DWTS All-Stars Recap: Semi Five-nals

 Well, it was another technically good dance with no musical interpretation from Shawn. It’s what she does. Yes, it looked great as Derek’s and her dances always do. However, it was just missing that “it factor” that some of the other dancers have. Also, why was Derek the only one dressed for the “Knight Rider” part of it? They didn’t seem to really go together. It is kind of cool to see Shawn out of breath for the first time all season. Maybe she isn’t completely a machine.

Bruno just yells “Bhangra style!!!!” Thanks for that, Bruno. Can someone please get him some downers? Carrie Ann just says that she loved it and is happy Shawn is out of breath. Len wants us to close the door and call him “Mary.” I think I’ll pass on that one, Len. In what universe is Carrie Ann the one who says the only thing to make sense?

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Len – 10
Bruno – 10

Apolo and Karina are performing a big top jazz number. Of all the crazy theme/dance combinations, this one seems to make the most sense. Karina interviews that they’re going to go for a modern jazz routine and incorporate a lot of tricks to help with the circus theme. 

Poor Apolo. He fell just a few steps in. At least it was right away and he still has time to recover. To be honest, I didn’t really care for that dance. It was just one of those performances that felt off. I can’t really explain it, it just didn’t seem quite right to me. 

Carrie Ann loved the concept, but thought that it was really disjointed and out of sync. She keeps saying “the dismounts were quite sloppy.” The 16-year-old boy that lives in my brain giggled there. Len thought it was disjointed, but likes that Apolo is a fighter. Bruno loved that it was surreal. He didn’t think it was disjointed, it was edgy. I guess that means I can say I’m not a bad dancer, I’m just edgy.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 8.5
Len – 9
Bruno – 9.5
I’m going to agree with Carrie Ann. I don’t think that was worth the scores that Len and Bruno gave it.

Next up, it’s Emmitt and Cheryl. I wonder how much they’ll be over-scored tonight. They’re doing an espionage Lindy Hop. Cheryl says that she’s never seen dances mixed together like this before. Seriously? She’s never seen a pretty traditional dance with a certain theme? I find that kind of hard to believe. 

Really? They blew up the mirror ball trophy? That was kind of weird. I’m not a fan of all the gimmicks, but I guess they had to do something silly this episode because of the weird themes. As a dance, I thought it was fine. As a performance, I really liked it. It had a campy sort of Johnny English feel too it, and nothing that reminds me of Rowan Atkinson can be all bad.

Len likes the concept and the energy, but he wanted a bit more Lindy Hop. Apparently, Bruno was brought to tears. From that? Can I have some of what Bruno has been drinking tonight? Can we just have one night where all the judges are sober. Carrie Ann thought this was Emmitt’s most animated dance of the season. Notice she didn’t say “best.”

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Bruno – 9
27/30
OK, not too over-scored. I can deal with that. 

Last up in the first round, Kelly and Val are performing a surfer Flamenco. I’m surprised that Kelly didn’t think she’d kill this dance. I, personally, think she does better with a really powerful and intense dance. Her paso a few weeks ago was pretty awesome as was her tango. In rehearsals, she and Val fight a lot and then they go have make-up sex. Well, that second part is only implied. OK, it’s more just assumed by me…and everyone else watching this show. 

That was pretty cool, but it looks like every paso doble we’ve seen on this show all season. That’s what I got more so than “Flamenco.” I wish they had started in the water and then ended on the dance floor. The beginning, before the disrobing, was really strong and pretty cool. Then, when they went up and danced in the water, it just seemed anticlimactic. Part of that was probably because they didn’t have much room to move around. On the plus side, Val looks pretty good in a tiny bathing suit.

Bruno thinks that Kelly was upstaged by Val and his Speedo. He thought that there wasn’t enough exact placement with Kelly’s arms. Carrie Ann agrees with me and says that Kelly and Val basically did a paso doble and there wasn’t enough Flamenco. Hold on a second! Wasn’t Carrie Ann the one who said LAST WEEK that sometimes you have to take risks when Derek, Shawn, and Mark didn’t have much samba in their routine? Fuck off, Carrie Ann! Len says that, if this dance was poker (I thought he said “polka” at first and got kind of confused), Kelly and Val went all in. Len is all about the soundbites tonight.

Score:
Carrie Ann – 8
Len – 9
Bruno – 8.5
25.5/30
They have the lowest score for the first round.

It’s time for round two. The couples will be dancing to songs from Michael Jackson’s “Bad” album. This should be fun. The music from “Bad” is a great theme. It’s way better than “just be stupid.

 
This is literally called “Bad” and it’s not the worst thing of the night. Think about that, producers!

I do have a confession to make. Michael Jackson was my first favorite singer ever! I was 8-years-old when “Dangerous” was released. I heard the song “Black or White” on the radio and I became obsessed with Michael Jackson. After that moment, I was hooked. I still listen to him all the time. He just seemed to be one of those artists that everyone agreed on. So, yeah, I’m loving this second theme!

First, Melissa and Tony are performing an Argentine Tango to “Dirty Diana.” Yay! I love Argentine Tango time! Melissa is excited for this dance because it will let her vent her frustrations. Melissa talks for a bit about being the only one left who hasn’t won a mirror ball trophy yet. She says that it gives her a little extra push to work hard. She doesn’t want to lose again. 

Oh! Michael Jackson’s mom Katherine is there! That’s really nice. I’m not even going to snark on that. It must be nice of her to see that her son is still relevant and loved even though he’s passed away. I’m sure that would make any parent feel good. (*Sappy moment over.*)

Holy shit, that was sexy! Tony and Melissa don’t have the raw chemistry that Val and Kelly have, but dammit if they can’t fake it! I’m really happy that the DWTS band isn’t singing these songs. That would have been terrible. There really is nothing to say. That was hot and just flat out impressive!

Len says that he would be disappointed if Melissa gets kicked off tonight. Bruno calls Melissa dirty and wicked. I think he means it in a good way. He thinks Melissa deserves to be in the finals. Carrie Ann wants to introduce Dirty Diana to Magnificent Melissa. That sounds like a porn in the  making. 

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Bruno – 10
Len – 10
30/30

Shawn and Derek are also dancing an Argentine Tango. Shawn can barely keep a straight face when she says, “We might not make the finals.” Shut up, Shawn. She and Derek could go out on the dance floor, play a game of Ring Around the Rosie, and still get to the finals…and probably even win. Len would call them on it, Derek’s fans would be pissed, and then they’d all vote for him. Carrie Ann would probably just call it “taking a risk.” 

Meh. That’s exactly what I thought of that dance. Derek always seems to do the same thing when he choreographs an Argentine Tango. His partner does a lot of posing while he lifts them up and dances around them. It just didn’t have the same impact that Melissa and Tony’s dance did.

Bruno liked that Derek and Shawn went for geometry – lines, shapes, etc. Carrie Ann says what we’ve all been saying all season – Shawn performed the choreography perfectly, but there was no passion and drama. Len thinks that Shawn and Derek had both style and substance. I hate Len and Bruno for making me agree with Carrie Ann.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 10
Bruno – 10
29/30 

Apolo and Karina are preforming a rumba for their second dance. I wish they were all performing an Argentine Tango. I always thought that was a semi-finals thing. I guess it would be hard to find five songs from one album that would work for the same dance. I just always feel like the Argentine Tango is inherently more powerful and impressive than a lot of the other dances. Personally, if I saw a rumba and an Argentine Tango performed back to back, I’d probably like the tango better just because it involves a lot of lifts and more intricate movements. Maybe that’s just me. 

That was just straight up pretty. I didn’t care for the super romantic almost-kiss ending. That’s mainly because of the song. The song is about making a change in yourself in order to change the world. It’s not really a romantic love song. However, I think the powerful message in the song really helped the dance. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I never cared for Karina’s personality. However, the woman knows how to choreograph in a way that makes her partner look amazing. This dance let Karina do what she does best.

That dance melted Carrie Ann’s heart. Len calls the dance the sea – there is wave after wave of effortless motion. Bruno wants Apolo to get down on it. I don’t think that Bruno is talking about anything dance-related.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 10
Len – 10
Bruno – 10
30/30

Emmitt and Cheryl are performing a tango…just a regular tango. Emmitt’s feeling the pressure. That’s pretty much all we get from the rehearsal footage. Emmitt has to be better. He might be the most boring person on the entire show. 

That was another dance that left me feeling kind of neutral. It just didn’t have the passion that a lot of the other dances had. Emmitt is so hit and miss this season. He’s either really great or just kind of OK. This was one of his “kind of OK” nights. 

Len thinks that Emmitt had the biggest challenge tonight – he had to do a traditional ballroom tango that has very strict rules. He thinks that Emmitt coped well with two dances so far outside his comfort zone. Bruno thinks Emmitt was intense, but wishes the footwork was a little more exact. Carrie Ann thinks Emmitt brought his A-game this week, but also feels the footwork wasn’t exact enough.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9
Len – 9
Bruno – 9
27/30
I think that was a little over-scored as Emmitt’s dances tend to be – not by a lot, but just a bit. I would have put that more at an 8.5. It definitely wasn’t better than Apolo’s first dance.

Holy shit! I finally got to see the George Takei Old Navy commercial. I love that man more than words can say! Can we please just go ahead and declare him a national treasure already?

And can we please make this a real product?

We get a little montage of the walking sex that is Kelly and Val. They’re dancing the rumba. I’m worried that this will be the night that the two of them will just give up and actually fuck on the dance floor. As Karina said, the rumba is “the dance of love.” I hope we keep this night PG. Kelly talks about being embarrassed the first time she won DWTS. She wasn’t the best dancer and she was called out on her win. She’s happy that she knows how to dance now and is proving that she really can do this.  

That was a bit weird. With all the natural chemistry those two have, I didn’t really see it in this dance. We know they can bring that to their dances – remember the contemporary routine? That was the definition of chemistry. I just didn’t see it this time.

Bruno calls the dance smoldering and says it was driven by desire and lussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssT! He saw the chemistry that I didn’t. Carrie Ann thinks that it was beautiful, but some of the movements were clipped. I think she said clipped. I hope that’s a dance term. Len just heaps more praise on the dance. No one really had any criticism of the dance. Maybe the chemistry of that dance didn’t come through on camera.

Scores:
Carrie Ann – 9.5
Len – 9.5
Bruno – 9.5
28.5/30