Here we are again, Gasmii, ready to walk down the runway with you each week and fantastically sit in judgement of others. Life is good. We would like to take a moment to thank NBC for keeping this show to a one hour format. It could easily have been over done into a two-hour ordeal but they restrained themselves and kept it to an hour. Maybe we should be thanking Macy’s, Saks and Express because we have to imagine they have some kind of exclusivity agreement in place so NBC can’t find enough sponsors to fill the added airtime but let’s not over think things.
2 hours of Jessica Simpson? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
We couldn’t get through the opening intro without laughing folks. The announcer exclaims “Jessica Simpson, America’s favorite mom!” That can’t be true- her kids aren’t old enough to vote!
100 points to whoever can name her biggest hit song without looking it up
We have to wonder what Bitchie has to say about that title because all she got in her intro was “Best Dressed and entrepreneur” which we also know isn’t true based on her poop hat.
Who designed that hat? Let’s kick them off next
John Varvatos gets dubbed the #1 name in men’s wear and the face of fashion. We have a hard time even remembering his name, often calling him “Joe Somebody” or “Not Nick” And the “Face of Fashion” really?
The new host Louise Bulemic Horse Teeth (clearly she is trying to use her native American roots to pander to the audience- as a brit, she has not been properly schooled in American history) tells us this year the competition will be a bit different. The designers will be split into 3 teams with the stars acting as mentors. The stars meet their teams and tell them that their designs this week should be Showstoppers. Does anyone else think calling the first show ‘the showstopper’ is a bad omen? Maybe it’s just us.
Jessica’s team has;
Hunter, a southern woman whose designs have already been kicked out of Saks once. She’s here for redemption
Tori designed for Kmart for 5 years and thinks she is a shoe in to win because she knows what people want to buy- this statement is usually the kiss of death in reality so we already know she’ll be in the bottom
David doesn’t know what a two-fer is and we are sad for him
JesseRay/Garrett who are co-designers, business partners and besties! Translation: one’s always a top and the other is always a bottom
Not Nick has;
Amber who runs her business alone and actually answers her own cell phone, the horror
Cassandra, who quit her job to be able to do the show and thinks that if she wins she’ll be named a Canadian National Hero. As if that’s hard.
Sylvia has a background in Paris Haute Couture, our eyes hurt from rolling already
EEt must be purfect or zey weel not let me back in Paris
Branden who picks a not so unique idea which is automatically stolen by another designer
And Bitchie says she hand-picked;
Priscilla, aspires to be an updated version of her grandmother’s attic while wearing a condom shaped hat
She’s ready to wear
Johanna who is clearly a diminutive hispanic man in drag
Bret tells us his wife of 6 years began to hate fashion and left him. Mmhmm, we doubt she began to hate fashion as much as she hated him dating all his male models.
Please, just love me
Daniel is an overacheiver who truly believes he can do anything and is better than everyone else. Sounds like team player material.
We’re ready for the runway! Love the pace of this show!
We think the judges are ready- hard to see behind the giant desk
The 5 mentors are ready; Bitchie, Not Nick, Jessica and her 2 breasts
Not Nick’s team is up first.
Cute! And Express wants them for $175,000! This might mean a raise for the Asain sweatshop to $.05 a day
$70? Affordable but probably means no raise
No offers for the Canadian Mountie wear
Macy’s got these two-fers for $120,000
Two-fers are expensive these days!
Saks gets these for $75,000 and Sylvia gets to stay in Paris another day
We’ll stick to our sweatpants, thanks
Nicole’s team is next
Great dress for Skeletor and goes to Saks for $150,000 then Daniel gave an Oscar acceptance speech
JoMana’s showstoppers got a $55,000 offer from Macy’s
Condom head got Macy’s to offer $80,000
And no love for Bret- the buyer’s must hate fashion
Whoever has the biggest penis gets the condom hat
Team Simpson is next down the runway
A bidding war erupts over these dresses and Hunter decides she wants to be back at Saks- clearly not as spiteful as we are so she annoys us
David should have designed a place to put the sleeves after they came off because no one wants any of it.
Everyone agrees that these are dated and no one bids- Top and Bottom are sad
Nobody wants Tori’s trenchcoat- too bad Kmart can’t bid
Jessica only had 1 designer who got an offer- will she understand what it means to be a mentor or will her breasts have to step in and do the job?
Now the mentors have to decide which 2 designers go up for elimination and this is where we started to worry they would drag the show out for another hour. But they announce that Top and Bottom and Bret are the worst and the buyers send Bret home. Wow! Well, that’s what happens when a gay man tries to get into women’s pants, he needs to learn this lesson before he ruins another marriage with his “fashion”
Now you see him
Now you don’t
(Jane had way too much fun slashing the man’s face, look out!)