Food Network Star Episode 4 Recap: Fashion Plates and Platters

And, they disappear. Well not exactly, but they fall apart. Nothing says hand-crafted like a pile of fishy gloppy ball that exploded in the deep fryer.

Did someone put a condom in the fryer???

That’s McDonald’s new Homestyle Creation: McFishBlob. He needs a plan B and uber-fast. He gets flour and beer from Gangster and he makes a “hand crafted” beer batter and by golly, it worked!!

Team Bobby is up first. But Eric was so busy resurrecting the McFishBlob that he hasn’t even THOUGHT about his presentation. He gives his dish to his model who is like “What is this?” It’s food. “What’s that?”

Food?!?!  I wouldn’t touch FOOD with a 10 foot pole

He explains that he has made a totally new representation of Fish Sticks and Tartar Sauce. Eric suddenly contracts verbal diarrhea. He probably caught it from Martie.

Anyone else getting a whiff of my hand-crafted bull sh*t?

Yup, I’m smelling it 

He tanks like a mule. Eric feels that he has let himself down. The Judges note that he seemed nervous, but they thought his fish sticks were wonderful- much better than the old frozen variety that I used to stuff inside my milk carton in elementary school. UNTIL a teacher got wise to this scheme and made kids eat the fish mush out of their milk cartons. Diabolical. Can you imagine the lawsuits that would be flying around if that happened today?

Gangster is up next. She is remaking baked flounder… by making it into pan roasted sea bass. On the runway she asks the audience to “come on a journey with me to…. Rhode Island….and then to Portland, Maine.” Admittedly, both lovely locations, but when asked to go on a journey, it might not be the first two locations one would think of. But Ganster LOVES NEW ENGLAND, so it’s all good. Although, once we get to Portland… apparently we have no transportation back to New York. Gangster loses her way and the presentation falls flat. In the end the Judges liked the sea bass but thought her story was confusing.

Anyone have a GPS?

Out prances NIkki with her… wait for it… Girl on Grill’d Pork Chop.

You can’t beat my meat

Nikki thinks that food and clothes (and Bobby) are very sexy, and presents her “perfectly tailored pork chop” with a fig and cherry mahogany chutney. It does look delicious, but I refuse to admit it based on principle, I think she’s a wannabe home-wrecker. The judges, absolutely, LOVE her food and Bobby thinks it was so smart of her to tie it into fashion. Bobble Head gets all jealous and snaps “This is NOT sexy food! It’s Rustic.”

This isn’t sexy food

Meeee-ooooow, Bobble. Simmmer down there, kitty cat.

Malcolm steps onto the runway and strikes a pose, which Susie is all over like a fat kid on birthday cake. Malcolm has re-imagined Meatloaf and has made Duck Loaf. The Judges love it and think Malcolm is the shiz.

Malcolm Zoolander

Next team up is Team Alton, and he really wants his team to take the challenge seriously and really fulfill every aspect of the competition. Alton is so thoughtful, and seems to genuinely like his team and wants them to succeed.

Justin decides to reinterpret Beef Stroganoff as a checkerboard.

Checkers anyone?

Perhaps he should have saved that idea for the episode sponsored by Milton Bradley. He pounds out slices of beef tenderloin and sears them on one side. Then he makes a mushroom gelee. He cuts both into squares and puts them together like a checker… wait a second. It just hit me. Justin has a slight- Twilight quality to him. Like a poor man’s Edward Cullen or something. He’s “Vampoor.”

Count Crack-ula