the weekly rundown about how Drag U works. The women will be judged on their DPA, or Drag Point Average. “D” is for Drag Transformation, “P” is for Performance, and “A” is for Attitude Adjustment. They’ll have 48 hours and the woman who graduates with top honors wins a year’s supply of “custom makeup” from Cinema Secrets (okay…), a $,1000 gift certificate to shop for fashion on overstock.com…and $3,166.32, so walk this way.

They walk into the drag lab so Ru can show them all the glam and bling and sparkle and girliness to help them with their transformation. But the most important element will be their professors and in walks Latrice, Jujubee…and Manila in a French fry leotard:

Grimace just popped a boner.

Never change, Manila. Hilary’s working with Jujubee who thinks she’s just adorable, Faith is with Latrice who has no opinion on Faith she just wants us to know the real professor is in the building and Shana’s with Manila the McDonaldland hooker who wants the others to know the others don’t stand a chance because “look at who their professors are,” re-igniting the Heathers-hatred.

With introductions out of the way, it’s time for student orientation. Rather than lead with overly-personal questions, the professors are asking the women who their ideal husbands would be. Hilary, clearly seeking sensitivity and deeply intellectual and stimulating conversation, says Matthew McConaughey. Well, awright…awright. At least he comes with good weed. Jujubee says she’d like to watch him play his bongos naked but Hilary just wants to see him naked. Then Jujubee shows her a photo of her pre-weight loss and notes that she actually looks happy in the photo. Hilary agrees that she was and had more confidence back then then adds in interview that she wants to find the fabulous woman she lost when her husband left her.

Wait. Being thin doesn’t immediately make you happier? Jenny Craig lied.