Previously… Theon has Winterfell, Joffrey has poop and slap on his face, Jon has a hot firey-haired prisoner, Shae has tantalizing breasts, Arya has one more death to give, Daenerys… does not have her dragons.
And HERBERT’S STILL ALIVE!
This week’s episode is titled “A Man Without Honor”, which could pretty much refer to any man on this entire show. This week, though, I think it’s particularly aimed at Theon and Jaime, both of whom take out members of their family (biological or adopted) this week in order to reach their selfish goals. MY chosen title is “A Man With Blue Balls”, which clearly applies to Jon, Jorah, and Robb, and probably several other male characters whose balls I would less like to think about. Let’s just throw Gendry in there so I can do this:
When Jon and Ygritte awaken to the beautiful, freezing Arctic sunrise, she asks if he “pulled a knife on her” in the night… aka, “I feel a little poke comin’ through, from you…” For those of you not familiar with awesome nineties hip hop, he had his boner up against her bum.
M-O, M-O-R, M-O-R-N-I-N-G, W-O-O-D
Ygritte correctly divines that Jon has never spoon-bonered a girl, and immediately starts making fun of his unused “stones n bone”. She starts going on about medieval blue balls, gay sex, sheep-fucking, masturbation and so forth. I guess the eighteen-year-old-virgin thing was shameful then, at least among wildlings.
who knew that maid from Downton Abbey was so freaky?
We then get a little history lesson through the bickering: The wildlings were here first (the “First Men”) then the southerners came and put up a Wall to keep them out and claimed/named Westeros as their own. It’s all very Thanksgiving. Jon, however, as a bastard Stark, also has some of the blood of the First Men. (Who Jon’s mom is is never discussed.. since he’s around the same age as Robb, that means Ned was cheating on Catelyn, which doesn’t seem very him-ish. Hmm..)
Ygritte is spinning a tale of freedom and sexing to Jon: choosing your own king (Mance Rayder, former crow), have the ladies fighting over you, fishing and hunting for your own noms.
and this beautiful climate, year-round!
Jon clearly has no idea where he’s going. I’m not even sure if he’s trying to find the Halfhand, the Lord Commander or get back to the Wall. Ygritte is following a solid strategy of seduction/blackmail: since everyone thinks they’re going to bone anyway, breaking Jon’s vows, they might as well do it! And once she gets nice and descriptive with it, and Jon’s distracted with a big stiffy, she makes a run for it. When Jon tries to follow her, a dozen of her wildling buddies pop up all over the valley. Yikes!
Lord Tywin’s very upset about the assassination situation going on in his castle, and sends the Mountain (aka Sandor Clegane, aka the Hound’s big bro, aka a psycho asshole) to go burn and pillage some villages. You see, they think the killings of Tywin’s minions were done by the mysterious “Brotherhood”, who the villagers are hiding.
Tywin and Arya again do some awkward bonding. (Do you think he’s disappointed in his real daughter? I’m not sure he even knows about the incest.) As usual, Arya’s not sucked in.. she considers stabbing him right in the neck even as he talks. She is sucked in by the dragon talk, though: she loves the stories of the baller female Targaeryens. Arya, you’re so smart! Keep your mouth shut! The more knowledge Arya shows, the less Tywin is buying her story about being the daughter of a literate stonemason and a ladies maid.