Well, hello Miss Merman!
Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through this — experience. That’s the only word I can think of that won’t get me thrown off the Gasm. . . As a reward, I have a recap that’s jampacked with fun!
First off, I have a surprise for you! My fellow recapper DearCrabby and I have written a very special Dear TVGasm: Pageant Edition, which will be up on the Gasm starting next Monday (July 18). We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it!
We’ll get to the ep in a moment, but first a special feature – let’s talk Sparkle Babies with Lisa Ling. It opened with those charming, soft, Southern phrases that are Shparkle’s trademark:
Thas my babee!
As I mentioned in the Minicap, we saw one of our T&T emcees.
Like him. But he’s the Divisional Princess to Mr. Todd’s Ultimate Grand Supreme.
Much of the ep took place at one of Shparkle’s Cutie Patootie pageants which opens with – oh yeah – that klassic Cutie Patootie, shrieked by our very own Eden – on a recording, to which the real-life Eden could not properly lip sync. And so her drag career crumbles to dust.
The pageant was part of a pageant coaching course Shparkle was teaching.
And yes, the monkey in the back was part of the pageant. OK, not really. But wouldn’t that be just so cool if it were? Cause monkeys SO do a kicka-s Outfit of Choice.
The rest of the show took place at the Hog Wild pageant. Many years ago there was an urban legend that a rich silver baron, whose last name was Hogg, had named his daughters Ima and Ura. Actually there was an Ima Hogg (but, sadly, no Ura). I like to think Ima would have enjoyed a pageant called Hog Wild.
Let’s listen in to the wit and wisdom of Shparkle, shall we?
Ise uh pageent expurt. Didja see muh cap is so shparklee? Hic.
On finances: She’s spent “$100,000″ on pageants in 6 years. And where’s the return on her investment? Oh right. There isn’t one.
On costumes: “There’s not anything I put my daughter in that I thought was inappropriate”. Of course you didn’t think it was inappropriate, no pageant mother does.
On her hometown: “I come from a town with 566 people”. All of whom are doubtless related.
On beauty: Shparkle claims that the world runs on beauty, she’s just living in that world. The world I live in is run by money – more precisely, an oligarchy that is the real power in every country. (I studied Economics, can you tell? And don’t get me started on the Illuminati or Skull & Bones. ‘Cause I’ve also studied conspiracy theories. Well, “study” as in read everything on the internet. But I digress).
I have to say Shparkle actually did have some useful comments on pageant dresses and such (FYI, socks must be white to match the white shoes!) So props there. But not for including Cutabitch in the team at the pageant. Boo!
So basically the ep was Lisa seeing things we’re all inured to from our T&T/Eden watching, and being appropriately shocked. Whatevs. No new ground there.
By the way, if you want to live tweet during T&T, look for #ToddlersandTiaras on Twitter. We tweet during the East Coast feed (7 PM on the West Coast). Come and join us, our group is always growing!
On to our ep, and I must say it filled me with a misty-eyed sense of nostalgia. HAHAHAHAHAH
We open by meeting Rosie, age 6, from Indianapolis. Rosie wants to be a superstar. She says Eden is her favorite singer and actor. And no, she didn’t say “singer” and “actor” with finger quotes. Of course, she is 6. She also really needs to get off the speed, or the coke, or whatever the hell is making her soincrediblyunfocusedtalkingandjumpingaroundallthetimesomeonegiveheravalium!
Take a damn breath!
Rosie demos her singing and dancing talents for the E-Team. Those consist of her saying “do do do” while making motions that make Elaine Benes look like freaking Pavlova.
The dancer, not the dessert.
Rather more inert.
Shparkle tells Rosie’s mom, Marianne, that they need to take Rosie’s “high energy” and focus it. Shparkle is going to give Rosie Eden’s new song, Dream Big, to sing at the upcoming pageant. Bad song + untalented child = recipe for guaranteed success.
By the way, mom, dermatologists are probably covered in your health plan.
Zipping over to NYC, Shparkle and Heather meet with a potential new publicist. Shparkle tells Valerie, the publicist, that she doesn’t believe 90% of what Andrew says. She asks Valerie “if we hired you right now, what would the first thing you’d do?” Valerie doesn’t say what you and I would – “fire Heather and Cutabitch”. Instead she says she’d make sure everyone knows about Eden’s new clothing line. “How else is she [Eden] going to get future endorsement deals if we don’t let the press know?” She would “target selected media” (selected = whomever is stupid enough to take her call) in the fashion world.
Former pageant queen? Makeup sure looks like it.
Oh, you’re calling Vogue? Sure, Andre Leon Talley is going to totes free up space in the next issue for Eden.
I’ll cut a bitch AND Cutabitch.
Valerie continues with the recommendation that Eden’s music “should be in the background” of whatever she does. Well a) it already is and b) it’s not “background” music. It’s “kill me because no amount of Excedrin Extra Strength in the world can cure the crippling headache it induces” music. Valerie ends her short and fairly nonspecific recitation with “so many out of the box ideas” which is the cue for a drunken Shparkle to yell “Out of the box, baby! “ Heather says “You’re speaking to my heart”. Heart or wallet?
Back in Indianapolis, Shparkle doesn’t coach Rosie (in fairness, that may not actually be possible) so she takes the kids to an arcade. Then, Shparkle springs Eden and Rosie on the hapless patrons of the arcade snack bar. Or maybe it’s a real bar. If I had to go to an arcade with kids, I’d be looking for a shot or three. Shparkle wants to see if Rosie can come through. Eden introduces herself and Rosie and they go into Dream Big.
Someone’s holding a gun on them to get them to stay.
Here’s what Dream Big is. It’s atonal screeching, as usual. And it’s hip-hop. Or rather, hip-hop as envisioned by someone from a town of 566 white people. The song exhorts us to “dream big every day”. I want to tell it to eff off every day.
Not you, honey. Keep on dreamin’ on. And try not to get so drunk you fall down in the shower again, m’kay?
Afterwards, Rosie tells us she’s going to be the biggest superstar in the world. Not holding my breath on that one. Also, Gaga. Bieber. Beyonce. Those One Direction kids from England.
Commercial. Have you seen those Rosetta Stone commercials? Ever noticed no one who “speaks” a foreign language in those ads ever really speaks it with the proper accent? Ou est la biblioteque? See how fluent I am and I haven’t even taken their course! Everyone knows the only things anyone needs to know in a foreign language are please, thank you, excuse me and Where is the library. Funny story: in Paris one time (and yes, I meant that to be as obnoxiously arrogant as that sounded) I actually went to the library – the Biblioteque Nationale. However, since I had a map I did not have to ask directions. C’est dommage.
Votre meilleur ami a Paris.
We’re back (ou, voila!), and we return to pageant day. The whole E-Team is there. For once, Cutabitch isn’t overtly hostile and Andrew keeps his mouth (relatively) shut.
Here you go, dear. Can’t have you looking pretty, can we?
We see Rosie onstage in her Outfit of Choice. She’s in a car. You read that right. Some adult decided to put a spazzy 6-year-old behind the wheel of a car. After hearing Shparkle bellow “Yew go guurrrrlll” Rosie first “models”, then almost drives the car into the background scenery, and then for the coup de grace, comes within an inch of driving the car headfirst off the side of the stage. Am I too horrible that I was disappointed she stopped?
Damn. Found the brake.
Now it’s talent (I told you in the Minicap this ep was short on content) and Shparkle reminds Rosie, in a tone that sounds desperate, to stay with the beat. Eden shares that Rosie needs to focus. Actually, Eden shared that about a half-dozen times. We see 2 kids doing a magic act – cool! And now here’s Rosie, incomprehensibly garbling the lyrics. I don’t think she’s on the beat. I’m too busy holding my ears and rocking back and forth in a fetal position, especially when the E-Team sways to the “music” and sings along.
Doesn’t the FCC prohibit this?
Crowning now, and Rosie wins Talent Supreme. WINS TALENT SUPREME? Over the super cool MAGIC ACT? And doubtless other kids who have, oh, TALENT? I know these are bogus “pageants” and therefore rigged, but TALENT SUPREME?
Commercial. Good! That gives me time to pick up the pieces of my TV screen and hot glue them back together.
We return to Rosie declaring that we’re going to see her in the pageant world “or the circus world”. Truer words were never spoken, little girl. Rosie then thanks the E-Team and Eden shares she hopes she works with Rosie again. Oh, you will, Eden. You will. The circus is always hiring for the freakshow.
Is that Heather in the lower left-hand corner? Looks just like her ass.
Speaking of freakshows, we return to NYC where they’re setting up for Eden’s fashion show. Andrew has taken it on himself to set up everything at the venue. Shparkle shares she’s expecting “tons of press” for the “biggest event of Eden’s career”. HOOHAHAHAHOOHAHAHA SNORT.
Andrew, stressed out, calls the models and their mothers to attention. Eden responds by lipping off at him. Shparkle butts in to say she’s “dealt with kids (well, one and not that well) for 25 years” and “this is a little girl’s lifetime of work” (she’s 6! unless she has an incurable disease that’s not a lifetime!) and they should “stop and enjoy the moment” (I think she means “have another boilermaker”).
The show starts, and we see all the press who have assembled. They fill about a quarter of the screen, because there are 2 of them – and one of them is from A-List: Dallas, the first show I recapped! (Actually a few more are in a later shot. Not that many though). Since Demarchelier isn’t there, I doubt the photographers are from Vogue. The
dresses costumes outfits whatever the hell they were, look to essentially be modified pageant dresses. I’m sure Macy’s will pick this line right up.
Here’s Eden’s little number:
Not just lace. Purple lace. And enough of it to fit Mr. Talley. Plus the hair. Is that a Bump-It gone rogue?
Afterwards, Shparkle demands to know where the press were, and Andrew replies “there were at least a dozen [reporters] here”, “6 photographers in the front row”. Shparkle then goes into another drunken tirade; “NO NO NO! I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday!”
Ah ain’t gonna talk to yew unless’n yew gimme mah booze!
Andrew retorts he’s “happy the press wasn’t here, to be honest –” and just as Shparkle’s nostrils flare and she shouts “WHUT?” we go to —
Commercial. Why “turnip truck”? Why not “potato truck” or “dumptruck” or “pickup truck”? Surprisingly, Johnny Carson invented that phrase (for reals!) Just another educational tidbit from the Gasm, where you laugh – and you learn.
Returning to the ep, Heather says Andrew is responsible for getting press to their events, and he’s just not good at his job. Inexplicably, Cutabitch gets up, yells “You know what, I’m sorry. I’m so tired. I don’t wanna deal with this bulls-it. I don’t care. My job’s done”. As the French would say, enferme, putain!
On the hunt for another kid to hit.
Shparkle and Heather tell Andrew how hard they worked, and Andrew says he was running around too. Time for another drunken monologue: “In case both of you all don’t see who is standing beside you, stop now”. I think she means Eden. Or maybe she’s hallucinating and it’s Jesus.
If I were there, Shparkle would be drinking a far better quality of wine. Just sayin’.
Shparkle and Eden walk away, and Shparkle shares she’s given Andrew “chance after chance”, repeats this was the “biggest event of Eden’s career” and Andrew let them down.
Andrew, meanwhile, asks Heather “why don’t you judge the press when the press comes out? You don’t know how press at a fashion show is supposed to work. You should think to ask ‘Andrew how does press work for a New York fashion show’?” Heather responds that she doesn’t think they should have to ask him that, they should have been briefed, not after the fact and with excuses. Andrew says “you believe what you want to believe. You only hear what you want to hear”. Well, who doesn’t?
Over to Bella Napoli, the Pizza, Pasta and Wine establishment that Shparkle and Andrew treat like a park bench, since neither orders any food. Shparkle says she wants to have a conversation and “put the cards on the table. There’s a problem. There should be this much [small gesture] strife and this much [large gesture] accomplishment” but it’s the opposite. Andrew says he “will do whatever it takes to make Eden the best”. Yes, we can see that. Alienating folks at Eden’s only source of income, her faux-pageants; the parking garage book signing, and so much more – all clearly doing “whatever it takes”.
Shparkle says she’s fed up and has to step back. She goes on to say she doesn’t know if she going to continue in a business relationship with Andrew.
Incredibly, he responds “Is that serious?” Has this guy just forgotten the last 7 eps? The constant shouting? His repeated failures? He shares that “no one treats a Sullivan this way” and goes on to say that Heather and Cutabitch “want to skin me like last year’s Versace”.
Maybe he meant “like Donatella Versace”. Cause if anyone needed a face transplant . . .
He asks “Am I the problem or them?” Shparkle responds that every one of them has a problem (but she’s not ever going to deal with the others, is she?) Andrew says he can’t accept he’s the issue. Shparkle responds that she’s made her mind up.
And now we get to the heart-wrenching portion of the ep. Well, it would be if I had a heart. Andrew, crying now, says “So you’re done with me. I’ve sacrificed everything for this. Everything. I see how much it hurts you, that’s why it hurts me”.
Didn’t Stewie do a music video about that?
Shparkle says she can’t deal with the drama and if “the piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit you go find another piece”. I don’t. I just cut off bits until it does fit. Or I throw the entire puzzle away.
Is this a piece of your brain?
Andrew gets up and says “I’m leaving. You ruined my life and I really appreciate it. You ruined my life, and my emotions, my inner core, everything”. Shparkle gets up to hug him, and Andrew continues “I’ve sacrificed so much for this, for you and for your daughter”.
Let’s compare and contrast:
Will live to gel his hair another day.
As DearCrabby mentioned in the Minicap comments, Andrew is only 23. But still. As Jabby says in Dance Moms, “9 year olds don’t cry”.
Shparkle then says what everyone who’s initiated a breakup has, without exception, said: “It’s not just about you, honey”. She then shares she’s “not sayin’ I’m through working with Andrew. We’ll see”. Oh good.
Our final scene takes place in another publicist’s office where Shparkle and Eden wait and kill time by reminiscing about the preceding 7 eps. Eden says it’s great to have the E-Team there to support her. She goes on to say she wants “to keep doing music. Maybe I can be on a sitcom and a singer”. Or maybe you can be appearing nightly from 7-2 at the Rhino Club. Shparkle says “I want everything we do to be what’s best for you”, and Eden professes to be “ready for it”. Shparkle, somewhat sappy because the most recent
cocktail bottle has kicked in, says “that little girl of mine Miss Eden Wood, she just blows me away”.
I’ll blow you away some day, all right.
Shparkle continues, “I just sit back and I can’t believe God gave me such a perfect little girl”.
Ah also see a purfekt lil’ bottl of geen over thurrh!
Then Eden says “watch out, America, here comes Eden Wood”. Wasn’t this entire series a warning? After a montage of the “triumphs” like A&M, which Shparkle specifically mentions, Eden tells us “there’s no business like show business” and this ep/season is finally —