Game of Thrones: A Man With Blue Balls

Recaps

By McWeanis | Monday, May 14, 2012 | 8:14 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

He’s figured out that she’s highborn and a northerner; how long til he connects the dots? Although I’m not positive Tywin knows Arya has been lost, since they’re keeping it quiet at King’s Landing.

 

Qarth
Xaro wants to help Daenerys get her dragons back, but she’s not having it – she doesn’t trust him, and she doesn’t want to marry him, and she doesn’t give a shit about his money. Jorah also tries to calm her down to no avail. Her dragons are gone, her fave servants are dead; she has no Targaryens, Dothraki, or Westerosi to call her people; she wants Jorah to stop hitting on her all the time. Although he does look super hot and fitting his sigil, the Bear.

mm sweaty chest hair.

Jorah is off to the mysterious masked woman from the party to look for the dragons. She doesn’t have them, but she does have a mysterious question, asking Jorah, “Will you betray her again?” Hmm..

The masked priestess lady says the thief is with Daenerys now. That’s not that helpful, since she’s in a meeting with all of the Thirteen of Qarth. Oh, actually, I guess we aren’t drawing this out: the scary priest from the House of the Undying has the dragons, and Xaro stole them for him – in exchange for becoming King of Qarth. Xaro! You bastard! A whole group of creepy priests comes up behind the Thirteen, and kill all of them – minus Xaro, of course.

He-who-could-use-some-undereye-concealer

Daenerys tries to escape, but the creepy priest does his clone thing and stops her at every turn.

Robb’s Camp
Cersei has sent her messenger to shoot down Robb’s declaration of kingship. Robb is merciful, as usual, and imprisons him with Jaime. Taleesa also stops by to ask for more medical supplies and stuff.

Jennifer Love Hewitt in the corpse whisperer

She wants Robb to pick up some stuff for her, but he tells her to come along instead. Come on, lazy Robb! When I ask for tampons, that means I want YOU to go get them, not for you to drive me to the store!

Jaime and his messenger cousin reminisce about tournaments and such. Apparently the cousin once squired for Jaime, and did a bang-up job and loved every minute of it. Jaime once squired for Barristan Selmy. It was amazing, blah blah blah. Fighting’s magical, blah blah blah. Being imprisoned in your own shit sucks, blah blah blah. Conversation then turns to escape. Jaime has a way out… but his cousin will have to die. I actually saw this coming; Jaime can get pretty dark.

kkk the crosseyes this week are getting out of control

He beats his cousin to death, then chokes the guard who comes in with his chains and makes a run for it.

Jaime’s escape was brief; by morning, he’s already been caught and mauled by a mob, including Lord Karstark, papa of the guard who was killed. Catelyn barely manages to stop Karstark from taking Jaime’s head. Jaime actually seems to be enjoying the excitement, despite the fact that everyone wants to kill him and he won’t last the night without Catelyn’s intervention. He rubs salt in Catelyn’s wounds, even though she’s the only thing keeping him alive, by talking about Ned Stark’s infidelity – the affair that produced Jon Snow. The scene cuts away after Catelyn asks Brienne for a sword.

King’s Landing

Sansa’s having rape nightmares. Oh, you poor PTSD baby :( I know what that’s like. When she wakes up, reality is almost as bad: she has her period. Yes, bleeding from your vag for the first time is very scary normally. But in this case, it’s even more scary because it means that now you have to MARRY JOFFREY! AHHHHHH! Even though she and Shae try to hide it ASAP, a ladies maid and the Hound catch them. The Hound is confusing. He saved Sansa in the last episode, and seems to pity her, but turns her in when she gets her period and tells her he loves killing.

who would think such a lovely man could enjoy a good brutal killing?

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:59 am

    EEEEEEE!!! Great recap!!! Every episode keeps getting better and better!

    I wonder where Rickon and Bran’s wolves are??

    Um, Jorah was looking mighty fine this episode. When the weird masked lady asked if he was going to betray Dany again, I assumed she was talking about Dany almost being poisoned at the market (last season)…?

    Here’s a cool article I found about GoT.

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/keenan/15-things-you-didnt-know-about-game-of-thrones

  2. 2
    Ollybeau
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Jorah and Ygritte are much more attractive than their book versions. And I’m completely fine with that.
    Not a popular opinion, but I kind of wish the show producers had done the same with Brienne and prettied her up a little. Just a tiny bit.
    I know she’s supposed to be awkward and mannish but still…
    Maybe it’s just me being a dumb girl :-)

  3. 3
    whataboutmaura
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I really want Jorah and Daenerys to bone lol
    By the way, Shae is the name of Tyrion’s prostitute/girlfriend, Osha is the name of the wildling Theon slept with. I was a little confused at first when I read the recap.
    Loved the caption “Teen Mom: Westeros” Hilarious!

  4. 4
    Jennasaisquoi
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

    So I haven’t read the books yet but I don’t buy that those were the Stark kids. I think it’s too convenient that there were “two orphans living there, plus the burned bodies to hide their identities.

    Also not sure of this, but I don’t think Jon Snow is really Ned Stark’s bastard…. the way he refused to tell Robert who his mother was seemed like he was hiding something, and obviously out of character for Ned.

    I was also confused by the change in The Hound, but maybe he noticed he has a weakness for Sansa and is now trying to overcompensate.

    Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really care about Danyerous/Quarth story at all….

    LOVE the show, LOVE the recaps…great captions!!

  5. 5
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Jennasaisquoi – I completely agree about Jon Snow not being Ned’s. I think he is Robert’s bastard.

  6. 6
    Memememe
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I’m with you guys in thinking that Jon Snow isn’t really a Stark. Two other questions that I pondered while watching this ep: is it possible that the incest of Cersei & Jamie also existed from father to daughter? and who was the mother of Tyrion, Cersei & Jamie (that died giving birth to Tyrion)?

    And, plockness — where WERE the dire wolves? Good question!

    Great recap McW !

  7. 7
    sweetblondie
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I thought maybe Jon Snow was Robert’s bastard too…but then Ned had that little heart-to-heart with him before he left for the Wall stating he’d tell him next time they met about his mother…but also told him he had Stark blood in him…

    why would Ned say that if it weren’t true?

  8. 8
    Memememe
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Did Ned have a brother?

  9. 9
    KeKe
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Sweetblondie, I think Jon is the son of Ned’s sister Lyanna and Robert. That would explain the comment about Jon having Stark blood. I just think Robert didn’t know.

  10. 10
    whataboutmaura
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    I thought maybe Jon Snow could be the son of Ned’s brother, Benjen, who is the person they went over the wall to try and find (as well as try and find Mance Rayder). Since Benjen is a man of the knight’s watch he would have had to take an oath of celibacy and wouldn’t have been able to claim Jon as his son. That was the first instinct I had especially since Jon seemed to have a bond with Benjen in the first season and wanted to follow his lead as a member of the knight’s watch.

  11. 11
    Memememe
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    Wait.. who’s Benjen? (if you can’t tell I haven’t read the books) #somanycharacters

  12. 12
    whataboutmaura
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Benjen is Benjen Stark, Ned’s brother. He was in the first season and came to the feast at Winterfell when King Robert came to ask Ned to be his hand (first ep of the series) and brings Jon back to the Wall to become part of the knight’s watch. Then he went beyond the wall and never came back which was also a plot point of the first season and why the leader of the watch brings the rangers north of the wall to try and find out what happened to him.
    http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Benjen_Stark

    Yeah, it is very hard to keep the characters straight! Makes me wonder how George Martin could keep them all together writing the books lol

  13. 13
    Fan-Ann
    Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Another theory is that Jon Snow is the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. Rhaegar kidnapped Lyanna and set off Robert’s Rebellion. He was killed by Robert Baratheon during one of the battles of the rebellion. Daenerys was Rhaegar’s sister and she named one of her dragons in his honor.

  14. 14
    emily
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:20 am

    Spoilers

    Another theory is that Tyrion’s mom had a affair with the mad king Targaryen and Tyrion is only a half brother of Jamie and Cersie. If what you say Fan-Ann is true then this makes Jon, Danereys and Tyrion related. I think eventually when ever Martin decides to get off his fat ass and finish the series these three would rule Westeros especially if Dany can finally get control of her dragons.

    I think Ned lied about Jon being his son in order to protect Jon because if King Richard ever found out that Lyana the love of his life had a bastard with his enemy he would have killed Jon.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:42 am

    Prince Harry, Lord of McWeanis, the First of His Name, has beat all odds. It is here I say to you loyal men, that we bend the knee and pledge our fealty to the Lord of the Wheel. Prince Harry lives! Prince Harry Lives!

    *deafening cry and raised swords*

    PRINCE HARRY LIVES!!!

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:45 am

    Just want to add that while I have no qualms with people discussing things from the book, it is a bit unkind to announce spoilers that haven’t been shown in any episodes. If it’s just a theory or guess is one thing, but I’d hate to read something that was actually written in Book 5, proposed as a theory for season 2. I like the element of surprise as much as the next person and that’s one of the best things this show has to offer…we never see what’s coming next!

  17. 17
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:46 am

    And did I call Prince Herbert, Harry? *facepalm*

    Well, it’s a nickname in my family!

  18. 18
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Mememe – I don’t think there was incest between Tywin and Cersi.

    I love that Shea and Sansa are becoming friends and that Shea is trying to protect her.

    All good points about Jon Snow (so dreamy). I def. think he is of Stark blood. I don’t think Ned is his father. I don’t think Cat knows the truth either.

  19. 19
    Fan-Ann
    Posted May 16, 2012 at 7:34 am

    All hail Ser Harry of McWeanis! Huzzah!
    This is not a spoiler because these events had already happened when the books open. Rhaegar abducted Lyanna, triggered Robert’s Rebellion, Robert killed Rhaegar, and assumed the throne. The only thing we are told about Lyanna’s death is that she was already dying when Ned arrived to rescue her from her kidnappers. Then, Jon Arryn died and Robert Baratheon traveled to Winterfell to ask Ned to be the Hand of the King. When Robert visited Lyanna’s burial chamber, he told Ned that he wished he could kill Rhaegar all over again for what he did to Lyanna. The book does not tell what Lyanna died of, only that her last words were “Promise me, Ned”. So it is only a theory that she died in childbirth, and that was the Stark blood Ned
    referred to and that the promise referred to a baby.

  20. 20
    LisaVille
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    I’ve gotta say that I’m really going to miss the Spice King. He reminded me of King Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar. I became distracted every time he was on screen because I expected him to break out in song and dance in front of Daenerys. GOT: The Musical, anyone?

    “So, you are the queen, the Targaryen queen! Show me the babies; set something on fire! You can do it if you desire! If you do that for me, then I know you’re not naggin”, come on Mother of Dragons!”

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