Drag U Recap: Where Are Our Cupcakes

Sarah can either pick a scrumptious tuxedo jacket and slinky party dress or a sweetsundress that shows off her neckline and arms paired with the most HIGH-larious pair of fringed and platform gladiator sandals. I think the stylist went outside and smoked a bowl before she finished putting that look together because:

HAHAHAHAHA, hoo hoo, hee hee.

Sarah likes the looks and Ru tells her both colors would be beautiful on her then “picks” Alexis to be this week’s designated shill before taking off for dance class.

Phlex has the week off and Candis Cayne is filling in. She’s chosen Milkshake as this week’s song because I guess her references don’t go as far back as My Boy Lollipop. Neither do mine, by the way, but I know it. I’m just saying. Anyway, Ru thinks it’s the perfect song because milkshakes go with cupcakes…and eventually, Tums.

Sarah and Marilyn are anxious, but Candis reminds them they are leaving rehearsal drag queens and drag queens are full of self confidence. Lovely and Sarah work that runway like the rent is due but Marilyn is all skittish, uptight and insecure. As we learned on Drag Race Candis doesn’t really take whininess and excuses well so she tough loves Marilyn into getting the routine while Latrice bemoans in interview that she’s just not getting it. Oh, noes!

This week’s drag tip is how to avoid splotches while applying your self-tanning spray by…SQUEE! WILLAM!

I had to cap several shots because SQUEE! WILLAM! But that segment actually made sense, so here’s what you do. Use a loofah for a clean, smooth surface, mix the tanner with equal parts moisturizer then rub, rub, rub in evenly. You’re welcome.

Final filler segment as the women practice and, duh, Marilyn’s still not getting it but Lovely and Sarah are on it. While Marilyn points out the obvious that she’s twice their age as a justification for sucking, Lovely tells them to bring it because she’s bringing it so it’s broughtened and, not to be outdone in obviousness, Sarah lets us know that Lovely’s her biggest competition because she’s a good dancer.

One of these things is not like the others.

The queens arrive and I’m temporarily blinded by all the sequins, rhinestones and sparkly fabric. Latrice sits down with Marilyn to discuss Candis calling her out and Marilyn starts to crack because she doesn’t feel sexy. Latrice tries to work a primal scream therapy session into their daily lesson but Marilyn barely bleats out an anemic “Ah” like she’s at the dentist’s office.

Meanwhile, Alexis has poor Sarah dressed up like a geriatric Punky Brewster and telling her to be sexy. For some inexplicable reason, Sarah’s just not feeling it. Maybe because she’s dressed like this:

It’s the front bun that really makes the look.

Lovely’s in with Ru and she just takes control and leads the conversation, letting Ru know that professionally she a pretty driven and ambitious workaholic which leaves no time for a personal life. But her friends are getting married and starting families and she wants to figure out how to work them into her life. Ru gives her a Buck up, little camper speech, telling her to use the same drive and chutzpah she used to be a professional success into her personal life and she’ll be a success there, too.

Latrice is still trying to get Marilyn to let out a scream which only makes her shut down more to the point where even the anemic little “Ah” is too much. Sigh. Over with Sarah, Alexis has now upped the humiliation factor and is asking her to pretend she’s a cat walking on all fours. She’s getting Sarah to role play then tells her to say, and I quote, “I need you to clean my litter box.” If that’s really what Alexis thinks is “sexy” Alexis is a freak.