DWTS All-Stars Recap: Mirror Ball, Mirror Ball On the Wall…

RESULTS!

Why the hell is the results show twice as long as the performance show? Can they please stop cramming all this fluff into the results shows? Just let the remaining couples do their instant dance and then tell us who wins. Skip the ridiculously dramatic opening. It’s not like this is even a well-respected dance competition. It’s a reality show designed to give Z-listers and has-beens another 15 minutes of fame.

I guess we’re going to start with our welcome back dances…or whatever they call them. I’m not going to put them all in here – only if there is something no and interesting. 

Oooh! We start out with Dance Center! This is my favorite part of the “DWTS” finale. Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, and Len Goodman will be giving us their take on the show. It starts out with Len and Jerry talking about the next season of “DWTS.” Len thinks they should do the opposite of All-Stars and showcase the worst dancers they’ve ever had. Of course they cut to Kenny when they ask where they’d get the bad dancers. Well, they had Bristol on this season. Do you think they’d let her back for the losers season?

First eliminated, but still better than Bristol.  

 Shawn and Derek are performing their freestyle as the encore routine for the night. It’s exactly the same as it was the night before. There really is nothing else to say about it. We got back to Kenny, Jerry, and Len in Dance Center. Kenny goes over Drew’s and Joey’s freestyles from seasons two and four respectively and calls them the ones to watch in the finals. Len has to remind Kenny that this isn’t opening night and Drew and Joey aren’t in the finals. Kenny points out that Kirstie can’t keep her hands off Maks – and that Maks also can’t keep his hands off Maks. Hell, if I looked like Maks, I’d be touching myself all the time too! Ha! “Bristol took Mark to a gun range. Unfortunately, she missed.” I concur, Kenny! Jerry makes a good point – Tom and Brook just wouldn’t stop talking about how shocking it was that Sabrina was eliminated. Kenny doesn’t think that this was the most shocking elimination and then shows video of his own elimination “one dance shy of the finale” – because the season was “condensed”…to two couples, apparently. There’s not a lot I can do with Dance Center because it’s just awesome on its own.

I dare you not to giggle. 

It’s time for our finalists to pick the music and dance they’ll be performing for their instant dances.

Kelly and Val – “Cat & Mouse” jive
Melissa and Tony – “Life Is a Highway” samba (again!)
Shawn and Derek – “Respect” cha cha

I think Shawn tried to make a joke when she said, “Can it please be jive?” but she really missed the timing on that. She really should just stick to gymnastics (what she calls dancing) and stop with the humor. It’s not working for her.

Bristol and Mark perform a dancer. It involved a lot of shimmying. Yay! It’s Tristan! It’s just a lot of hot guys throwing Pamela around, but I’m going to include the video…because Tristan.  

I’m pretty sure that Tom called Pamela a stripper when he said, “Usually to see something like that there’s a two drink minimum.” Well played, Tom. After that, we take a look at Helio and Chelsie not being able to understand one another. We also see further proof that Chelsie is probably just stupid. I recently read an article where the author said that Helio reminded her of Roberto Benigni. I kind of see it. Roberto is exactly what Helio is going to look like in about 20 years.

I can’t unsee it!

Chelsie and Helio dance. It’s unremarkable. Helio can rock a pair of suspenders though. I’ll give him that. Yay! Drew and Anna are back. I’ve missed Anna. They’re performing with Drew’s daughter Isabella. Anna seems really good with Isabella. This dance has to be included because it might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. 

I know it’s not getting scored, but that should get 10s all around. I’m pretty sure that dance made this whole season worth it. I never really cared much about Drew, but he definitely seems like he’s a pretty great dad. Good job, Drew. Ha! Tom points out that Isabella wasn’t even born yet when Drew won season 2. This moment just got infinitely cuter.

A kitten was all this dance needed to make my head explode due to cuteness. 

The confessional moments are better than most of the dances. My favorite moment is Cheryl exclaiming, “Oh, my gosh. I look so Asian right now.” Boobs are discussed (mainly Sabrina’s and Kelly’s). Then there’s lots of falling down and people yelling “cut!”

This is one of the first images to come up when I Google “Asian Cheryl Burke.

Oooh! Team “Gangnam Style” is performing again. I’m going to include this video because, 1.) Joey and Kym are filling in for Kelly and Val and Joey is always entertaining and 2.) Gilles in a towel. I wonder if the producers decided to get rid of Gilles before the semi-finals just so he could perform this again. Speaking of naked Gilles, Sex in the Citywas on TV this past week and I watched the whole thing…because of Gilles. 

The dance was still a hot mess and still entertaining as hell…and I still don’t understand the appeal of that song. Maybe I’m just getting old.

Ha! Joey does an awesome “Back to the Future” routine. Joey always knows how to entertain the audience. Apparently, the video of this isn’t online. That makes me sad! Even though they’re not competing, they should win the entire season because they brought in a DeLorean. After that, Sabrina does her dance from country week. From all the talk of her being such an amazing dancer, you would think that she’d come up with something really spectacular to prove that she was robbed.

Team “Call Me Maybe” performs next. It was still a technically great dance. However, I’ve always hated this song. It just doesn’t make any sense. “I just met you and this is crazy…” followed shortly by “I missed you so bad.” You just met him, Carly Rae Jespen! You are being very clingy.

Here’s my number. Call me call me call me call me call me call me call me call me call me… 

Yay! More Dance Center! Ha! Emmitt really did wear a lot of neon this season! Kenny can’t tell the difference between Julianne Hough and Chelsie. Because Gilles is French, he knows how to SURRENDER to the dance. Wait. Did you know that Gilles was French and moved to America! I had no idea! While it took Apolo seven episodes to take off his shirt, it only took seven minutes for Gilles to get naked. As long as there was someone built like either of those men being naked, I was happy.

Kirstie and Maks dance and it’s fine. It’s not nearly as entertaining as what we’ve come to expect from those two. Oh! But Gilles and Peta perform their Bollywood routine again. I can’t find the clip from the finale, so here is the original dance…because it involves Gilles’ bare chest. 

The original was better anyway. Their performance on the finale seemed shortened and it didn’t have all the cool props. It was still cool, just not as cool as we all know it could be. After this, Apolo and Karina perform their rumba from country week. It’s still all types of emotional and pretty. Damn, Apolo can rock a vest. 

Aw hott!

Emmitt and Cheryl give us a little hip action. It’s fine. Nothing all that amazing, but not terrible. For some more entertainment, we go back to Dance Center. Len says that he loves Shawn and calls her “Little Miss Dynamite.” When has Len ever called Shawn that? I didn’t realize that Shawn was only 17 the first time she was on “DWTS.” Kenny says she claims to be 20 now, but he hasn’t found her birth certificate from Hawaii. Haha – topical political humor. Len thinks that Melissa is the real deal. Then we see a few clips of her just being stupid and falling down. I think Kenny is right when he says that Val doesn’t have much of a clothing budget…not that anyone was complaining. Both Kenny and Jerry think that Val and Kelly are fucking. 

What “after glow” might look like.

 Thank God! It’s finally time for the instant dances. Or maybe not. First we’re going to get some dramatic music behind the finalists talking about how much they want to win. That was special. OK, now it’s really time for the instant dances. 

Kelly and Val are up first. They throw out a lot of “last dance” cliches while they rehearse. We do learn that Kelly didn’t want a jive.