DWTS All-Stars Recap: Fusion Week? Isotope So!

Hello, Gasmii! It’s week 7 on “Dancing With the Stars: All Stars.” Last week, history repeated itself and Sabrina was sent home for the second time in week 6. The other contestants acted shocked, but we all know they were just happy they weren’t the ones eliminated. Sabrina herself seemed like she was just going to fall apart. Someone needs to talk to that girl about priorities. If you’re really that upset about getting kicked off “Dancing With the Stars,” then you lead a very sad life.

You were kicked off a reality show, Sabrina, not punched in the stomach. Knock it off.

This week is fusion week! It’s kind of a pointless week because no one is going home. First of all, Tuesday was kind of a big election day, so there was no results show. (I don’t want to totally ignore the election, but I don’t like preaching my politics. The only thing I’ll say at all is, “Nicely done, Maryland and Maine.”) Also, may people were not able to vote because of SUPERSTORM SANDY!!!! (every time I say it, it’s in Don LaFontaine’s voice). The powers that be decided not to have any elimination this week. Also, while we’re slightly on the subject of SUPERSTORM SANDY!!!!, we need to discuss the stupidity surrounding the snow that his hitting the northeast today. The snowstorm is named Athena. Seriously. They’ve named a snowstorm. I’m in the DC area and we have the possibility of flurries. Once again, in Don LaFontaine’s voice, I’ve been running around yelling, “Look out for the flurries of Athena!”

OH, THE HUMANITY!

OK, enough with my weather rant. Let’s get to the dancing. We start off the night with the pros performing, as Tom put it, “A cha-cha paso doble tango Argentine tango salsa thing.” Thanks, Tom. So, basically the pros are just doing a freestyle dance. It was really just filler. I’m not going to bother to put it here, because that’s not what this show is about. This show is about quasi-celebrities and has-beens who are trying to get back just a few minutes of famethe stars and their journeys through dance. Instead of that video, I’m going to put this here. Look for Bruno and all his sexiness. He makes his first appearance right around the 0:10 mark.

First we sit down with the judges while they tell us what they want to see in the fusion dances. I hope the contestants learned that before just now. It would probably have been some good advice. Apolo and Karina are up first. They’re dancing a cha-cha paso doble. There is a lot of complaining in the footage of their rehearsal. I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot of complaining all night. It really seems like the contestants are making this into a bigger deal than it really is.  

That was all right. A shirtless Apolo is never bad. What the hell was he saying about “man boobs” a few weeks ago? Those aren’t even close to man boobs. Anyway, the dance itself was decent. They’ll score pretty high. I wish Apolo would stop mouthing the words to the song. I really hate that. Also, I’m not a big fan of the costume change in the middle of it. When I heard “fusion,” I thought of two dances intertwined. This was basically two dances performed back-to-back to the same song. The costume change just made it very obvious that there was a change in the dance.

Len thinks that looking at a half-naked Apolo is like looking in mirror. Apparently, Len is using fun house mirrors in his home. He did like that Apolo and Karina didn’t play in safe since no one is going home this week. Instead of Apolo Ohno, Len is saying Apolo oh yes! Len has been spending too much time with Bruno. Speaking of Bruno, he says something about “Hungry Like the Wolf.” I’m sure Duran Duran is happy about the plug there. Then he says that Apolo should be in “Twilight.” I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not. Carrie Ann is all a-twitter over a shirtless Apolo. Apparently he’s never taken his shirt off…ever. I hope she means during the show. I don’t think Apolo is a never nude.

One of us…one of us…

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Bruno – 9
27/30
I imagine it’s tough going first. The judges are probably hesitant to give out a 10. What if the next couple is better?  You can’t really give out better than perfect.

Before we get to the next dance, we see the first of the DWTS political ads. These are pretty funny. Here is a video of all of them. I do have to admit, however, that Gilles being naked has totally won my vote. Sorry, Kirstie. I still adore you! 

Time for more dancing. Next we have Emmitt and Cheryle dancing a rumba samba mix. Cheryl is switching the dance every 10 seconds. Now that’s exactly what I wanted to see with this dances. That seems a lot cooler than Karina choreographing a cha-cha and then a paso doble and doing them back to back. Cheryl really seems like she’s thinking hard about this one. We spend some time with Emmitt’s family in Texas. It’s a sweet moment. Emmitt really does nothing interesting.  

Meh. That about sums up the dance. It was kind of strange. The music was a bit too slow for a samba and a little too fast for a rumba. It seemed like it was danced well, but it was uncomfortable to watch. Also, it was very pink. It looks like Barbie’s Dream House exploded all over Emmitt and Cheryl. I will say, however, that dress is very flattering on Cheryl. She’s not big by any stretch of the imagination, but she does seem to have bigger hips that many of the other dancers. A lot of times, I feel like her costumes just make her look like she has wide hips. This one really just flattered her figure and made her look awesome. 

Bruno called Emmitt ever ready…I’m guessing he’s trying to compare him to a battery. Carrie Ann liked that they went back and forth with dance styles, but she thought Emmitt’s upper body wasn’t very good. There are boos because the audience doesn’t understand that sometimes criticism is merited  Len wore pink in case he had to fill in for Emmitt. That’s really all he said. 

Oooh! The cast of Newsies will be here next week! I will be seizing that day! 

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 8.5
Len – 9.5
Bruno – 9.5
27.5/30

Before Kirstie and Maks dance (a quickstep samba fusion), we see fire shoot out of Maks’ crotch because of course we do. I’m not even sure I’m a little surprised by that. I have a feeling it was Kirstie’s idea. She’s got a dirty mind like that. However, it seems a bit dangerous to put fire that close to one’s penis. Kirstie is in on the joke and knows that the best dancer doesn’t usually win. She wants to inspire other people to do this show too. I’m sure there are plenty of fake celebrities just waiting to get their chance.

It is really sweet to see Kirstie gathering canned food, clothing, blankets, etc. for the people in New York and New Jersey that are still feeling the effects of last week’s storm. She really did get a lot of stuff by just tweeting once. Good for her (no sarcasm!). She’s definitely doing more than Maks dedicating his dances to them.   

This was another case where the music didn’t match both dances. It worked really well for the quickstep, but not so much for the samba. It just wasn’t fast enough and it looked like they had tried to simplify a samba. I don’t think the producers though this theme through very well. Also, they’re really going to just use the costume change thing all night, aren’t they? Emmitt and Cheryl should just win the whole season for doing something different.

Carrie Ann thought the quickstep was good, but the samba just fell apart. Len thought there were “one or two incidents” in the dance. This causes Kirstie to burst into laughter and no one really knows why. I guess we all have those moments. I’m not entirely convinced that Kirstie isn’t just drunk. Bruno likes that she turned Cinderella into a stripper, but she did lose time in the dance. 

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 8
Len – 8
Bruno – 8
24/30
I like that Kirstie flat out says that the scores are generous. They really are. That was kind of a terrible dance – especially at this point in the season.  It’s nice to see a dancer who isn’t delusional about their “talent.”

Kelly and Val and their sexual tension are dancing a foxtrot cha-cha. First, they have a little date where they talk about staying in touch after the season. Oh, Val, we already know there is enough touching going on for plenty of seasons. Kelly did not expect to have a great connection with Val. Apparently, no one knows what’s going on between the two of them – even them. Just say that you’re fucking!!!!! These two frustrate me. If I were getting laid by someone that looked like Val, I’d be shouting it from the rooftops! 

 Meh. Again, it was just two dances back to back with a costume change in between. Len thought it was nice combination of the smooth foxtrot and the crisp cha-cha. He did find anther incident, but liked it for the most part. Bruno says something about Kelly’s booty. Bruno likes big buts and he cannot lie. Carrie Ann thought the dance was elegant. Nothing really interesting from the judges. Brooke, however, just makes things awkward. Can we please get a petition going so she can stop interviewing Kelly and Val?

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Bruno – 9
27/30

Melissa and Tony are performing a tango cha-cha routine. Melissa pretends that she’s heartbroken over Sabrina’s elimination. I just want one contestant to say, “Yeah, I’m glad [insert contestant's name] is gone because it means I’m still here!” She is finally realizing that the audience can make or break her chances of getting to the finals. You’re just realizing this now, Melissa? It’s not so much that the audience can do that…it’s that they DO!!! That’s how this show works. The audience decides who is eliminated. I didn’t watch her on “The Bachelor,” but I’m going to guess that she was the one who would say that she didn’t expect to find love…on a dating show. I’m hoping that Melissa is eliminated soon so I can stop listening to her speak. 

We also get a really awkward moment where Tony talks to his family while Melissa just sits behind him. That was…weird.

Oh, look, another costume change as a transition. That’s so original. I can’t believe they thought of that. Bruno compares Melissa to Beyonce. I guess Melissa is a lot like Beyonce…only without the talent, fame, money, etc. Carrie Ann calls Melissa a star. Well, it’s about time that there is a star on “Dancing with the Star.” Len agrees with me that doing the half and half dance is a cop out! Yay, Len! 

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Len – 9.5
Bruno – 9.5
29/30

Derek and Mark and Shawn are dancing a tango paso doble. Since Derek hurt himself on a sexy tractor last week, Mark (Shawn’s former partner) will be filling in this week. It’s nice that Shawn can dance with someone that already knows her. I guess this makes up for the fact that Mark had to dance with Bristol for the first few weeks. I finally figured out what it is about Shawn that I dislike. She doesn’t open her mouth when she speaks! I’m a speech and debate nerd – this is a big deal for me. Open your damn mouth, Shawn and actually speak. Don’t just grunt through your teeth.

OK, I’m done. 

For the first time all season, I think Shawn was actually dancing instead of just doing the steps. That actually looked really good. I’m quite pleasantly surprised. Now, I do think that she and Mark got off easy here. I would imagine that the paso doble and the tango are pretty easy to put together – they’re both really intense dances. They also got a song that worked really well for both styles. I do what Shawn’s dress as well. I love red and black together and that dress was just HOT! I think I could pull it off for my firm’s holiday party.

Carrie Ann thought it was the definition of a fusion. Len calls it a fire cracker. Because Len is English, he can’t vote in the election, but he’s voting for Shawn and Mark. Len is so hit and miss with his clever lines. Bruno calls Shawn the queen of the night. I think he’s just happy that he’s wearing something similar to his costume in the “I’m Still Standing” video. 

Tom wants us to text “ABC” to 90999. A fun thing to do with these charity texts is to use them if someone is hitting on you in a bar. If he or she asks for your number and you don’t want to give it, just take his or her phone and act like your putting the number in. Instead, donate to charity. It’s a win-win for everyone.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Len – 10 (and he rhymed, of course)
Bruno – 10
30/30
Derek will be back next week. That means that the 10s will be gone because Len hates Derek.

Finally, it’s time to look at Gilles. He and Peta are dancing an Argentine tango samba fusion. Gilles is kind of bummed about that. He was so excited to do an Argentine tango that he doesn’t want to mix it with anything else. He just doesn’t think that the two styles will work well together. To make himself feel better, Gilles takes some shirtless pictures for a magazine. 

The beginning was such a cocktease. I was hoping we were going to get a little Beethoven going. It’s just some disco. Every time I hear this song, I think of Peter Griffin on roller skates. Gilles makes up for that unsexy image by just stripping the entire time. I forgive you for everything, Gilles.

Len thought the dance was a great tour of South America. Bruno hits on Gilles because that’s what Bruno does. Carrie Ann still sees the T-Rex arms from time to time. That was the shortest time with the judges ever. Gilles dedicates his dance to the East Coast. I guess Kirstie can stop collecting food and blankets and clothing. Gilles has given the East Coast the gift of dance. That will keep them all warm throughout the night.