Drag U Recap: Where Are Our Cupcakes

This week on RuPaul’s Drag U, Ru has completely run out ideas and is now pulling random, poorly dressed women off the street and building a theme around that.

As accurate as a Romney Venn Diagram

This week they’re all bakers which, okay. I’ve watched enough Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen to know that the average professional cook has the social graces of a hyena so dressing well probably isn’t a priority. Ru thinks they’ve let their “lovin’ ovens go cold,” and they need Drag U to turn them into cheesecake, so let’s meet them.

Lovely is a young’un who feels like a geezer. Work is her life but she’s ready to ditch the chef’s coat and be sexy.

Marilyn is of a certain age and owns “Double D Cupcakes” which, okay. She’s separated from her husband and, with her children grown, she spends all her time in the kitchen. She wants Drag U to help her feel fabulous in her 50s.

Sarah’s a veteran who decided to make a career out of her hobby of baking cupcakes. Since she went from one uniform (Navy) to another (chef’s coat) she wants Drag U to show her how to be sexy for her husband…but she’s looking pretty cute in that picture so just use that and stop wearing boxy, striped t-shirts.

Ru comes out in a shiny, tone-on-tone, black striped suit to run down the competition and prizes, which are still cosmetics from a company no one’s heard of and won’t be a sponsor next season, a gift certificate and a cash prize of $3,166.32. And I just noticed this:

Gurr…

A HAIRNET? Where’s Casey Thompson and her collection of Target scarves to show her how to still look kicky while sweating through your chef’s coat and cursing like a sailor. It’s not like that hairnet’s preventing her very long bangs from falling into the cupcake batter, anyway.

Ru walks the ladies into the Drag Lab and Sarah gets to ooh and ahover how girlie it is, and how girlie she isn’t. Ru jokes about Nicki Minaj, Marilyn’s all “whuh?” then it’s time to meet their professors. And in walks Alexis, Latrice, Latrice’s camel toe, Mariah and the live caterpillars Mariah’s using as false eyelashes.

Bold moves, ladies. Bold moves.

You are not setting good examples for your students because when Alexis is the “natural” and “tasteful” one, your argument is invalid. Lovely’s working with Mariah who thinks they’ll be BFF’s. Marilyn’s working with Latrice who wants a cupcake. Sarah’s working with Alexis who thinks Sarah needs serious help. She says this while her inner eyes are highlighted with highlighter yellow eye shadow. Make of that what you will.

They break off into pairs for Orientation. First up, Mariah asks Lovely what her guiltiest pleasure is. Lovely draws a blank so she acts coquettishly, saying they’d need to discuss it privately. Mariah jokes that it’s for a different network (Bravo?) but thinks Lovely’s a “bitch after [her] own heart.” High praise from Mariah.

Seriously, those eyelashes are freaking me out.

Mariah asks if she has any sexy nicknames and Lovely says, sexily, that no. She has no time for sexy nicknames then tells us in interview that it’s been “half a year” since she’s been on a date or kissed a man because she doesn’t have time for a man. With that established, it’s time to spring Lovely’s everyday drag photo on her:

It’s not good, but they’re work clothes. Except Mariah establishes that Lovely pretty much ONLY wears her work clothes. Oof.

Latrice doesn’t care about Marilyn. She wants some cupcakes. Marilyn says she’ll bring some which placates Latrice, who now wants to know what Marilyn does for fun. Feed. Her. Dog. Oh, gurr. Lie. Say you like to read or go shopping or the movies. Latrice tells Marilyn she sees some sadness in her and wants to know when was the last time she cried. That morning. She’s taking the separation hard and Latrice promises to bring some fabulosity into her life. But not before shaming her for her ugly clothes.