Drag U Recap: Where Are Our Cupcakes

Lovely wants to do something fresh and young with her short hair so “hair expert” Jesse suggests she clip on some bangs. The chyron lets us know that your hair must be at least four inches long for clip-ons to work. They look like she clipped them on but Lovely says she likes them then she hits on Jesse. Maybe it’s been more than half a year.

Marilyn doesn’t even get to say what her hair issues are, Jesse just slaps on a fall for longer hair, but lets Marilyn know to tease the hair around it so it doesn’t look like her wig’s falling off. Chyron lets us know that unlike long-term extensions, clip-ons don’t shred your real hair. Thanks, chyron.

Jesse takes off Sarah’s toque and Jesse’s all “Ooh,” as the soundtrack shrieks in horror. Rude! Sarah says she’s had her hair in a ponytail since she was 12 and has never done anything to it. Bunny asks if she has a brush? Ha and yet…

That is kind of…dense.

Jesse suggests that she add brightly colored clip-ons for fun because he’s really not a hair expert. Chyron helpfully informs us that while synthetic hair is cheaper than good Indian hurr, you can’t use heated styling tools or you’ll melt it. Sarah thinks she’ll use the candy-colored clip-on hair to see if her husband likes it.

Bunny reminds the women that fake hair is fake and needs a conditioner to keep it from looking plastic, so she has the women spray then flip their fake hair. With the lady lesson done, it’s time for a word from RuPaul:

Shelarious is not hilarious.

Filler segment. Lovely is uncertain about how tight and cinched the look is and doesn’t thinks she can pull it off while Mariah stares at the giant corset she’s wearing and thinks, “Bitch, please.” But Lovely just feels insecure because she’s heavier than she’s comfortable with. Mariah’s going to tough love some confidence into her.

Marilyn, again, talks about how she’s not sure about all that boob which Latrice interprets as her needing a corset to hike them up to her shoulders. Okay, but we don’t get to find out what Marilyn thinks because it’s on to Sarah complaining about showing her arms. Did they recycle the last filler segment?

As Sarah interviews that she’s just not comfortable with letting loose, Alexis tells her she’s not Sarah anymore and makes her put on some Jody Watley circa 1992 skirt to show Alexis how she walks. Not that we get to see that, either, because it’s back with Mariah and Lovely, who are Ooh-ing and sashaying to varying degrees of success. But Lovely says she’ll serve it and Mariah approves. This is what happens when no one has any real drama.

Latrice flat out lies to Marilyn saying corsets have a way of making you “feel” sexy (no, that’s just lightheadedness) and bringing your sexy back, and I make a note to hunt down Justin Timberlake to kick him in the balls for making that a phrase. Then Latrice uses all her strength to tie poor Marilyn up so tight her eyes bulge out like a Tex Avery wolf.

Don’t you feel sexier already?

Some more playing around where Latrice makes Marilyn look at her perky rack in the corset and Sarah somehow magically finds a way to be sexy and we’re ready for Everyday Drag.

Lovely gets to choose from a delicious ensemble of blouse and pencil skirt with a constricting belt to “cinch” the waist or a mouthwatering shift dress with a beaded necklace.

Marilyn’s options are a tasty and slimming cocktail dress with classic jewelry and a platform ankle strap, to really make all but the slenderest ankle look like a Clydesdale, or a yummy black peplum dress with cropped jacket to highlight the waist.