Hello, Gasmii!!!! Welcome to week four of “DWTS All-Stars.” Last week we lost Drew and Helio (since he’s gone, I’m not going to bother putting the accent over the e). None of that matters now. I can barely contain my excitement about this week! First, Paula Abdul is here. I can’t wait to see her interact with Bruno! Also, the results show is only an hour long and ends the best way I could possibly imagine!
This is how I look right now!
Tonight, our couples will be performing dances they chose for each other. I’m going to rant about this for a minute. I think this is kind of BS. Some of the contestants got actual dances (Charleston, Mambo, Bolero, Jitterbug) while other contestants got styles of dance (Bollywood, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Hip Hop, Contemporary). It seems like it would be far easier to perform a dance in a certain style than it would be to perform an actual dance. Something like the Charleston or the Bolero has, for lack of a better term, set rules! There are certain moves that have to be done for it to be considered that specific dance. Something like Hip Hop or Bollywood would allow a dancer to pretty much do whatever he or she wants! I don’t think this challenge was thought through very well.
This is my face in regard to that rant.
Also, I hope you all appreciate me embedding the videos of the dances into my recaps, because tonight, this is the picture staring back at me from YouTube:
Welcome to my nightmares.
OK, let’s get right into the episode, shall we? Before we get to the dancing, I have to say that I’m already loving Paula at the judges’ table! One of her first comments is about dealing with a cranky British man on “American Idol.” When Tom asks her what she’s looking for in the dances, she just says she’s looking for Simon and Randy. Then Len offers to put on a tight black T-shirt. I love the amount of crazy that Paula brings to the show. I’m thrilledthat she is sitting next to Bruno. Ha! She thinks that Carrie Ann would be the prettiest girl on the panel if it weren’t for Bruno. Paula has probably been drinking since noon.
Also, bitch is 50!
Our first dance tonight is the Charleston performed by Kirstie and Maks! Kirstie was nervous about another fast dance, but knows that it requires a lot of character and that is her strong suit.
Yay! “42nd Street!” I love that song. We played it my sophomore year in college marching band (woo, Incomparable Golden Rams!). I know that I’m totally biased when it comes to Kirstie. However, I do realize that wasn’t the strongest dance we’ve ever seen. However, it might be the most fun we’ll have all night. It was cute, it was happy, it was relatively well done, and I think Kirstie really pushes herself week after week unlike some other contestants (*cough*Bristol*cough*). The random 69 on the floor was a bit weird, but, all in all, I liked it.
What do the judges think? Len is a poet again and says that Kirstie turns Monday into a fun day! He would have liked it to be a little cleaner, but thinks she is the best when it comes to fun. Paula thinks Kirstie is great at taking on characters and she’s a joy to watch. Maks is just “eh.” Ha! I love that Paula owns her crazy! Bruno loves that Kirstie is a mad woman. That’s all I really understood from Bruno. Somewhere in there he talked about ass slapping and Shelley Winters. Carrie Ann also likes the entertainment value and thinks Kirstie looks stunning.
Carrie Ann – 7.5
Len – 7.5
Paula – 7.5
Bruno – 7.5 (boring Bruno again tonight)
Next up is team BM (Bristol-Mark). They’re dancing Rock ‘n’ Roll. I know when I think of rock music, I think of ultra conservative wingnuts. Note: I don’t hate conservatives. I hate wingnuts. Also, she’s kind of stupid. She thought Rock ‘n’ Roll would be head banging. Perhaps she was right last week when she thought Mark wanted to go home. When he mentions that the song they’re dancing to is “At the Hop,” he wants to dress up as a rabbit. DO IT, MARK!!!! Do it and go home where you can dance for real! Save yourself!
There’s also a really staged make-up scene. I think Bristol doesn’t know how sarcasm works because she keeps asking Mark if he’s going to wear a rabbit costume. Also, she doesn’t want to throw in any tricks or gimmicks. Seriously? If the judges say you can do lifts, you fucking do lifts! I love that Mark openly says that he’s dumbing down the routine for Bristol. I have a feeling a lot of things are dumbed down for Bristol.
Well, that was the most boring dance ever. It really looks like Bristol just gave up. Honestly, a rabbit suit would have at least made that interesting. What do the judges think? Well, after they wake up from that snoozefest, Paula says that she can finally see that Bristol is at least having fun. Paula does warn her that she needs to keep pushing herself. Bruno thought Bristol finally got pumped up. Really, Bruno? Are we watching the same show? Did something more exciting happen in the studio? What?!?! Carrie Ann gives her a high five. Mother fucker. Len thinks that Bristol gave it her all. It’s pretty sad if that dance was Bristol’s all. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all she can do.
Carrie Ann – 8 (What the fuck, Carrie Ann!)
Len – 8 (Seriously, Len?)
Paula – 8 (Put the alcohol down, Paula!)
Bruno – 8 (You are dead to me, Bruno!)
I call bullshit. There is no way that was better than Kirstie’s dance! Did the Tea Party pay off the judges this week or something? There is no reason for this!
Sabrina and Louis will be dancing Disco. Before we get to anything, we have to talk about Sabrina’s costume. I’m sitting here crying because someone skinned Cookie Monster. Where was PETA on this one?
C is for cruelty. That’s good enough for me.
Sabrina and Louis rehash their time in the bottom two. It’s a very scripted moment. I have to say, however, there is something about Louis that makes me enjoy looking at him. I wouldn’t say he’s super good looking, but he definitely is interesting looking. For the dance, they don’t want to do Saturday Night Fever because it’s such a cliche. Instead, they’ll be going for more of a Studio 54 feeling. Now we know why the suspicious white powder was delivered to the studio last week.
So, every time I hear that song, this is what pops into my head:
I really wish Louis would have dressed up like Gru and Sabrina would have been minion. That would have earned some 10s! Anyway, their dance was great as we’ve come to expect from Sabrina. Bruno calls a Bruno a disco diva, but she lost timing a little bit. Apparently, Bruno counts the entire time the couples are dancing. Carrie Ann starts arguing with Bruno. Paula gets annoyed, but Len is having a moment where he remembers himself dancing in the 70s. Paula liked it – that’s about it.
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Paula – 8.5 (but she still loves Sabrina!)
Bruno – 9
It’s time for Emmitt and Cheryl to perform the Bolero! Apparently, this is one of the Latin dances that Cheryl doesn’t know how to do. She has to bring in some outside help for the choreography. Their rehearsal really is a boring segment. Stop being so normal, Emmitt!!!!
OK, so why did Emmitt’s shirt have that sheer panel around the middle of it? What are the costume designers thinking on this show? “Well, a plain silk shirt is nice, but let’s really class it up by making the part around his midsection sheer!”
As for the dance, it made Carrie Ann cry. She loves watching a big burly man being sexy and dramatic. Len was concerned about this dance for Emmitt, but thought it was very fluid with just enough raunchiness. I love it when Len is a dirty old man. Paula calls Emmitt a sexy beast. Bruno just has an orgasm. I think he’s hornier than Carrie Ann. Aw! Emmitt says happy birthday to his daughter Skylar (I think that’s how it’s spelled). Happy birthday, Skylar! Oooh. It’s ruined when he says, “Daddy’ll see you sometime soon.” That just sounds…weird.
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Paula – 9
Bruno – 9
Yay! Gilles and all his bare chested, stubbly, and messed up hair sexiness is up next! He and Peta will be dancing Bollywood. Peta knows nothing about this style, so she brings in an expert to help them out. Despite the extra help, the dance just isn’t coming together. This is exactly where I predict that they’ll most likely get a perfect score.