Drag U Recap: Where Are Our Cupcakes

Actual Ugg boots in 2012. Sadness.

Alexis wonders if Sarah ever uses any whipped cream or “something that you use for cupcakes” for sexy time? Like a stand mixer? A wire whisk? Food coloring? No, no and no. Sarah says her sex life hasn’t been so hot and Alexis, the queen who bemoaned how dull and practically non-existent her own love life was, says she’ll show Sarah how it’s done. Blind leading the blind.

Yeah. That’s not a Freddie Kruger Halloween costume. Alexis asks if that’s how Sarah dresses “around her husband.” Sarah says yeah. The sad music and Alexis’ tsk, tsk face starts to get my back up because I didn’t see him dressed to the nines, either, but then Sarah says she wears whatever “hides” her and that goes beyond just everyone being sexist (including me, probably) and expecting the “ladies” to dress for their mens that I’m not going to analyze it.

Meet & greet is over, it’s time for Quick Drag. Alexis wants to start snatching wigs while Mariah wants Lovely in “see through and polka dots” and Marilyn’s happy she found something safe which prompts Latrice to just shake her head like a sad mama, because safe, neutral tones are like cooties to a drag queen.

Lovely beelines it over to a bright, red wig. Mariah and her caterpillars practically get the vapors over the horror and tells us they don’t work at Mickey D’s. Sarah doesn’t want to show her “flabby arms” but does want a long, blonde fall and Alexis nixes it because they don’t want Sarah looking like she’s wearing Mariah’s busted ponytail. Heh.

Time winds down and while Latrice fusses over Marilyn’s dress, Mariah gives Sarah the “helpful” advice of not worrying about looking like a truck stop special so Alexis can repeat her joke about Mariah’s janky wig and it’s time to meet Ru at the Dragulator.

Truck Stop Charlie’s Angels

All three women chose pretty bold, short dresses, and we learn that Marilyn is in the habit of wearing sports bras with street clothes. Yikes. And if anyone didn’t know who won from the first act, here’s what Sarah looked like this after the Quick Drag:

Youngest? Check. Thinnest? Check. Spoiler? Check. Seriously a little make-up and a better wig and she’s good to go.

Whatever, it’s time for the lady bakers to get their drag personae. First up…Lovely:

Lovely likes Sugar Sensation and thinks she can realy bring her out. Ru goes all MAC makeup counter salesman explaining how the liner just below the lower shelf and whatever whatever, he’s saying she looks pretty.

Next up, Marilyn:

They all have a nice chuckle at Bitsy because she looks like a pinup on the side of a WWII bomber, so was that read because Marilyn’s “old”? No, of course not. Marilyn tweaks a little because the skirt is short, but Ru tells her she’s got great legs and cleavage. But he uses the euphemism of “open neck area” since it sounds better than “nice tits.”

Finally, Sarah:

Sarah’s a little surprised at how daring Candy is but Ru tells her the look shows off her legs and her arms and Sarah shouldn’t be insecure about showing them. Alexis, for her part, stumbles through an ESL description and mildly sets my teeth on edge with a subtle bam. (No exclamation point.)

Now that they’re assigned their drag characters, it’s time for their lady lesson. Ru tips us off that this week’s lesson’s about hairdids when he asks about Bunny’s bedhead and…what does Bunny keep in her bed?

Crabs and waffles?

And, yes, this week the women are learning how to, and I quote, “overcome hat head using fake hair.” Sure, I’ll go with that. Wonder which out of work porn actor/reality show whore will be assisting Lady Bunny this week?

“Hair expert” Jesse Jordan…hahahahaha