By PennyDreadful | Thursday, June 14, 2012 | 2:00 pm | 40 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Eden's World, Recaps

Well, hello Miss Merman!

Howdy, Gasmii! 

Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through this — experience.  That’s the only word I can think of that won’t get me thrown off the Gasm. . .  As a reward, I have a recap that’s jampacked with fun!

First off, I have a surprise for you!  My fellow recapper DearCrabby and I have written a very special Dear TVGasm:  Pageant Edition, which will be up on the Gasm starting next Monday (July 18).  We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it! 

We’ll get to the ep in a moment, but first a special feature – let’s talk Sparkle Babies with Lisa Ling. It opened with those charming, soft, Southern phrases that are Shparkle’s trademark:

Thas my babee!

As I mentioned in the Minicap, we saw one of our T&T emcees.

Like him.  But he’s the Divisional Princess to Mr. Todd’s Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Much of the ep took place at one of Shparkle’s Cutie Patootie pageants which opens with – oh yeah – that klassic Cutie Patootie, shrieked by our very own Eden – on a recording, to which the real-life Eden could not properly lip sync.  And so her drag career crumbles to dust.

Sashay away.

The pageant was part of a pageant coaching course Shparkle was teaching.

And yes, the monkey in the back was part of the pageant.  OK, not really.  But wouldn’t that be just so cool if it were? Cause monkeys SO do a kicka-s Outfit of Choice.

The rest of the show took place at the Hog Wild pageant.  Many years ago there was an urban legend that a rich silver baron, whose last name was Hogg, had named his daughters Ima and Ura.  Actually there was an Ima Hogg (but, sadly, no Ura).  I like to think Ima would have enjoyed a pageant called Hog Wild.

Let’s listen in to the wit and wisdom of Shparkle, shall we?

Ise uh pageent expurt.  Didja see muh cap is so shparklee?  Hic. 

On finances:  She’s spent “$100,000″ on pageants in 6 years.   And where’s the return on her investment? Oh right.  There isn’t one.

On costumes: “There’s not anything I put my daughter in that I thought was inappropriate”.  Of course you didn’t think it was inappropriate, no pageant mother does. 

On her hometown:  “I come from a town with 566 people”.  All of whom are doubtless related.

On beauty:  Shparkle claims that the world runs on beauty, she’s just living in that world.  The world I live in is run by money – more precisely, an oligarchy that is the real power in every country.  (I studied Economics, can you tell?  And don’t get me started on the Illuminati or Skull & Bones.  ‘Cause I’ve also studied conspiracy theories.  Well, “study” as in read everything on the internet.  But I digress).

I have to say Shparkle actually did have some useful comments on pageant dresses and such (FYI, socks must be white to match the white shoes!)  So props there.  But not for including Cutabitch in the team at the pageant.  Boo!

So basically the ep was Lisa seeing things we’re all inured to from our T&T/Eden watching, and being appropriately shocked.  Whatevs.  No new ground there.

By the way, if you want to live tweet during T&T, look for #ToddlersandTiaras on Twitter.  We tweet during the East Coast feed (7 PM on the West Coast).  Come and join us, our group is always growing!

On to our ep, and I must say it filled me with a misty-eyed sense of nostalgia.  HAHAHAHAHAH

We open by meeting Rosie, age 6, from Indianapolis.  Rosie wants to be a superstar.  She says Eden is her favorite singer and actor.  And no, she didn’t say “singer” and “actor” with finger quotes.  Of course, she is 6.  She also really needs to get off the speed, or the coke, or whatever the hell is making her soincrediblyunfocusedtalkingandjumpingaroundallthetimesomeonegiveheravalium!

Take a damn breath!

Rosie demos her singing and dancing talents for the E-Team.  Those consist of her saying “do do do” while making motions that make Elaine Benes look like freaking Pavlova. 

The dancer, not the dessert.

 

Rather more inert.

Shparkle tells Rosie’s mom, Marianne, that they need to take Rosie’s “high energy” and focus it.  Shparkle is going to give Rosie Eden’s new song, Dream Big, to sing at the upcoming pageant.  Bad song + untalented child = recipe for guaranteed success.

By the way, mom, dermatologists are probably covered in your health plan.

Zipping over to NYC, Shparkle and Heather meet with a potential new publicist.  Shparkle tells Valerie, the publicist, that she doesn’t believe 90% of what Andrew says.  She asks Valerie “if we hired you right now, what would the first thing you’d do?”  Valerie doesn’t say what you and I would – “fire Heather and Cutabitch”.  Instead she says she’d make sure everyone knows about Eden’s new clothing line.  “How else is she [Eden] going to get future endorsement deals if we don’t let the press know?”  She would “target selected media” (selected = whomever is stupid enough to take her call) in the fashion world. 

Former pageant queen?  Makeup sure looks like it.

Oh, you’re calling Vogue?  Sure, Andre Leon Talley is going to totes free up space in the next issue for Eden. 

I’ll cut a bitch AND Cutabitch.

Valerie continues with the recommendation that Eden’s music “should be in the background” of whatever she does.  Well a) it already is and b) it’s not “background” music.  It’s “kill me because no amount of Excedrin Extra Strength in the world can cure the crippling headache it induces” music.  Valerie ends her short and fairly nonspecific recitation with “so many out of the box ideas” which is the cue for a drunken Shparkle to yell “Out of the box, baby! “  Heather says “You’re speaking to my heart”.  Heart or wallet?

Back in Indianapolis, Shparkle doesn’t coach Rosie (in fairness, that may not actually be possible) so she takes the kids to an arcade.  Then, Shparkle springs Eden and Rosie on the hapless patrons of the arcade snack bar.  Or maybe it’s a real bar.  If I had to go to an arcade with kids, I’d be looking for a shot or three.  Shparkle wants to see if Rosie can come through.  Eden introduces herself and Rosie and they go into Dream Big.

Someone’s holding a gun on them to get them to stay.

Here’s what Dream Big is.  It’s atonal screeching, as usual.  And it’s hip-hop.  Or rather, hip-hop as envisioned by someone from a town of 566 white people.  The song exhorts us to “dream big every day”.   I want to tell it to eff off every day.

Not you, honey.  Keep on dreamin’ on.  And try not to get so drunk you fall down in the shower again, m’kay?

Afterwards, Rosie tells us she’s going to be the biggest superstar in the world.  Not holding my breath on that one.  Also, Gaga.  Bieber.  Beyonce.  Those One Direction kids from England.

Commercial.  Have you seen those Rosetta Stone commercials?  Ever noticed no one who “speaks” a foreign language in those ads ever really speaks it with the proper accent?  Ou est la biblioteque?  See how fluent I am and I haven’t even taken their course!  Everyone knows the only things anyone needs to know in a foreign language are please, thank you, excuse me and Where is the library.  Funny story: in Paris one time (and yes, I meant that to be as obnoxiously arrogant as that sounded) I actually went to the library – the Biblioteque Nationale.  However, since I had a map I did not have to ask directions.  C’est dommage.

Votre meilleur ami a Paris.

We’re back (ou, voila!), and we return to pageant day.  The whole E-Team is there.  For once, Cutabitch isn’t overtly hostile and Andrew keeps his mouth (relatively) shut. 

Here you go, dear.  Can’t have you looking pretty, can we?

We see Rosie onstage in her Outfit of Choice.  She’s in a car.  You read that right.  Some adult decided to put a spazzy 6-year-old behind the wheel of a car.  After hearing Shparkle bellow “Yew go guurrrrlll” Rosie first “models”, then almost drives the car into the background scenery, and then for the coup de grace, comes within an inch of driving the car headfirst off the side of the stage.  Am I too horrible that I was disappointed she stopped?

Damn.  Found the brake.

Now it’s talent (I told you in the Minicap this ep was short on content) and Shparkle reminds Rosie, in a tone that sounds desperate, to stay with the beat.  Eden shares that Rosie needs to focus.  Actually, Eden shared that about a half-dozen times.  We see 2 kids doing a magic act – cool!  And now here’s Rosie, incomprehensibly garbling the lyrics.  I don’t think she’s on the beat.  I’m too busy holding my ears and rocking back and forth in a fetal position, especially when the E-Team sways to the “music” and sings along.

Doesn’t the FCC prohibit this?

Crowning now, and Rosie wins Talent Supreme.  WINS TALENT SUPREME?  Over the super cool MAGIC ACT?  And doubtless other kids who have, oh, TALENT?  I know these are bogus “pageants” and therefore rigged, but TALENT SUPREME? 

Commercial.  Good!  That gives me time to pick up the pieces of my TV screen and hot glue them back together. 

We return to Rosie declaring that we’re going to see her in the pageant world “or the circus world”.  Truer words were never spoken, little girl.  Rosie then thanks the E-Team and Eden shares she hopes she works with Rosie again.  Oh, you will, Eden.  You will.   The circus is always hiring for the freakshow.

Is that Heather in the lower left-hand corner?  Looks just like her ass.

Speaking of freakshows, we return to NYC where they’re setting up for Eden’s fashion show.  Andrew has taken it on himself to set up everything at the venue.  Shparkle shares she’s expecting “tons of press” for the “biggest event of Eden’s career”.  HOOHAHAHAHOOHAHAHA SNORT.

Andrew, stressed out, calls the models and their mothers to attention.  Eden responds by lipping off at him.  Shparkle butts in to say she’s “dealt with kids (well, one and not that well) for 25 years” and “this is a little girl’s lifetime of work” (she’s 6! unless she has an incurable disease that’s not a lifetime!) and they should “stop and enjoy the moment” (I think she means “have another boilermaker”).

The show starts, and we see all the press who have assembled.  They fill about a quarter of the screen, because there are 2 of them – and one of them is from A-List: Dallas, the first show I recapped!  (Actually a few more are in a later shot.  Not that many though).  Since Demarchelier isn’t there, I doubt the photographers are from Vogue.  The dresses costumes outfits whatever the hell they were, look to essentially be modified pageant dresses.  I’m sure Macy’s will pick this line right up. 

Here’s Eden’s little number:

Not just lace.  Purple lace.  And enough of it to fit Mr. Talley.  Plus the hair.  Is that a Bump-It gone rogue?

Afterwards, Shparkle demands to know where the press were, and Andrew replies “there were at least a dozen [reporters] here”, “6 photographers in the front row”.   Shparkle then goes into another drunken tirade; “NO NO NO!  I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday!” 

Ah ain’t gonna talk to yew unless’n yew gimme mah booze!

Andrew retorts he’s “happy the press wasn’t here, to be honest –” and just as Shparkle’s nostrils flare and she shouts “WHUT?” we go to —

Commercial.  Why “turnip truck”?  Why not “potato truck” or “dumptruck” or “pickup truck”?  Surprisingly, Johnny Carson invented that phrase (for reals!)  Just another educational tidbit from the Gasm, where you laugh – and you learn.

Returning to the ep, Heather says Andrew is responsible for getting press to their events, and he’s just not good at his job.  Inexplicably, Cutabitch gets up, yells “You know what, I’m sorry.  I’m so tired.  I don’t wanna deal with this bulls-it.  I don’t care.  My job’s done”.  As the French would say, enferme, putain!

On the hunt for another kid to hit.

Shparkle and Heather tell Andrew how hard they worked, and Andrew says he was running around too.  Time for another drunken monologue:  “In case both of you all don’t see who is standing beside you, stop now”.  I think she means Eden.  Or maybe she’s hallucinating and it’s Jesus. 

If I were there, Shparkle would be drinking a far better quality of wine.  Just sayin’.

Shparkle and Eden walk away, and Shparkle shares she’s given Andrew “chance after chance”, repeats this was the “biggest event of Eden’s career” and Andrew let them down.

Andrew, meanwhile, asks Heather “why don’t you judge the press when the press comes out? You don’t know how press at a fashion show is supposed to work.  You should think to ask  ‘Andrew how does press work for a New York fashion show’?”  Heather responds that she doesn’t think they should have to ask him that, they should have been briefed, not after the fact and with excuses.  Andrew says “you believe what you want to believe.  You only hear what you want to hear”.  Well, who doesn’t?

Over to Bella Napoli, the Pizza, Pasta and Wine establishment that Shparkle and Andrew treat like a park bench, since neither orders any food.  Shparkle says she wants to have a conversation and “put the cards on the table.  There’s a problem.  There should be this much [small gesture] strife and this much [large gesture] accomplishment” but it’s the opposite.  Andrew says he “will do whatever it takes to make Eden the best”.  Yes, we can see that.  Alienating folks at Eden’s only source of income, her faux-pageants; the parking garage book signing, and so much more – all clearly doing “whatever it takes”.

Shparkle says she’s fed up and has to step back.  She goes on to say she doesn’t know if she going to continue in a business relationship with Andrew.

Incredibly, he responds “Is that serious?”  Has this guy just forgotten the last 7 eps?  The constant shouting?  His repeated failures?  He shares that “no one treats a Sullivan this way” and goes on to say that  Heather and Cutabitch “want to skin me like last year’s Versace”. 

Maybe he meant “like Donatella Versace”.  Cause if anyone needed a face transplant . . .

He asks “Am I the problem or them?”  Shparkle responds that every one of them has a problem (but she’s not ever going to deal with the others, is she?)  Andrew says he can’t accept he’s the issue.  Shparkle responds that she’s made her mind up.

And now we get to the heart-wrenching portion of the ep.  Well, it would be if I had a heart.  Andrew, crying now,  says “So you’re done with me.  I’ve sacrificed everything for this.  Everything.  I see how much it hurts you, that’s why it hurts me”.

Didn’t Stewie do a music video about that?

Shparkle says she can’t deal with the drama and if “the piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit you go find another piece”.  I don’t.  I just cut off bits until it does fit.  Or I throw the entire puzzle away. 

Is this a piece of your brain?

Andrew gets up and says “I’m leaving.  You ruined my life and I really appreciate it.  You ruined my life, and my emotions, my inner core, everything”.  Shparkle gets up to hug him, and Andrew continues “I’ve sacrificed so much for this, for you and for your daughter”. 

Let’s compare and contrast:

Sacrificed everything.

 

Will live to gel his hair another day.

As DearCrabby mentioned in the Minicap comments, Andrew is only 23.  But still.  As Jabby says in Dance Moms, “9 year olds don’t cry”.

Shparkle then says what everyone who’s initiated a breakup has, without exception, said:  “It’s not just about you, honey”.  She then shares she’s “not sayin’ I’m through working with Andrew.  We’ll see”.  Oh good.

Our final scene takes place in another publicist’s office where Shparkle and Eden wait and kill time by reminiscing about the preceding 7 eps.  Eden says it’s great to have the E-Team there to support her.  She goes on to say she wants “to keep doing music.  Maybe I can be on a sitcom and a singer”.   Or maybe you can be appearing nightly from 7-2 at the Rhino Club.  Shparkle says “I want everything we do to be what’s best for you”, and Eden professes to be “ready for it”.  Shparkle, somewhat sappy because the most recent cocktail bottle has kicked in, says “that little girl of mine Miss Eden Wood, she just blows me away”.

I’ll blow you away some day, all right.

Ditto.

Shparkle continues, “I just sit back and I can’t believe God gave me such a perfect little girl”. 

Ah also see a purfekt lil’ bottl of geen over thurrh!

Then Eden says “watch out, America, here comes Eden Wood”.  Wasn’t this entire series a warning?  After a montage of the “triumphs” like A&M, which Shparkle specifically mentions, Eden tells us “there’s no business like show business” and this ep/season is finally —

Over!

Pages: 1 2

Named for lurid serialized stories (so like today's reality TV) that sold for a penny a copy in Victorian Britain, former National Spelling Bee finalist and multiple Science Fair award winner PennyDreadful has been writing for TVGasm since 2011, and cites MST3K as inspiration.

Follow PennyDreadful on Twitter at @kcvinweho.

 

40 Comments

  1. 1
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    So looking forward to the Dear TVGasm: Pageant Edition. I hope that this train wreck of a show is done finally.

  2. 2
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    PennyDelicious, I got to the pic of the mom and just have to say that, day-aaaaaaaamn, I’m printing that out and putting on the bathroom mirror. You know those days when you have a presentation and you wake up to find a zit the size of Rhode Island on the end of your nose? Well that pic is going to make me feel so much better. ‘Cause it could be permanent.

    Yes I’m evil. Sue me.

    And yes, the Twitter T&T is almost too much fun. Of course my typing finger will drop off. See ya there! Twit — no– tweet ya there!

  3. 3
    gun kata
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Poor Eden. Is anyone around her who knows how to do their jobs?

    I haven’t seen this episode, but Andrew … calm down! Call that other girl you fired (or hopefully just said you fired) and beg your way back into her good graces.

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    “Ise uh pageent expurt.  Didja see muh cap is so shparklee?  Hic.”

    BWAHAHAHAhahahachucklesnickergigglegiggleHIC! Too funny, and I just started! 

    Okay, back to reading. Can’t wait for the collaboration! BTW is it June or July 18th? Either way count me in!

  5. 5
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Yay! An Elaine Dance reference! I do a mean impression, I must say, LOL.

    Okay, focus, Amy! Read on!

  6. 6
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Gotta love dear ole schparkle… Andrew might be a total dipsh!t, but he does seem to have half a brain in his skull, by what I’ve read, so he’s a rockstar compared to the rest of the “e team”…

  7. 7
    PennyDreadful
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Sorry! It’s June 18 for Dear TVGasm: Pageant Edition!

  8. 8
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Oh. Gawwwwwwd! What is Spchrkle doing now that the season is over?

    How ’bout a preview of the Gasmi pageant edition. Do we need to get all blinged up? I have to plan a trip to Michaels for Sworoff-ski diamonds (lite).

    Gonna miss ya, pennyD!!

    What’s next beyond the extravaganza?

  9. 9
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Ooh ooh I’m in on the shparkly party! I’ll just go down to my local dollar store and pick up a real-genuine-authentic-piece of high quality silver-painted plastic with dazzling-Elmer’s glued-on-paste-stones! Yee haw!

  10. 10
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    I can attemp to fit into one of my granddaughter’s dresses for the occasion (I am slim, but she is waaaay slimmer) but I can’t promise it will be pretty. Lol.

  11. 11
    April
    Posted June 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Andrew was unprofessional as hell to break up with a client over the phone last week so I guess karma is a bitch and now he is fired. Of course I think the whole thing is scripted as hell.

    I loved Rosie. She was a fun kid. I think I would prefer Rosie’s world to Eden’s World, just saying. That kid had spunk and was not a trained poodle yet like they have done with Eden.

    Mickie was really drunk this episode. When she screamed “WHAT!!!” I was like did she really just make that sound? Damn!

    Loved the recap!

  12. 12
    Bluedog
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 1:44 am

    Funniest one yet Penny. I nearly pissed myself laughing (pissed is a versatile word here in Aus) which would have been a disaster since I am in bed with the flu. Can’t wait to download this one. Poor Andrew maybe he can get a real job now.

  13. 13
    gun kata
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Bluedog… feel better. Super bunny (that means a rabbit…so cute) sends you a hug. And bunny hugs are medicinal.

    April… good point about Andrew. He is repping VictAng now. They actually have a marketable skill. Though Angel did wear a hat once not an Edenesque fascinator, but still. Spharkle should send Eden to Stars or Abby or Billy Jean’s Rebel Yell Dance Academy or, like, school. SOMETHING SPARKLE!

    Oh my Lord, and someone to teach her to sing. Even a choir director at church would be able to help her improve since they can usually tell singing from screeching. And if they ask you to Praise the Lord without having sounds emitting from your mouth during the choirs’ songs, you know for an absolute fact that you cannot sing! (And they do this for free.)

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Get well quickly, BlueD! I can’t imagine watching Edna’s World (Sorry, but she’ll fit the name when she’s 40) while sick. Ick. Being sick is bad enough.

  15. 15
    Bluedog
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Thank you GunK and Snow. It is winter here which means warm days and freezing nights so it is flu season. Especially thank you for the bunny hug. Rabbits are banned here in Queensland as they are considered vermin. It is a $50,000 fine if you are caught with one and I would soooooo love to have a pet bunny. However, we do share our piece of Aus with 3 dogs (hence the name Bluedog after our aussie cattle dog), a pony, 6 ducks and an assortment of native snakes, spiders, birds, and lizards with whom we live in harmony.

    If you are ever coming over here we have spare rooms. The snakes and spiders stay outside.

    I am feeling much better now because I just had a win on ebay. My other obsession apart from tvgasm.

  16. 16
    gun kata
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Bluedog, OMG… shocking news about da bunnies. I have a boy and a girl, not fixed. They’d probably arrest me. I keep them separated, so they are still only two bunnies. Also, they stay indoors. They each have their own little home. When I let the girl out to play, she will sit in front of the boy’s home (she has finally accepted she can’t get into it) and he’ll share his hay with her.

    You have a pony? Adorable!

    Er… working Eden into this… someone took some photos of her carrying around chickens and so forth. This was an actual photo assignment for a catalog. But, Spharkle ought to have gone back and gotten the same photographer since her photos showed a lot of expression and variety.

  17. 17
    gun kata
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 6:28 am

    It would be nice to visit Australia … maybe I could say da bunny boy is a very small bear.

    I am still marveling at the fact the glitz pageants were run out of the country there. Heh. But, I am sure Spharkle scared everyone. Too bad that didn’t make her think twice about treating her daughter like a doll. She should just buy an elaborate doll to play with and let Eden be normal.

  18. 18
    Bluedog
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Ah………..good ol ebay where we will soon be able to buy the Eden Wood Fashion Collection starting at 99 cents.

  19. 19
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 6:45 am

    “Am I too horrible that I was disappointed she stopped” (Rosie almost driving off the stage). Penny, I’m still chuckling over that one!!!! And no, you are not horrible- I too thought it would have been hilarious!

    The picture of the Menendez brothers made me fall of my chair laughing. You truly have a gift to speak my thoughts!

    Anywhoo, good luck to Spharkle and Company. perhaps Eden could get a job in the back of a truck singing Cutie Patootie to, oh I don’t know, Hogs?

  20. 20
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 7:01 am

    I dug into my trunk of junk and found a rhinestone tiara I had when I was a kid for Halloween many, many years ago of course :-) and some of my late mom’s rhinestone jewerly I’m ready for June 18th. Do I need a flipper you think or can I get away with out it?

  21. 21
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 7:17 am

    PennyD, it is amazing how you are tuned into our collective conscious. Your comments and pix so reflect what I’ve been thinking.

    Okay. Now get out of my head please.

    Until the 18th.

  22. 22
    PennyDreadful
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Just reminding everyone, please check out page 2 of this recap too! Some odd pagination so it looks like the cap ends on page 1 – but there’s more! I will be wearing a super sparkly tiara and waving a sparkly wand (birthday presents – after I became an adult!) on Monday along with you all. Love ya!

  23. 23
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    @PennyDreadful OMG June 18′s Sir Paul McCartney’s 70th birthday! Dear Gasm Pageant Edition is the perfect way to celebrate it! And get us out of the post Jubilee letdown doldrums.

    @April the problem is all this poodle’s been trained to do is hold still while it gets its fur did.

    @gun kata She does need to send her somewhere. I’d vote for school except she can’t read. If only there was some kind of profession where people got trained to work with kids that got behind with school subjects for whatever reason..

    Oh well. Somebody like that would probably charge close to the price of a whole cupcake dress just for a couple of months anyway.

    I actually do feel sorry for her. I wish Shparkle would sober up enough to listen to herself. The 1st comment I made about this show was how she ought to be thankful for having a cute and normal little girl. And quit trying to turn her into a meal ticket something she’s not.

    I know there’s a lot of stuff Shparkle won’t ever understand. But the saddest 1 is that what if Eden was all above average intelligent and talented? No matter how plain she learned to talk, Shparkle wouldn’t understand a thing that came out of her mouth. Any more than we do now. And trying to think of even a few minute’s worth of things to say to Shparkle would the hardest job Eden ever had. And it’d be like that for their whole lives.

  24. 24
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    I have not seen an actual episode of this trainwreck (er… Show), but if the recaps are even close to accurate (and they normally are), I weep for this poor child. The first time I saw Eden on t&t, I thought she was cute. I got the feeling that she really enjoyed pageants, and if so, great. Mom seemed, um, overbearing, but whatever. The more they showed her, the worse mom got. I get homeschooling, but apparently someone forgot to tell Mickie that that means you actually have to TEACH your child! Short of a learning disability (such as dyslexia– in which case EVERYTHING else needs to take a back seat to work through it), there is zero excuse for a homeschooled child approaching 7 to not be able to read. My own kids were early readers (my oldest at not-quite-3, and my youngest at 4) so I get that my perspective us somewhat skewed, but most mid-6-year-olds can read SOME, right? You want your kid on broadway, but she can’t sing, can’t dance, seems to have little/no acting ability… What you have is a trained parrot. And the people “representing” her are even worse. I truly hope logo takes this off the air ao Eden can go to school. I read an interview recently where Andrew claimed that the only “haters” of the show were gay people who didn’t want it on “their” network, because it’s not a “gay” show. I have news for you, Andrew– it’s soooooo much more than that!

  25. 25
    gun kata
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Most people in my first grade class could not read our first day of school. EVERYONE could read well before our last day of school. We were all younger than Eden. O.k., there were some kids who needed a lot of extra help and she had them reading, too.

  26. 26
    gun kata
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Kthxbai, unfortunately Spharkle being a “teacher” (in her mind novel anyway) will not hire a tutor to get Eden up to speed. I am not too sure how smart Eden is, but back to my first grade class… only a few kids had very much trouble. Most picked it up… well, I don’t exactly know how fast because I was busy reading… but, I don’t remember spending that long as a class before we went from “learning to read” to “reading.” Also, we learned some other useful things. I think kids learn reading in kindergarten now, but some first grade program might take her. I think by her age she’s a second grader, but unless things have changed you have to be able to read (and so forth) to get into second grade.

  27. 27
    Red_Rabbit
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    I keep having to remind myself that Eden is 7, her development is more like a slow 5-year-old.

    Having watched this series and a few episodes of T&T it seems like most of the girls are stunted in some way. They’re trained to obsess over a single warped standard of beauty while not developing any real skills (I don’t consider walking, turning and fake-smiling to be actual skills). Those that do have real talent (like Franshitty’s daughter and her gymnastics) have it berated out of them. Sad.

    The girl who did the sign language to Amazing Grace, how old was she, 10? 12? Sorry, but doing sign language to cheesy songs is what choirs of 4-6 year-olds do. If you’re older than that and still doing it (and you’re not a professional ASL translator) it’s just embarrassing.

    “Andrew was unprofessional as hell to break up with a client over the phone last week so I guess karma is a bitch and now he is fired. Of course I think the whole thing is scripted as hell.”

    I’m pretty sure he was a plant from Logo. I doubt he’s a real publicist because his behavior was appalling. That said, he was still more knowledgeable of the entertainment business than Schmickie, Franshitty and Heatherfrump combined. Of course, that’s like saying gonorrhea is better than syphilis.

    Penny, good luck with your new assignment! Can’t wait to read it!

  28. 28
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted June 15, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    The whole show is just….. Sad. Eden is a cute kid (if they’d stop dressing her like miss kitty and stop making her up like a 2-bit hooker, by the screen shots), and I get that all patents want to think their child is extraordinary…. The fact is…. She’s not. And that’s okay. Let her be 7! Let her go to school, have friends, play soccer, host tea parties with her dolls, sing along with her Justin bieber cd and be terrible at it; heck– let het do pageants if she loves it like it seems she does. For the love of all that is good and right in this world, stop doing THIS!!! Or in short order, that “college fund” will be spent on therapy!

  29. 29
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

    @Pageant-grandma: Yes, yes she really does look like a pint-sized prostitute in every episode. As someone (probably several someones) have mentioned, the kid needs to be in a hoodie and jeans with her natural kiddie complexion if she wants to even be CONSIDERED for real jobs. Although the lack of talent will probably kill that dream, anyway.

    I went on a tirade an ep or so ago about this poor kid and HER needs. Shparkle needs to give Eden to some close relatives (if they have any on speaking terms) that will treat her like a kid and let her BE a kid, as you pointed out. Ugh.

  30. 30
    ash1
    Posted June 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Rosie did exactly what Eden does and they lookd at her like “who is this talentless kid?” Classic. Now if she can just learn to sing mumbly and off-key, we won’t be able to tell them apart. Thank god this mess is over.

  31. 31
    talk it then
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Just a FYI.. there is no college fund… She is as broke as a joke.. The poor kid will have nothing along with her parents. Now Mickie,, we know you have wasted all your money on yourself.. If the child goes back to school she will be made fun of so the best thing for Mickie to do is to hire her a professional to come in and teach her what she should already know.. do you think you can do this Mickie.. we know you have nothing.. you are a worthless drunk… you are too busy trying to get fame for yourself thats why your poor little girl is suffering now.

  32. 32
    gun kata
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 4:48 am

    If Mickie would go online and search for tutoring that was free, she would definitely find some places to help get Eden up to speed educationally. Mickie really needs to do this.

  33. 33
    Snarky Shark
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    According to Andrew’s personal Facebook page, he’s still Eden’s manager. The video link on his wall alludes to a possible movie deal??!?! WTF? How? With what talent?

    https://www.facebook.com/andrew.sull

  34. 34
    Lindsey Isabelles Mo
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Isabelle won Mini Supreme at this pageant!

  35. 35
    Bluedog
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Lindsay more details please! How bad was it – except of course the win by Isabelle.

  36. 36
    alice carroll
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 5:57 am

    the lastest is that heather jumped the e-team ship and is taking over and controlof edens old facebook and website account and has found another child to care for….ahhh the drama!!!

  37. 37
    talk it then
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 8:50 am

    FYI, Heather has always been in control of Eden’s facebook.. Heather is the one that has promoted this little girl, got her over 65,000 fans and followers. From what I have seen this ship is about sunk though.. Heather and Andrew cannot get along and will not get along, looks like Heather has picked up some new clients and brought back the ones she had before and making things happen for them which is very interesting.. Whats old Sparkle going to do now.. She fired Andrew and Heather is moving on.. Poor old drunk, with a child that cannot read,, what a shame!!! Now is your chance Mickey,, do the right thing and get that kid in school.

  38. 38
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 20, 2012 at 9:40 am

    I have a great drinking game! We go back through all the recaps and comments for this blighted show and take a teensy sip of a favorite beverage every time one of us has suggested pulling Edith out of this mess and/or getting her into a school of some (legitimate) sort with a tutor.

    One teensy sip per reference and we’d all be gazotzed by the third epi.

    Wish, however that Mockery read us. If only to save her little Edith. Oh, and to change her name to something less, um, pornographic.

  39. 39
    Snarky Shark
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Looks like Heather deleted Eden’s Facebook page, Andrew’s Facebook page says he’s still Eden’s manager and FranSoLonely is still a bitch. The professionalism is astounding!

    Oh the drama!

  40. 40
    alice carroll
    Posted June 26, 2012 at 4:44 am

    the pic here with eden looking like shes going axe mommy and daddy in their sleep is creepy..which would make a great movie…EVIL EDEN….REVENGE OF A CHILD STAR.. RATED R..!!!

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