Drag U Recap: Grow UP!

Wubba wubba wubba, Gasmii! Since the make-overees are stuck in a time warp, I figured I’d get stuck in one, too. In solidarity.

We seriously need to make this happen again, though.

Ru greets the professors and they’re all in a piss poor mood. Ah, the joys of tenure, where you no longer have to kiss any ass and no longer make the effort. Ru lets them know that this week’s class are a bunch of ladygirls who still dress more like girls. They’ll need the help of their professors to sass up their everyday drag and grow the hell up. So let’s meet them.

Cristy says she’s often mistaken for a teenager (ehhhh…) but wants to look hot for her boyfriend only she doesn’t know how. Ditching the Delia’s fuchsia hoodie is a good place to start. She wants Drag U to teach her how to pull off a sexy, age-appropriate look. Yes! Aim low, Cristy!

MJ is 33 and says she’s “still” 4’11’’ and 92 pounds. She does understand how human growth works, right? She claims she cannot find any clothes to fit her except in the girls department and wants Drag U to help her learn to dress like a grown woman so she can find a man. But she sounded more self-deprecatingly cute than desperate. Then she does this:

She’s like the most awkward pixie, ever. And has managed to be gangly even though she’s under 5’ tall. That’s impressive.

Nicole’s a 28-year-old stay at home mom with…WAIT! HOLD UP! She has THREE failed marriages? She’s not even 30, yet. Even Britney only had two by that age and she crazy. Anyway, she says that after three failed marriages and two kids she’s tired and just gave up. She wants Drag U to help her find the beautiful woman she was always meant to be.

Ru arrives and everyone starts smiling and giggling and sparkling because Ru’s magic. And his suit is shiny. He calls them Lost Girls who refuse to grow up, but Drag U will help them escape Never Never Land and fly into their full potential. Like a butterfly. Then he does this:

Don’t tell him that looks more like a pterodactyl. It might make him cry which would kill Tinkerbell. Anyway, still a competition, still only one winner, still a glamorous prize package of makeup, gift card and $3,166.66 so walk this way.

In the drag lab Ru lets them know that they’ll find more queenie costumes and severe makeup than Gay Days at Disney World Orlando. I take a moment to appreciate how much Disney World’s changed since my buddy at school worked as Prince Charming in the Electric Light Parade then came back to UF to get blotto from having to deal with all those tourists. No gay days for him.  Well, I guess every day was gay day for him, just not at work.