DWTS All-Stars Recap: New and (Sort Of) Improved

Recaps

By PopePhilly | Wednesday, October 10, 2012 | 10:49 pm | 12 Comments
Posted in: Dancing w/ The Stars, Recaps

Now, we know the judges aren’t go to like the rule breaking, so let’s see what happens. Bruno has another orgasm. He thinks he could be the best dance he’s seen in 15 seasons. Carrie Ann has happy feet, ugly shoes, and almost kicks Len in the face. She agrees that it’s the best dance they’ve seen ever on the show, but she will drop them a bit for breaking the rules. Len loved the musicality and has never enjoyed a routine more. However, he is also going to drop a point for breaking the rules. 

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 8
Bruno – NINE AND A HALF!!!! (That’s exactly how he said it. He was building up to this moment.)
26.5/30

RESULTS!

Since a few important things actually happened on the results show, I’m going to recap the whole thing. Also, someone sent me a program that shows me a kitten for every 100 words I type. So far, I’ve seen 30 kittens. The cuteness is getting me through the four hours of show to recap! I will be buying a beer for the provider of this distraction. If you made it through all four hours of the show (and actually paid attention like I did), any distraction would be worth a beer. Also, tonight will be a double elimination! That means that the upcoming episodes will be shorter.

To start off the show, we have the encore.  Of course it’s Shawn and Derek! Who else would it be?

I did exactly this when I found out I got to watch the dance again.

There is the usual review of the dances from the night before. We learn that Kirstie thinks Maks would make a gorgeous drag queen. I think I would like to see that! With that, we learn the fates of the first group of dancers:

Melissa & Tony – SAFE!
Gilles & Peta – SAFE!
Emmitt & Cheryl – SAFE!
Kirstie & Maks – JEOPARDY!

The first special guest is Frankie Morena. Kyle Massey (YAY!) and Lacey Schwimmer (blech!) will be dancing. I’m not going to put the video here. This post is already crazy long and this performance was just filler. I do enjoy watching Kyle though. He dances better than anyone of his body type realistically should.

It defies all logic! 

It’s time to find out the fate of our next group:

Shawn & Derek – SAFE!
Apolo & Karina – SAFE!
Drew & Anna – JEOPARDY!
Kelly & Val – SAFE!

No! It’s Anna vs. Kirstie, and I love them both! I can’t make this choice! That’s like making me choose between my children. OK, so I don’t have children, but it’s definitely like making me choose only one beer to drink for the rest of my life! Between these two pairs, Drew and Anna are going home. I’m sad that Anna is gone. I really didn’t care much about Drew. Granted, I probably would have picked them to stay over Kirstie and Maks. Drew is a MUCH better dancer. 

Drew keeps his head held high. I’m always happy when someone who gets kicked out of any reality competition knows that it’s not the end of the world. Good job, Drew. I’ll miss you, Anna. :(

This show just lost a lot of cuteness points. 

There is a lot more backstage fluff. Blah blah blah high standards blah blah blah best dances ever blah blah blah awesome talent blah blah blah hard to send people home. Len thinks this was the best night ever. Len has very low standards when it comes to having a good night. Then it’s time for the couples to pick the dances for their competitors. They will start with the lowest scoring couple picking for the highest scoring couple. Here we go!

Bristol and Mark pick for Gilles and Peta. They choose Bollywood.
Kirstie and Maks will pick for Sabrina and Louis. They choose Disco.
Hélio and CHelsie pick for Shawn and Derek. They choose Mambo.
Kelly and Val pick for Emmitt and Cheryl. They choose Bolero.
Melissa and Tony pick for Apolo and Karina. They choose Hip Hop.
Apolo and Karina pick for Melissa and Tony. They choose Jitterbug.
Emmitt and Cheryl pick for Kelly and Val. They choose Contemporary. 
Shawn and Derek pick for Hélio and Chelsie. They choose Broadway.
Sabrina and Louis pick for Kirstie and Maks. They choose Charleston.
Bristol and Mark get what is left. They will be dancing Rock and Roll.

Only 9 of these dances will be performed as one couple is left to be eliminated.

This is where we meet Josh Johnson. He’s from Harlem and he dances in the subway to make money to go to Penn State. Wow. He really makes a lot of money dancing on the subway. Now, Penn State isn’t a totally public university (it’s considered “state affiliated” rather than being part of the PA State System), but it’s still cheaper to be an in-state student than an out of state student (like Josh). Assuming he is attending the main campus, he’s looking at $15,000+ per semester for tuition alone (according to the PSU tuition calculator). Even if he’s attending one of the other branch campuses, he’s still looking at $10,000+ per semester for just the tuition. I’m a bit skeptical that he’s paying for his education/room and board/books/etc. solely by dancing on the subway in NYC.

I call bullshit on your story, sir. 

Don’t get me wrong, Josh is a really good dancer. However, I just think there is more to his story than he’s telling us. Then a group called Carmen performs. I didn’t really pay attention to that because it was time for me to go to the freezer and get a shot of amaretto. I come back just in time for more eliminations.

Bristol and Mark – SAFE! BULLSHIT!
Sabrina and Louis – SAFE!
Hélio and Chelsie – ELIMINATED!

Are you kidding me? It came down to Sabrina and Hélio? What the fuck!? How the fuck did that even happen?!?!?! I’ll be back in a moment. I need another shot of amaretto. Where is Hillary Clinton when you need her?

Now THIS is a vast right wing conspiracy! 

I got nothing. This is fuckery most foul. What do you think, Gasmii? While you’re commenting, I’m going to go finish the bottle of amaretto. I just can’t deal with this anymore anymore. 

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PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

12 Comments

  1. 1
    jarthon jarthon
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 5:09 am

    First off, THANK YOU for letting me relive Joanna and Derek’s paso. Still one of my favorites from any season. How Bristol keeps making it week after week shocks me. Like how much more weight do the votes have over the judges? Just blergh. And how does ABC think that we put Sabrina on the show and here it is week 3 and we’ve already abandoned her? More just blergh. At least we get to see new dance styles next week so everyone will be out of their comfort zones.

  2. 2
    Lizbot
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 5:25 am

    I predict that Bristol Palin will make it to the top 4 at the very least. The Tea Party is highly invested in pissing off “liberals” (their words, not mine), and the more people are outraged about it, the more they will vote. Not that I’m suggesting that you stop complaining — I’m not watching the show, but I’m loving the snark in this recap!

    As for the fight with Mark — just another reason why the Palins are one of the most annoying families in America (like mother like daughter). Can anyone really blame Mark for possibly not wanting to be saddled with one of the worst dancers of an all-star season while two of his most talented partners are paired up with his competitors?

  3. 3
    considerthis
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Curious as to why ABC would even invite Bristol back. I know I know I know there is no such thing as bad publicity and yes everybody can’t stop talking about it (including myself).

    BUT

    While indeed everybody is talking about it – it is erroding the credibilty of the show that it is supposed to be promoting. Every week she stays “better” “dancers” are forced to leave thus making it a populatilty contest and not a show about dancing. Maybe ABC should rename it from Dancing with the Stars to Voting for the Stars??

    On top of it all Bristol has the personality of a wet loaf of bread and her incesssant whining and lack of enthusiam for anything only further frustrates non-tea party voters as this show is meant to entertain of which she (Bristol) does the opposite. If ABC’s is betting on the fact that noo Tea Partiers will “rise up” to oust her that has yet to happen – all that has happened is annoyance and frustration on behalf of your average fan. I guess this is how ABC says thanks for tuning in…

  4. 4
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    @jarthon: They seem to do that every now and then. The only other season I followed closely was season 13. I remember there was a week that the bottom two were J.R. Martinez and (I think) Chaz Bono. The elimination was BEYOND obvious at that point. I think the producers like to keep us on our toes. They always make sure to mention that the “bottom two” don’t necessarily have the lowest combined scores. The person going home does, but the person staying could have a very high combined score. It’s just to create drama.

    @Lizbot: I like to think that I’m complaining for your entertainment – not to just be a little bitch and get attention by playing the victim. The funny thing is, Mark never once made it seem like he felt “stuck” with Bristol. From what I’ve seen on the show, they seem like they get along great and are pretty good friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bristol was just trying to get attention, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if the producers set that up to create drama. I always have to remind myself that, first and foremost, this is a show.

    @considerthis: As much as Bristol sucks, she does bring in a big audience and is considered “controversial.” Granted, it’s just pissing off more and more people. However, one thing I will say in Bristol’s defense (sort of), she is the kind of contestant that this show should be about. I would rather see someone without a dance background come in and actually learn something. I always go back to season 13 (again, it’s the only season I really followed closely up until now) and remember both J.R. Martinez and (please don’t judge) Rob Kardashian coming in with little to know experience and both turning out to be pretty good by the end. Although I don’t want to see Bristol (I just can’t with this one anymore!), I do like the type of contestant that she is.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    *Little to no experience…not little to know. It bothers me to no end when I find typos AFTER something is published.

  6. 6
    ChaCha
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    I wonder how much money the RNC is paying teabaggers to vote for Bristol. There’s no way that galumphy girl deserves to last longer than the much better dancers.

  7. 7
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I think it’s HILARIOUS that Mark BallsNass got Bristol as a partner. They are both bitches. Now, that we’ve got that established, during the bitch-fight, Bristol did say to Mark that he never showed up for rehearsal one day (the reason for her hissy fit), and he didn’t deny it.

  8. 8
    Lizbot
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Oh PopePhilly, please don’t get me wrong — your recaps are the only thing I enjoy about this show! Please keep keep it coming! You have every right to be outraged at Bristol’s continuance in the competition, and you’re very funny while you do it! I was just bitching and moaning about it in my own little way. Looking forward to reading more next week.

  9. 9
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Here is an article that says the Tea Party has “cracked” ABC’s call-in code and they can now vote for Bristol to infinity and they will, no matter what and they have groups that don’t even watch the show who are doing just that.

    http://jezebel.com/5691445/how-palin-conservatives-are-cheating-the-dwts-voting-system?skyline=true&s=i

    The voting process needs to change.

  10. 10
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Oh, I’m sorry…… I LOVED you recap!

  11. 11
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    @ChaCha: Like I said, this is the REAL “vast right wing conspiracy.” Hillary needs to be all over this! :)

    @Enrique’s Mole: Good point! I forgot about that. However, I wouldn’t be all that amazed if Bristol was blowing that out of proportion. I’m willing to bet that Mark called her because he couldn’t make it for some reason. She just seems like the type of person who would hold a grudge for something like that.

    @Lizbot: I know what you meant. :) I was just trying to joke about the difference between a recapper’s complaining (which, in my COMPLETELY unbiased opinion, is always funny and entertaining) while Bristol just wines.

    @Chooch: I read that article too! They really do need to figure out a different way to set up voting. Now, not to defend that practice, other contestants’ fan bases could do the same thing. We could all make up fake email addresses to vote. That doesn’t make it right by any means. I’m just saying. I hope that made sense. It’s late and I’m a little drunk. Hahaha.

  12. 12
    Lizbot
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 4:14 am

    @PopePHilly: Phew! I thought you knew, but I just wanted to make sure.

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